You have whispered my name into the night air and I have heard it as the sound of bugles blaring in the distance. I am fast to my steed, for I know what this call signals.
The hunt is on.
You have called to me with your heart and I have seen its red glow guiding me through the night scape like a beacon. I have come on the back of thundering hooves and arrived at your side, my horse quivering and frothing at the mouth. My, you are ever a wonder to me, but tonight you truly took my breath away. The sensation of shock coursed straight through me when you opened the door and I saw the smile in your eyes.
I am not sure then, if you saw was passed from my eyes to yours in that instant: I love you. It was strange to me, yet oddly as I expected it would be. That we should slip into conversation easily. That it was as fluid as it ever was. As if no real time had passed at all and just being in your presence, just talking with you, afforded me the comfort I had been craving all along.
I do not have words to express how painful it was to have so much to say, and have the walls still between us. But as we spoke more, as we spent more time together, I began to see those walls crumble brick by brick to the ground. And when you touched me, my soul felt electric. Every nerve stood on end as you ran your finger tips over my hair line to push away the straw colored fringe and reveal my tattoo to your eyes.
My heart leapt at your caress, and my skin burned where you had touched me as if branded by your mark. As I knelt there, it felt fitting, kneeling before you as if you were a regal queen seated on your throne. And there I was bowed before you, head lowered in servitude, awaiting your approval to rise. Yes you are truly the empress of my heart and I would kneel at your side or place my head upon the chopping block at your command.
I was so filled with longing then, I wanted to whisper to you, "touch me again, never stop." But instead I sat again across from you and tried to do what I had come to do, to say goodbye and sever ties so you could be rid of me and my pathetic overflowing undying love for you. The ultimate irony: you wouldn't let me. And try as I might to wedge distance between us then, you would not let me waiver. I found myself sinking then, sliding away from my resolve to thrust myself from you. I found myself then kneeling at your feet in my mind and begging you to love me back the way I knew you did.
When you asked me if you could hug me after opening your anniversary presents I was so conflicted. I shouldn't let you touch me, it might be too confusing for you, and I want to be someone you see clearly. Someone you know you can love clearly. But I knew, I couldn't resist your healing embrace. So when you wound your arms around me and pressed me close, I felt fire sweep through me. Calming healing waves of flickering forked tongue flames poured over me with warmth, serenity, love, and desire. You deepened the embrace and I could feel my heart melt into yours. Don't ever let me go I wanted to say, but I couldn't. My heart pounded at my chest and my head swam. I could smell your scent and feel your body back where I have been missing it all this time, your heart pressed tightly to mine.
I was surprised that you made me insist that you stop touching me. That even after we pulled away, your face lingered near mine. I couldn't help but touch your hair, your face. It was too tender a moment not to give in and lead with my heart instead of my head. So then we set off, because as you would soon find out, I needed cigarettes but also something to have in my hands. Something to keep me from touching you. Because the moment I did, I knew I couldn't stop. As we walked I wanted to hold you in my arms. I wanted to reach for your hand and feel your fingers curl between mine.
My heart was screaming to me, let me lead. But my head fought for control. We talked, and I wondered what you would reveal with time. I wondered how much time you would give me in the end. But I found myself relinquishing, surrendering all control to the moment and just basking in your presence. By the time we got to the park, I knew in my mind, I would chase you. I knew you might run, and I knew you might hide. But I saw what I thought was a sparkle in your eyes. I swore your soul winked to mine and said "tag! your it!"
I would never have guessed that the night would end up as it did. That you would let fly from your lips the words that you said. Or that I was ever foolish enough to try to tell you I would let you go. I adore you, I always want you. As I said tonight, I will chase you. So be ready sweet, because tonight was the first of many to come. As I told you tonight, you tell me how long you want me. And when you come back I will show you, I have EVERYTHING you want here in these ribs to offer you.
EVERYTHING.
In the meantime, I give you the gift of time. I ask only that you not abuse it. Do not become a stranger. Do not bar me from your heart entirely if that is where you truly wish for me to reside. Let me visit you while you make this journey love. And you may call me whenever you wish. I will fly to your side just as I did tonight. And you should know now, I will chase you until I breathe my dying breath.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Thirty Six 03.20.10
Today's date has always been one that I have looked forward to with bliss since I met you. But strangley enough we are not celebrating together today the way we used to. I am remembering last year and how much fun I had with you at my side. I recall the way we gathered our friends about us, and fussed together over a meal that we both made by hand to serve them. And I remember as we sat down to dinner that night, to celebrate with our loved ones, the thought occurred to me: What if my life was just like this forever, would I enjoy that? The answer to that question was yes. That was the moment I knew, I hoped we would spend the rest of our lives together as partners, soulmates, wives, and dearest friends.
I had never had a partner like you before, one that shared so much, all of life's triumphs and tribulations with those around her. And even our union you seemed perfectly pleased to embrace and toast with our closest friends. I adore that spirit of giving that resides within you. Perhaps it was just my fear, or my need to protect you from harm that caused me to try to help you hone your judgement over time about who you let in that closely. You are like a rare jewel to me, full of wonder and beauty and life, and I wanted to share that with everyone. But I know, some people, including myself, are not always worthy to share in that energy.
Not everyone can value you the ways you deserve all the time, not even yourself. But I like to think, that in some ways I tried always to show you how much you meant to me. That I sometimes failed to do so in the right ways but always strove to display that I really did care about and adore you so very much. You were always a gift, a remarkable gift that wandered into my life. Kismet: your coming into contact with me was no mere accident. I do believe that fate itself ordained it should be, even if in the end, it was only for a short while. But still, the time I spent at your side was always precious to me.
The last two years have been a rollercoaster of change and turbulence for us both. We have both lost friends and gained new ones. We have both had triumphs worth celebrating. We have both experienced loss and needed to grieve. And now we both possess hope for our futures. I apologize for all the wrong doings I may have directed at you or myself during that time. I ask forgiveness for the stubborn dogmatic viewpoints I held onto out of need to protect myself from the threats I thought were sure to come. I ask forgiveness for the sometimes scathing verbal abuse I directed at you when I couldn't find a healthier way to communicate what I was thinking or feeling. Above all, I ask forgiveness and release from the fact that you might have seen me as overly controlling or insensitive to you when really I was just trying to offer you my advice, no matter how flawed I was. I see now, that is not always what you needed. And I, was not always right in the way I looked at things.
Hindsight can bring such sweet clarity. And I look back on the last two years now with such a glowing sense of happiness. It was not always perfect, it was not always healthy, but it was ours. For what it is worth, I had the most happiness with you than I have ever had in any relationship I have been in thus far. I would be lying if I said anything otherwise. Being with you, knowing you, having your friendship and your love gave me such joy at times I could not comprehend it fully. Like a dog trained to kill once it scents blood, my education in relationships and romance has been a violent one. I had come to associate happiness with struggle and strife. I had come to associate my future with aniexty and fear. I had come to associate love with conflict and mayhem.
It was not until I met you, and allowed you into my heart that I started to see, these things were not really set in stone. Change is good, and so is growth. Uncertainty can mean possibility. Comfort and optimism offer me healing and laughter. That is one of the things I miss most about being around you, my days are not nearly filled with the abundance of laughter you used to bring into it. I still laugh, I still enjoy my time on this planet, and I still share my mirth with others. I am liberating myself more and more each day from the pain of my past and walking bravely into the future with my heart to guide me now. I have to thank you for bestowing me with the example for this behavior. But it is true, that since you have gone, my days do not possess the same kind of laughter that once danced all around the edges even when we fought.
I know this is probably inappropriate of me to say, especially since tomorrow I am coming to sever ties with you so that we can move into healing and happiness, but I want to say it to you because I believe it requires recognition. A toast to you my once sweet love, to your beauty, your grace, your intellect, and your indominable spirit. A toast to you my once truest love, may you always know that my heart is grateful to you and wishes you joy. A toast to you for your continued happiness and success, even if we never meet again, I hope you know I love you in so many innumberable ways. A toast to you, and to us, and all that we have been through together.
Happy Anniversery.
I had never had a partner like you before, one that shared so much, all of life's triumphs and tribulations with those around her. And even our union you seemed perfectly pleased to embrace and toast with our closest friends. I adore that spirit of giving that resides within you. Perhaps it was just my fear, or my need to protect you from harm that caused me to try to help you hone your judgement over time about who you let in that closely. You are like a rare jewel to me, full of wonder and beauty and life, and I wanted to share that with everyone. But I know, some people, including myself, are not always worthy to share in that energy.
Not everyone can value you the ways you deserve all the time, not even yourself. But I like to think, that in some ways I tried always to show you how much you meant to me. That I sometimes failed to do so in the right ways but always strove to display that I really did care about and adore you so very much. You were always a gift, a remarkable gift that wandered into my life. Kismet: your coming into contact with me was no mere accident. I do believe that fate itself ordained it should be, even if in the end, it was only for a short while. But still, the time I spent at your side was always precious to me.
The last two years have been a rollercoaster of change and turbulence for us both. We have both lost friends and gained new ones. We have both had triumphs worth celebrating. We have both experienced loss and needed to grieve. And now we both possess hope for our futures. I apologize for all the wrong doings I may have directed at you or myself during that time. I ask forgiveness for the stubborn dogmatic viewpoints I held onto out of need to protect myself from the threats I thought were sure to come. I ask forgiveness for the sometimes scathing verbal abuse I directed at you when I couldn't find a healthier way to communicate what I was thinking or feeling. Above all, I ask forgiveness and release from the fact that you might have seen me as overly controlling or insensitive to you when really I was just trying to offer you my advice, no matter how flawed I was. I see now, that is not always what you needed. And I, was not always right in the way I looked at things.
Hindsight can bring such sweet clarity. And I look back on the last two years now with such a glowing sense of happiness. It was not always perfect, it was not always healthy, but it was ours. For what it is worth, I had the most happiness with you than I have ever had in any relationship I have been in thus far. I would be lying if I said anything otherwise. Being with you, knowing you, having your friendship and your love gave me such joy at times I could not comprehend it fully. Like a dog trained to kill once it scents blood, my education in relationships and romance has been a violent one. I had come to associate happiness with struggle and strife. I had come to associate my future with aniexty and fear. I had come to associate love with conflict and mayhem.
It was not until I met you, and allowed you into my heart that I started to see, these things were not really set in stone. Change is good, and so is growth. Uncertainty can mean possibility. Comfort and optimism offer me healing and laughter. That is one of the things I miss most about being around you, my days are not nearly filled with the abundance of laughter you used to bring into it. I still laugh, I still enjoy my time on this planet, and I still share my mirth with others. I am liberating myself more and more each day from the pain of my past and walking bravely into the future with my heart to guide me now. I have to thank you for bestowing me with the example for this behavior. But it is true, that since you have gone, my days do not possess the same kind of laughter that once danced all around the edges even when we fought.
I know this is probably inappropriate of me to say, especially since tomorrow I am coming to sever ties with you so that we can move into healing and happiness, but I want to say it to you because I believe it requires recognition. A toast to you my once sweet love, to your beauty, your grace, your intellect, and your indominable spirit. A toast to you my once truest love, may you always know that my heart is grateful to you and wishes you joy. A toast to you for your continued happiness and success, even if we never meet again, I hope you know I love you in so many innumberable ways. A toast to you, and to us, and all that we have been through together.
Happy Anniversery.
Thirty Five 03.19.10
There's a kind of quiet that descends in the nighttime that doesn't reveal itself during the activity of the day. It used to be a space I could not encounter without so much sorrow, panic, and grief when you first left me. Now it is a time I use for introspection. During this time, I am able to still my mind and meditate. I can examine my thoughts in this comforting silence. It is as if I am stilled by the hushed and heavy breathing of all the sleeping souls that surround me during these hours.
I lie still, growing more and more comfortable with solitude. This is not to say I am isolating myself. That is certainly not the case as I am more alive and active in the world that surrounds me than I can remember being in a long, long time. No I am definitely the spirit of motion during my days. But during the night time I find stillness and repose. I rest and return to myself so that I can encounter my emotions, my thoughts, and process the activities I am filling my days with. This time allows me so much insight. I can see clearly which acts are made as conscious decisions and which might be viewed as needless impulse. This reflection allows me to decide which activities I wish to engage in truly, and which I don for sake of mere distraction.
My days lately are filled with so many surprises. Some of them are brilliant encounters and some of them are truly challenging to my soul. Despite this, the rumination I engage helps me to articulate how I am feeling about these things, how I am reacting, and more importantly why I am emoting this way. The cause and effect are tethered to each other, together they create the reaction. To separate them, to compartmentalize them, is to bury my head in the sand. It is not enough to know how I feel, but why I feel the way I do. I exercise this ritual of cogitation to bring about more self awareness. Using the knowledge I glean from this, I then attempt to examine how this affects my behaviors. Sometimes the epiphanies are startling. Sometimes they remain hidden from view. Irregardless, I continue to contemplate and attempt to tease the reason from my mind.
When I rub up against something that proves more challenging for me to fully understand or address with lasting healing, I bring these thoughts to my therapy sessions and begin to find the tools to cope. However, my growth does not end there. I continue to work out these issues in my own time and further solidify my new awareness. When it helps me to heal, I ask for assistance from others around me. I communicate my needs to others in ways that are more mature and come from a place of healing instead of criticism manufactured to protect myself. I use these emotions and thoughts to transcend to a new future by turning them into something constructive rather than destructive as I have in the past. I outlet them through my writing, or I use other creative outlets to focus my feelings away from a place of pain or confusion.
I center myself in clarity and self actualization. Yes this time alone now has become so important to me, so beneficial to my growth. This is the time I use to review and assess all that passes behind me, in front of me, and before me. And this time is slowly but surely bringing me more peace and hope than I have ever felt in my heart. My soul is growing more strong and secure each day. I am so grateful to be learning these lessons. In spite of the uncertainty of so many things happening in my environment now that ordinarily would cause me to withdraw into desperation and pain, I am continuing to reflect and to find motivation to change. I am learning how to speak to myself in silence so that I know the best way forward to my goals.
This silence affords me so many gifts, and the noise of my day fills me with smile and promise. Silent prayer eases me into a place of complacency and calm. I feel myself smile as I lay there, knowing that although it can all seem overwhelming for it to be happening at once, I am learning that I am indeed up to the task. The quiet has stilled me and I can finally hear my own voice.
I lie still, growing more and more comfortable with solitude. This is not to say I am isolating myself. That is certainly not the case as I am more alive and active in the world that surrounds me than I can remember being in a long, long time. No I am definitely the spirit of motion during my days. But during the night time I find stillness and repose. I rest and return to myself so that I can encounter my emotions, my thoughts, and process the activities I am filling my days with. This time allows me so much insight. I can see clearly which acts are made as conscious decisions and which might be viewed as needless impulse. This reflection allows me to decide which activities I wish to engage in truly, and which I don for sake of mere distraction.
My days lately are filled with so many surprises. Some of them are brilliant encounters and some of them are truly challenging to my soul. Despite this, the rumination I engage helps me to articulate how I am feeling about these things, how I am reacting, and more importantly why I am emoting this way. The cause and effect are tethered to each other, together they create the reaction. To separate them, to compartmentalize them, is to bury my head in the sand. It is not enough to know how I feel, but why I feel the way I do. I exercise this ritual of cogitation to bring about more self awareness. Using the knowledge I glean from this, I then attempt to examine how this affects my behaviors. Sometimes the epiphanies are startling. Sometimes they remain hidden from view. Irregardless, I continue to contemplate and attempt to tease the reason from my mind.
When I rub up against something that proves more challenging for me to fully understand or address with lasting healing, I bring these thoughts to my therapy sessions and begin to find the tools to cope. However, my growth does not end there. I continue to work out these issues in my own time and further solidify my new awareness. When it helps me to heal, I ask for assistance from others around me. I communicate my needs to others in ways that are more mature and come from a place of healing instead of criticism manufactured to protect myself. I use these emotions and thoughts to transcend to a new future by turning them into something constructive rather than destructive as I have in the past. I outlet them through my writing, or I use other creative outlets to focus my feelings away from a place of pain or confusion.
I center myself in clarity and self actualization. Yes this time alone now has become so important to me, so beneficial to my growth. This is the time I use to review and assess all that passes behind me, in front of me, and before me. And this time is slowly but surely bringing me more peace and hope than I have ever felt in my heart. My soul is growing more strong and secure each day. I am so grateful to be learning these lessons. In spite of the uncertainty of so many things happening in my environment now that ordinarily would cause me to withdraw into desperation and pain, I am continuing to reflect and to find motivation to change. I am learning how to speak to myself in silence so that I know the best way forward to my goals.
This silence affords me so many gifts, and the noise of my day fills me with smile and promise. Silent prayer eases me into a place of complacency and calm. I feel myself smile as I lay there, knowing that although it can all seem overwhelming for it to be happening at once, I am learning that I am indeed up to the task. The quiet has stilled me and I can finally hear my own voice.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Thirty Four 03.18.10
You have agreed to see me on Sunday evening. I have only a little time to tell you that which I wish to say and then make my exit. I hope that this is not holding you in too much suspense. I can only say in advance: please do not feel guilty for anything. Guilt is not an emotion I wish to manufacture or inspire in your mind. Please, be at ease. I am not coming to hurt you. I am coming to set us free.
I am wondering what you must think now, as time affords you distance, perspective, and hindsight. Is there anything you would like to reflect to me that you think might offer yourself healing? Is there anything that you would like to ask of me that would help you reach resolution? These words might be difficult to say, but would in the end best be said so that we can each move on and let the real healing begin. Think on it if you will, so that when I do arrive we can each express ourselves wholly, and also listen, really listen to what is said. It is your choice to say or ask what you will, and I will leave it to you. I do not wish to force hands, only to shake them with respect and a departure that is on good terms.
I will not come with preconceptions lodged in my ears. I will not turn what you say into what I would have liked to heard before. I will listen, really hear what you have to say with an open mind and clarity. All that lays before us is uncharted. There should not be trepidation in this, but rather excitement. Let it be a thing of catharsis. There is hope for goodness and respect between us yet. I would like to offer you a last gesture of goodwill and then leave you to your journey. I would like to find honest release so that I will not linger, but rather move on to my path.
This will be our last goodbye. You should not feel motivated out of obligation or guilt, but rather out of an honest desire to do what is right. Please, try to dislodge your discomfort. Be easy with my presence. It will this and then no more. This is the ripping of the band aid off the wound, so that it can breathe. It will not have to be smothered by security blankets or feelings of unease. It will not have to be covered over to hide the pain that should be receding for each of us. Truly, I hope that the pain is receding for you. I know that in my heart, it is fading away.
I would like to be left with truth and good memories, not lingering doubts or hovering ghosts. I will not send you more souvenirs from my life because I know that might provide distraction. I will not make attempts to see you after this because I know that might not offer us the distance we both need now to let go. I will not reach out to you as I have with my palm upturned because just like that night in my car, I know you will not reach back. Rather, I will keep my heart in your trophy case, but I will walk away with empty ribs and soon a new heart will grow there. One that is solely mine and healthier for it. And perhaps someday, some distant day in the future I will find someone that would like to share it with me. I will be able to give it to them and know it is was made whole on its own by the hard work and self reflection I go through now.
I will not send you wishes for us to be together again that way. But I will still send you healing energy. I will still send you joy, and happiness because I would like you to find those things and have them be lasting. I will still send you peace and tranquility, no anger, no malice, no spite. I will not send you fictions and fabrications. I will send you truth and beauty, because I know those things will set you free of any pain we have unleashed upon each other. I will send you gratitude because it is because of you that I have been laid before this road to wellness. But it is my own feet now that will carry me down that path. I am surprised at how far I have come already now that I am no longer resistant. I am encouraged by this new growth that is burgeoning within me.
I am wanting the same for you, and I know that the longer I stay and wait for entry back into your life it will not truly be able to be granted to me. We must break free, break clean, and go our separate ways. Hopefully, we are able to compliment each others lives someday as friends, or perhaps we will be able to just be comfortable in each others presence should we see each other again. As it stands now, that is not possibility. That is why, even though you have been resistant to it, I have asked you kindly and patiently, please let us do this so that nothing else stands in our way. Let there be no obscurity. Let there be no perception of dominance or control. I so desire for you to set me free of that place.
I hear the way you have spoken to me recently, like you are SURE I am trying to bend you to a will that is not yours. I am sorry if by some actions you perceived me as such during our relationship. I want you to know, I never really wanted to control you. I never wanted to tell you how to think or how to be. I only want you to be happy. I only want you to embrace and know yourself. If I stand in the way of you doing that, let me exit graciously so that you can see, I am not attempting to bind you to me. I will unseal my energy from you. I will reverse and resend it back to myself so that I can have my soul's light back in its rightful place. A place it belongs because it is truly wanted there.
Perhaps you have no desire to ever have me in your life again. Perhaps you never wish to be friends. If you do feel that way, and you wish to exercise your choice to voice that knowledge, please let it be spoken. There is no reason to hide anything if you do not wish to. You may share whatever you wish and no more. I ask only for you to give what you want in this last act between us. Then I will be away and you can be everything you want without worrying about me. Then you and I, can be as free as we wish and enjoy all that freedom has to offer. I hang a star for each inch across the heavens winking at us for our own wishes for our own futures, separate, but nonetheless valid and real.
I am wondering what you must think now, as time affords you distance, perspective, and hindsight. Is there anything you would like to reflect to me that you think might offer yourself healing? Is there anything that you would like to ask of me that would help you reach resolution? These words might be difficult to say, but would in the end best be said so that we can each move on and let the real healing begin. Think on it if you will, so that when I do arrive we can each express ourselves wholly, and also listen, really listen to what is said. It is your choice to say or ask what you will, and I will leave it to you. I do not wish to force hands, only to shake them with respect and a departure that is on good terms.
I will not come with preconceptions lodged in my ears. I will not turn what you say into what I would have liked to heard before. I will listen, really hear what you have to say with an open mind and clarity. All that lays before us is uncharted. There should not be trepidation in this, but rather excitement. Let it be a thing of catharsis. There is hope for goodness and respect between us yet. I would like to offer you a last gesture of goodwill and then leave you to your journey. I would like to find honest release so that I will not linger, but rather move on to my path.
This will be our last goodbye. You should not feel motivated out of obligation or guilt, but rather out of an honest desire to do what is right. Please, try to dislodge your discomfort. Be easy with my presence. It will this and then no more. This is the ripping of the band aid off the wound, so that it can breathe. It will not have to be smothered by security blankets or feelings of unease. It will not have to be covered over to hide the pain that should be receding for each of us. Truly, I hope that the pain is receding for you. I know that in my heart, it is fading away.
I would like to be left with truth and good memories, not lingering doubts or hovering ghosts. I will not send you more souvenirs from my life because I know that might provide distraction. I will not make attempts to see you after this because I know that might not offer us the distance we both need now to let go. I will not reach out to you as I have with my palm upturned because just like that night in my car, I know you will not reach back. Rather, I will keep my heart in your trophy case, but I will walk away with empty ribs and soon a new heart will grow there. One that is solely mine and healthier for it. And perhaps someday, some distant day in the future I will find someone that would like to share it with me. I will be able to give it to them and know it is was made whole on its own by the hard work and self reflection I go through now.
I will not send you wishes for us to be together again that way. But I will still send you healing energy. I will still send you joy, and happiness because I would like you to find those things and have them be lasting. I will still send you peace and tranquility, no anger, no malice, no spite. I will not send you fictions and fabrications. I will send you truth and beauty, because I know those things will set you free of any pain we have unleashed upon each other. I will send you gratitude because it is because of you that I have been laid before this road to wellness. But it is my own feet now that will carry me down that path. I am surprised at how far I have come already now that I am no longer resistant. I am encouraged by this new growth that is burgeoning within me.
I am wanting the same for you, and I know that the longer I stay and wait for entry back into your life it will not truly be able to be granted to me. We must break free, break clean, and go our separate ways. Hopefully, we are able to compliment each others lives someday as friends, or perhaps we will be able to just be comfortable in each others presence should we see each other again. As it stands now, that is not possibility. That is why, even though you have been resistant to it, I have asked you kindly and patiently, please let us do this so that nothing else stands in our way. Let there be no obscurity. Let there be no perception of dominance or control. I so desire for you to set me free of that place.
I hear the way you have spoken to me recently, like you are SURE I am trying to bend you to a will that is not yours. I am sorry if by some actions you perceived me as such during our relationship. I want you to know, I never really wanted to control you. I never wanted to tell you how to think or how to be. I only want you to be happy. I only want you to embrace and know yourself. If I stand in the way of you doing that, let me exit graciously so that you can see, I am not attempting to bind you to me. I will unseal my energy from you. I will reverse and resend it back to myself so that I can have my soul's light back in its rightful place. A place it belongs because it is truly wanted there.
Perhaps you have no desire to ever have me in your life again. Perhaps you never wish to be friends. If you do feel that way, and you wish to exercise your choice to voice that knowledge, please let it be spoken. There is no reason to hide anything if you do not wish to. You may share whatever you wish and no more. I ask only for you to give what you want in this last act between us. Then I will be away and you can be everything you want without worrying about me. Then you and I, can be as free as we wish and enjoy all that freedom has to offer. I hang a star for each inch across the heavens winking at us for our own wishes for our own futures, separate, but nonetheless valid and real.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Thirty Three 03.17.10
You are like an algebra problem to me. Dressing yourself up in letters that change constantly so that I cannot find any resolution to this conundrum. You clothe yourself in riddle and keep my eyes from the truth of who you are. And I am left confused. Not because I don't know where to go from here, I know where I am going to go. But I don't know how to take the unfamiliar and attach it to something familiar in my world.
You are like a new person I have met, and without knowing your name I am speaking to you. I am introducing myself and still left wondering what to call you. What to speak when I call you by name. Before I learn your name, I have to call you by something to get to know you. At first you called yourself Sasha. Now I stare at the jagged X between us, the Y written out in curving lettering, the drooling lazy Z sliding off the page and out of view in watery transparent ink. I just want to know your name, what your value it bears so we can both be more specific. I just want to be able to call you by your real moniker and know that when I speak it, it's valid and true.
It is likewise for the letters I see in an algebra equation. I have never been upset by them, I see them as a challenge. Ever a clever detective I enjoy solving the riddle to discover the value of "X." When I view you now, I see you like that letter with numbers attached to your sides. I would like to multiply them, as I know I should, or perhaps divide them if that is what the equation dictates. But I can't even begin to clutter up my scratch paper with these calculations because I don't know what your X should stand for. Letters like these “Xs”, “Ys”, or "Zs", however you choose to represent yourself now are used to as a placeholder. They represent an unknown number, but a number none the less.
This newsprint of variables you have wrapped yourself in now, it still has a value. A lowest common denominator, and that unknown number is called a variable. If I read you as simply as "Your age in years y plus 5 is equal to eight times my age, minus 182." It would make about as much sense as a Lewis Carrol problem. The Y can be solved for, eventually it will be found out. But why, bear the y, instead of your true value. Why hide the value with a variable. Why not just reveal yourself. When have I ever been frightened away by anything you showed me?
Do you honestly believe that after all that has passed between us the simple value of a variable would make me divest myself of your presence? It is just as I said to you the other day. Why would I delude myself into believe that happiness and love between us means you have to lie to me and be dishonest? You think I would believe that staying with me if you didn't want to would be good for either of us? I want you to be happy, that is how I care about you. But I would rather know the real truth, than hide in an illusion. Now mystery is all you afford me. And I can't for the life of me understand WHY you might think it's better to omit and cover up your value with a placeholder that represents the unknown than to just reveal the hidden value and let us see each other as we really are.
Solving this problem, revealing the variables is the only thing that will allow us to ever mean anything to each other again. I am not speaking of love anymore. Not in the sense of the words Agape, or Eros, or Storge. I am not foolish enough to contend any longer that Agape or Eros flow between us now, no it is not that. I am speaking of Philia. The only thing that would bind us together now is the repose of a virtuous kind of love that bears the spirit of friendship. It carries with it a kind of loyalty and requires virtue, equality and familiarity. It is the spirit of love between friends, family and community. But if you cannot divulge the value to your variables, then we do not have honesty between us. And so we can never be anything more than a memory to each other. You will become one of those equations I practiced in elementary school or high school and never could solve.
You'll float around my mind when I am trying to get to sleep some nights in the future, your "Y" running through my head like a heartbeat. I will always wonder why one side consisted of a two numbers and a math operation, and the other side only consist of a number. But I'll know, when I do the math out, they mean the same. The equation will balance out. Even if we use variables like nicknames. I will know that the nickname still equals you. If I call you by that name or your real name you would answer just the same. To put it plainly, you might go by another name than I used to call you but this one truth will remain the same…different names same person.
Alas, I still have no idea how to find the value of "Y" in the above equation you have poured yourself into. But I know a bit about fact families. I know they can show the relationship between two families if I use addition and subtraction or multiplication and division. There are four facts included in each fact family. In this equation that stands between us now they are: Honesty, artifice, loyalty, and aversion. You may never afford me the value to the variable on your own. I may have to solve the equation by myself. But it will be a sad day when I do, because then I will know for some reason you left unsaid: you let the spirit of Philia between us atrophy and with it my hopes to continue to have you in my life ever, even as a friend.
You are like a new person I have met, and without knowing your name I am speaking to you. I am introducing myself and still left wondering what to call you. What to speak when I call you by name. Before I learn your name, I have to call you by something to get to know you. At first you called yourself Sasha. Now I stare at the jagged X between us, the Y written out in curving lettering, the drooling lazy Z sliding off the page and out of view in watery transparent ink. I just want to know your name, what your value it bears so we can both be more specific. I just want to be able to call you by your real moniker and know that when I speak it, it's valid and true.
It is likewise for the letters I see in an algebra equation. I have never been upset by them, I see them as a challenge. Ever a clever detective I enjoy solving the riddle to discover the value of "X." When I view you now, I see you like that letter with numbers attached to your sides. I would like to multiply them, as I know I should, or perhaps divide them if that is what the equation dictates. But I can't even begin to clutter up my scratch paper with these calculations because I don't know what your X should stand for. Letters like these “Xs”, “Ys”, or "Zs", however you choose to represent yourself now are used to as a placeholder. They represent an unknown number, but a number none the less.
This newsprint of variables you have wrapped yourself in now, it still has a value. A lowest common denominator, and that unknown number is called a variable. If I read you as simply as "Your age in years y plus 5 is equal to eight times my age, minus 182." It would make about as much sense as a Lewis Carrol problem. The Y can be solved for, eventually it will be found out. But why, bear the y, instead of your true value. Why hide the value with a variable. Why not just reveal yourself. When have I ever been frightened away by anything you showed me?
Do you honestly believe that after all that has passed between us the simple value of a variable would make me divest myself of your presence? It is just as I said to you the other day. Why would I delude myself into believe that happiness and love between us means you have to lie to me and be dishonest? You think I would believe that staying with me if you didn't want to would be good for either of us? I want you to be happy, that is how I care about you. But I would rather know the real truth, than hide in an illusion. Now mystery is all you afford me. And I can't for the life of me understand WHY you might think it's better to omit and cover up your value with a placeholder that represents the unknown than to just reveal the hidden value and let us see each other as we really are.
Solving this problem, revealing the variables is the only thing that will allow us to ever mean anything to each other again. I am not speaking of love anymore. Not in the sense of the words Agape, or Eros, or Storge. I am not foolish enough to contend any longer that Agape or Eros flow between us now, no it is not that. I am speaking of Philia. The only thing that would bind us together now is the repose of a virtuous kind of love that bears the spirit of friendship. It carries with it a kind of loyalty and requires virtue, equality and familiarity. It is the spirit of love between friends, family and community. But if you cannot divulge the value to your variables, then we do not have honesty between us. And so we can never be anything more than a memory to each other. You will become one of those equations I practiced in elementary school or high school and never could solve.
You'll float around my mind when I am trying to get to sleep some nights in the future, your "Y" running through my head like a heartbeat. I will always wonder why one side consisted of a two numbers and a math operation, and the other side only consist of a number. But I'll know, when I do the math out, they mean the same. The equation will balance out. Even if we use variables like nicknames. I will know that the nickname still equals you. If I call you by that name or your real name you would answer just the same. To put it plainly, you might go by another name than I used to call you but this one truth will remain the same…different names same person.
Alas, I still have no idea how to find the value of "Y" in the above equation you have poured yourself into. But I know a bit about fact families. I know they can show the relationship between two families if I use addition and subtraction or multiplication and division. There are four facts included in each fact family. In this equation that stands between us now they are: Honesty, artifice, loyalty, and aversion. You may never afford me the value to the variable on your own. I may have to solve the equation by myself. But it will be a sad day when I do, because then I will know for some reason you left unsaid: you let the spirit of Philia between us atrophy and with it my hopes to continue to have you in my life ever, even as a friend.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Thirty Two 03.16.10
I have to apologize to you. There is so much I am keeping from you now, there is so much I am sparing you from because I choose to afford you that ignorance if it means you'll have bliss. I wouldn't even know where to begin anymore, and none of it matters, divulging the fullness of the truth to you will not lighten the load. It will not bring us closer together, it will not breed more understanding between us, it will not make me seem like I am someone you would want to keep in your life. In the end, this is just how it should be. My concerns are not yours to share any longer. What happens to me is of no real consequence for your journey and in fact, it should not be. I can only move forward, and show you the tender pink of my palms, holding them up as if to say "I surrender."
I have to ask you to forgive me, because it is never my intention to keep things from you. You know that I would never purposefully omit anything from you, I have tried and failed SO many times. The only things I ever have been able to keep from you are things I was keeping from myself. I wish this were the truth of the matter now, but this, this I cannot help. I cannot tell you these things, because then you might be motivated out of pity to remain in my life. And I will not have that. I would rather have your distance, than your pity any day. It is not a matter of simple pride that separates us now. It is a matter of health. It would be codependent, sick, and wrong for me to tell you these things at this point. To expect them to matter to you, to expect you to give me anything beyond what you have given already is ridiculous. I am grateful to you, so grateful that you have given me anything at all.
I'm sorry I can't ask you to be my friend or my companion where I am going now. I'm sorry that it will seem like I am withdrawing and putting distance between us purposefully. I ask only that you try, please try to understand, my intention is pure. I want to protect you. I want you to remain focused on yourself. I honestly think at this point, I do not want you to think about me at all any longer. It would be best if we both come to this realization and admitted it openly: you will be better off without me in your life. Truly, I want the best in all things for you, at present state I cannot give you my best. I can't muster good or fair for you. My only option is to do what is left, to do what is right. That is to keep my distance, to continue to keep these things from you, to keep myself far far away from your reach, from your sight, from your thoughts.
You might be wondering now, will I stop writing these letters? The answer is steadfastly: No. But I will not let my tongue fly the way I used to. You will hear no more details of the turbulence or the whining scream of my dying engines. I will give you no eyes for which to view the tailspin that ensues or the smoking rubble I will have to crawl from in the end. I will lick my wounds in silence and stitch them closed myself. I will hide the scars from you. Your ears, your velveteen ears will never bear the sounds of my sobbing. You will never learn the truth of this time of hardship for me because I wish to spare you the melancholy. Let me give you joy, I'll find some sunshine in my days yet to come real or fiction to share with you.
I will show you just my love, just my teeth bared in the whitest of smiles. For truly it will be only thoughts of you to bring some real and lasting happiness for at least a while. But I will not show you my eyes grown swollen and red, and I will not let you hear the tremors in my voice. I am about to show you a magic show, fading from view, you will see only puffs of smoke and bright costumes worn for your amusement. If this hurts you, if this drive you from me, then I again, I feel compelled to beg for your mercy. It is out of my supreme consideration for you that I bar you from these sights and never tell you what will transpire in this time. I will paint myself with stripes and walk with tigers, hoping they do not smell my bacon scented sweat and fear.
I will attempt to appear normal as if nothing is amiss. I will not bother your friends for one iota of help. I will not contact them to tell them what transpires, and if they ask me, I will keep this from their view as well. This is how it should be. You should move on with freedom and grace kissing the soles of your feet at every step. I should appear jubilant and carefree as well. And so, I shall appear that way for your sake. And I will hope that someday, you may come to understand that I kept these things from you so that you could continue to move on and keep what we have had between us unsullied in your memories. Now I will only wonder, if there will ever come a day when you stop reading these words. I will only wonder if the day you do not return anymore was yesterday, or today, or tomorrow.
And if you should stop, then maybe I will know at least some peace I suppose. I will hope that I have done what is right for you, and allowed you to walk free. I will have granted you the final ability to never have to think of me without a smile on your face or a chuckle in your heart. I would rather you think of me with warmth and sunshine peppering your mirth than sadness or sorrow or pity gracing your lips. Let there be nothing left to say between us for the rest of the time you read these letters except: I love it when you smile.
I have to ask you to forgive me, because it is never my intention to keep things from you. You know that I would never purposefully omit anything from you, I have tried and failed SO many times. The only things I ever have been able to keep from you are things I was keeping from myself. I wish this were the truth of the matter now, but this, this I cannot help. I cannot tell you these things, because then you might be motivated out of pity to remain in my life. And I will not have that. I would rather have your distance, than your pity any day. It is not a matter of simple pride that separates us now. It is a matter of health. It would be codependent, sick, and wrong for me to tell you these things at this point. To expect them to matter to you, to expect you to give me anything beyond what you have given already is ridiculous. I am grateful to you, so grateful that you have given me anything at all.
I'm sorry I can't ask you to be my friend or my companion where I am going now. I'm sorry that it will seem like I am withdrawing and putting distance between us purposefully. I ask only that you try, please try to understand, my intention is pure. I want to protect you. I want you to remain focused on yourself. I honestly think at this point, I do not want you to think about me at all any longer. It would be best if we both come to this realization and admitted it openly: you will be better off without me in your life. Truly, I want the best in all things for you, at present state I cannot give you my best. I can't muster good or fair for you. My only option is to do what is left, to do what is right. That is to keep my distance, to continue to keep these things from you, to keep myself far far away from your reach, from your sight, from your thoughts.
You might be wondering now, will I stop writing these letters? The answer is steadfastly: No. But I will not let my tongue fly the way I used to. You will hear no more details of the turbulence or the whining scream of my dying engines. I will give you no eyes for which to view the tailspin that ensues or the smoking rubble I will have to crawl from in the end. I will lick my wounds in silence and stitch them closed myself. I will hide the scars from you. Your ears, your velveteen ears will never bear the sounds of my sobbing. You will never learn the truth of this time of hardship for me because I wish to spare you the melancholy. Let me give you joy, I'll find some sunshine in my days yet to come real or fiction to share with you.
I will show you just my love, just my teeth bared in the whitest of smiles. For truly it will be only thoughts of you to bring some real and lasting happiness for at least a while. But I will not show you my eyes grown swollen and red, and I will not let you hear the tremors in my voice. I am about to show you a magic show, fading from view, you will see only puffs of smoke and bright costumes worn for your amusement. If this hurts you, if this drive you from me, then I again, I feel compelled to beg for your mercy. It is out of my supreme consideration for you that I bar you from these sights and never tell you what will transpire in this time. I will paint myself with stripes and walk with tigers, hoping they do not smell my bacon scented sweat and fear.
I will attempt to appear normal as if nothing is amiss. I will not bother your friends for one iota of help. I will not contact them to tell them what transpires, and if they ask me, I will keep this from their view as well. This is how it should be. You should move on with freedom and grace kissing the soles of your feet at every step. I should appear jubilant and carefree as well. And so, I shall appear that way for your sake. And I will hope that someday, you may come to understand that I kept these things from you so that you could continue to move on and keep what we have had between us unsullied in your memories. Now I will only wonder, if there will ever come a day when you stop reading these words. I will only wonder if the day you do not return anymore was yesterday, or today, or tomorrow.
And if you should stop, then maybe I will know at least some peace I suppose. I will hope that I have done what is right for you, and allowed you to walk free. I will have granted you the final ability to never have to think of me without a smile on your face or a chuckle in your heart. I would rather you think of me with warmth and sunshine peppering your mirth than sadness or sorrow or pity gracing your lips. Let there be nothing left to say between us for the rest of the time you read these letters except: I love it when you smile.
Thirty One 03.15.10
A month has passed already like smoke curling through my spindly fingers. I am washing away the scent of fear from my body as my head bends back into the spray of my shower. The beads reign down against my head and I think of you, the way you used to run your nails across my scalp and make me shiver. One hundred and twelve pages I have poured out of my heart for you in the last thirty days, spending these words carelessly around in every direction. I am pitching them like knives at a curved mirror. They could cut me, they could be the thing that fells me in the end. These emotions, these words I attempt to convey, they could be my undoing I suppose. But I prefer to think of it more like this.
You are the streets of Argentina. I roamed you once and fell madly in love with you. You have never left my dreams or my thoughts even after I left your soil. I cannot dislodge any part of you from my mind, my spirit, my body; Not your tangled tango limbs, or your laughter bearing the braying of accordion music , or your swagger carrying street graffiti and the smell of piss. I could never forget you, the same way I could never forget Argentina. Its misty cobbled streets haunt my dreams the same way your dark tendril trusses do. Its small sweet stands and glittering chocolates dance in the corners of my memory never far from reach, just as the deep flavor of your kiss beckons my lips each night. Even though it has been some 3 years since I set foot on that corner of the globe, I know, I will return to this place.
It is certain, for I can see it, stretched out over many years of my life, I will return to that place of magic and wonder. So it is with you, I know I will always return to you. Even if I wander, even if life carries us away from each other, I will always return to your side. Argentina is in my heart, and always just a dream away. You are no different from that place, you are filled with the familiar and the exotic. You hold the promise of welcome and the excitement of the foreign. I will never conquer you, I will never try, I will only explore you as often as you allow. I will give you my heart this way, because it was tied to you this way the moment I met you.
I do not wonder if I should see you again, for you have told me I will always have a place in your life. I only wonder what time alone will reveal to me, will I always have a place in your heart? The answer of course, does not matter now. And so it should not be looked after, but only noted so that you might remember this: Your place in my heart is the whole of it. I will go on loving others my friends, my family, my fellow humankind. I will spread joy and peace to every corner of the globe. Such is my mission in this cycle, I have come to accept that now. But my heart, will always be possessed by you. That is why I ask you to grant me this mercy, should you ever decide you no longer wish to have my heart to yourself. Please keep it, for I have no use for it. Do not return it to me, for it will be a useless scrap of muscle and tissue. Rather, you should keep it as a trophy, to know all that you are capable of achieving.
Keep it as a souvenir so that it is a lasting reminder that somewhere the world over, there is someone who will always love you. And you can look at it as often as you like, and see how its every stitch of flesh is made up in your image. How it survives to love you in spite of whatever resistance it may encounter. No, you may keep it, please do not give it back. But you may send word, that you have mounted it and how it gleams upon your mantle piece, now only an ornament to a dead love. You can send me funny stories about how it is the showcase piece in your taxidermy collection. How it is the cornerstone of your living room, a real "conversation piece" amongst friends. And I will smile, knowing that it is being put to good use. I will smile knowing that when all the guests have gone home and your new lover has retired to bed, you will sit upon a velveteen cushion and by its light you will send Alice in Wonderland Caterpillar smoke rings into the air. I will smile knowing that you are basking in its warmth.
And as you do, you can listen to the sounds of Argentine accordions sing you sweet melodies from my memories and you can watch how the figurines of you and I dance in the misty cobblestone streets within the chambers of my heart. It will be your own private theater, to play out any recollections or any fantasies you might have had of our lives together at any one point. And I assure you, it will glow for you just the same every night. It will shine in delicate ruby shades and spill forth a kind of fog bank made of love and hope. I hope that you will let it wash over you then, and carry you away to other times in space. Times when this burden of distance and grief did not have to come between us. Times when we could have learned to love each other still and been good for one another. Times I am hoping are still in store for us both.
Yes, until the day I die, you will be my Argentina. Beautiful and profound, you will have touched me just as this place did, invoking wonder and a sense of homecoming. You are tango heels and the chrome spit shined on a classic Buick sitting in the sunset on a small avenue in La Boca. You are the cheery colors and acrobatic fonts that haunt my dreams from every store's sign. You are the smell of hash and hand rolled cigarettes. You are golden media lunas filling the night sky, and the eyes of Evita Peron smiling down on me from the stars. You are the soul shaking majesty of the crypts of Recoleta cemetery. And when I die, I want my bones to be buried there, under your skin forever. I want my crypt to look like the plantation house I dream of raising your children in, weeping with moss and lichen but standing resolute and firm. I want you to visit that place, and run your hands over my death portrait and see the smile plastered on my face. I want you to know then, the smile was always for you, even in my dying moment.
And when you return home after your visit to my resting place, I want you to see how my heart still glows for your in its glass casement. I want you to know then what I have told you is always true, my love is ever last. My love for you is the stuff of fairy tales made real. And you will always have this love, the same way that I will always have Argentina in your kiss when I close my eyes to sleep.
You are the streets of Argentina. I roamed you once and fell madly in love with you. You have never left my dreams or my thoughts even after I left your soil. I cannot dislodge any part of you from my mind, my spirit, my body; Not your tangled tango limbs, or your laughter bearing the braying of accordion music , or your swagger carrying street graffiti and the smell of piss. I could never forget you, the same way I could never forget Argentina. Its misty cobbled streets haunt my dreams the same way your dark tendril trusses do. Its small sweet stands and glittering chocolates dance in the corners of my memory never far from reach, just as the deep flavor of your kiss beckons my lips each night. Even though it has been some 3 years since I set foot on that corner of the globe, I know, I will return to this place.
It is certain, for I can see it, stretched out over many years of my life, I will return to that place of magic and wonder. So it is with you, I know I will always return to you. Even if I wander, even if life carries us away from each other, I will always return to your side. Argentina is in my heart, and always just a dream away. You are no different from that place, you are filled with the familiar and the exotic. You hold the promise of welcome and the excitement of the foreign. I will never conquer you, I will never try, I will only explore you as often as you allow. I will give you my heart this way, because it was tied to you this way the moment I met you.
I do not wonder if I should see you again, for you have told me I will always have a place in your life. I only wonder what time alone will reveal to me, will I always have a place in your heart? The answer of course, does not matter now. And so it should not be looked after, but only noted so that you might remember this: Your place in my heart is the whole of it. I will go on loving others my friends, my family, my fellow humankind. I will spread joy and peace to every corner of the globe. Such is my mission in this cycle, I have come to accept that now. But my heart, will always be possessed by you. That is why I ask you to grant me this mercy, should you ever decide you no longer wish to have my heart to yourself. Please keep it, for I have no use for it. Do not return it to me, for it will be a useless scrap of muscle and tissue. Rather, you should keep it as a trophy, to know all that you are capable of achieving.
Keep it as a souvenir so that it is a lasting reminder that somewhere the world over, there is someone who will always love you. And you can look at it as often as you like, and see how its every stitch of flesh is made up in your image. How it survives to love you in spite of whatever resistance it may encounter. No, you may keep it, please do not give it back. But you may send word, that you have mounted it and how it gleams upon your mantle piece, now only an ornament to a dead love. You can send me funny stories about how it is the showcase piece in your taxidermy collection. How it is the cornerstone of your living room, a real "conversation piece" amongst friends. And I will smile, knowing that it is being put to good use. I will smile knowing that when all the guests have gone home and your new lover has retired to bed, you will sit upon a velveteen cushion and by its light you will send Alice in Wonderland Caterpillar smoke rings into the air. I will smile knowing that you are basking in its warmth.
And as you do, you can listen to the sounds of Argentine accordions sing you sweet melodies from my memories and you can watch how the figurines of you and I dance in the misty cobblestone streets within the chambers of my heart. It will be your own private theater, to play out any recollections or any fantasies you might have had of our lives together at any one point. And I assure you, it will glow for you just the same every night. It will shine in delicate ruby shades and spill forth a kind of fog bank made of love and hope. I hope that you will let it wash over you then, and carry you away to other times in space. Times when this burden of distance and grief did not have to come between us. Times when we could have learned to love each other still and been good for one another. Times I am hoping are still in store for us both.
Yes, until the day I die, you will be my Argentina. Beautiful and profound, you will have touched me just as this place did, invoking wonder and a sense of homecoming. You are tango heels and the chrome spit shined on a classic Buick sitting in the sunset on a small avenue in La Boca. You are the cheery colors and acrobatic fonts that haunt my dreams from every store's sign. You are the smell of hash and hand rolled cigarettes. You are golden media lunas filling the night sky, and the eyes of Evita Peron smiling down on me from the stars. You are the soul shaking majesty of the crypts of Recoleta cemetery. And when I die, I want my bones to be buried there, under your skin forever. I want my crypt to look like the plantation house I dream of raising your children in, weeping with moss and lichen but standing resolute and firm. I want you to visit that place, and run your hands over my death portrait and see the smile plastered on my face. I want you to know then, the smile was always for you, even in my dying moment.
And when you return home after your visit to my resting place, I want you to see how my heart still glows for your in its glass casement. I want you to know then what I have told you is always true, my love is ever last. My love for you is the stuff of fairy tales made real. And you will always have this love, the same way that I will always have Argentina in your kiss when I close my eyes to sleep.
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