I've nothing. Nothing to say to you tonight but the same old tired bullshit I've always said. And this will sound callous, and unforgiving, but on some level I want you to know it. Or better yet, I want me to know it. Because I've long, long given up on you reading these missives. I probably stopped writing them when we got back together the first time because I knew somewhere deep down, you'd stop reading them. You'd stop listening. You'd stop hearing me. And I'm so exhausted.
So very tired of feeling wedded to someone that'd rather be a million miles and spaces away from me than with me. Than in it with me. I knew, somewhere along the lines, that THIS was wasted effort on my part. So I STOPPED WRITING THE LETTERS. Broke my own promises. Broke down and gave in that the strength of the love we felt together in THESE moments was enough to carry us through. That the poems I wrote, that the time I spent, that all I provided you with would have been enough. That somehow-somehow, we'd find a better way of communicating than this....this empty space. These shallow words. These trapped phrases and quicksand proclamations that would fade in time.
Still, because I can only be true to myself I bent until I was nearly at the point of breaking. I tried to demonstrate my love in word and bond instead of just the static of these syllabic phrases grafted into internet either. But this is how you loved me, I have to realize after three and a half years. You loved me, in more ways than anyone before, but only at a distance. Only when the safety of page or screen or distance was between us. And that should have been my first clues. Love is work, but you made it the kind of arduous journey I never knew love could be. Even through the knowledge and experience of my divorce, even through the fall out of an emotionally abusive relationship that followed. Your lack of self knowledge and puerile attitude would have given birth to this. Things layer up, they get too hard, and you withdraw. You've done it every time. And I'm an idiot, a fool to continue chasing you through this game of fox and hound. I see that now.
So I've nothing but bitter and antagonistic lyrics to throw in your face now, songs that I once shared with you; thinking you'd understand me deeply after hearing them...the meaning went missing then clearly, judging by the outcome, so let me repeat them to myself so I know better the next time around:
"Think you're denying me something, but I've got plenty. You're the one whose missing out. But you won't notice. 'Till after five years if you live that long, you'll wake up - all loveless. I dare you, to take me on. I dare you, to show me your palms. I'm so bored of cowards. That say they want, [sic love] but then they can't handle. You can't handle love, you can't handle love. You just can't handle love. I dare you to take me on, I dare you show me your palms, what's so scary? Not a threat in sight. You just can't handle, you just can't handle love. You can't handle love, baby. You can't handle love, it's obvious."
Still, in spite of an overwhelming amount of experience to teach me otherwise, I invested in us. And it's not all your fault. In spite of the circumstances of our final ending, I'm willing to be generous and take blame equally where it is given. I understand, and this is the heart of my anger, and frustration, and total mortifying heartbreak: I allowed this to happen; to myself. And that is where the kickback of disappointment begins and ends really. I shouldn't have. Shouldn't have allowed you to take over so much of my life, and yet distanced you so much. I should have acknowledged that I can be oblivious when I want to, but that I am no idiot. I know, I can hear the hoof beats long before the stampede set in. And I did. I chose instead to buy into your idiot praises. Your malcontent attempts at faith. Your blind optimism in the face of abject failure.
And I hope you understand, the depth of these scathing sentiments comes from the depth of my feelings for you. All my hopes and dreams and fantasies made real rested in your arms, have now come to nothing but pain and heartbreak because you turned callow. Gave up and walked away.
Now you're acting the part. Being brave, being independent enough to grow a backbone and care for yourself. You're working out, you're applying yourself more to your scholarly pursuits, you're acting the part of one that can provide for oneself. I have only questions now left in your absence...Why?
Why couldn't you have done these things WITH me instead of apart? And the questions are as nonsensical as the answer I realize. Because. Because you had to be alone to do them. Because you need to find yourself. Because the timing was off. Because we weren't truly meant for each other in the ways we both thought we were, at least not in this life time. And I know, that I told you, I wouldn't be nasty or vindictive, or callous.
And I'm not trying to be. I love you still, even though I don't want to any longer. Truth be told I have longed to fall out of love with you for sometime. It's been months and I've been waiting to grow a spine and call it off. Call it out for as broken as it was. Stop giving you second and third and fourth and fifth chances and just walk away knowing I did my best, but in this case my best wasn't good enough for either of us.
And I'm a hypocrite for it. I should have left you months ago when you started pulling the strings. Should have told you: No. I deserve more. And if you can't find it in your heart and soul to give it to me, then you are not the one. I sold out. On myself, and that's why I'm angry now. That's why I'm frusterated that you didn't hear it before when I told you my heartfelt confessions. All the nights I spent at the time crying myself to sleep when I was alone, running scared, running on empty. I konw what that was now. I was afraid. Afraid I was losing you, afraid I was finding reasons in your behavior to fall out of love with you. Long before you intiated this break, I was mourning its loss.
All of that, all of it, is my fault.
I have never learned to exit graciously. I have always been the kind to cross the finish line, no matter what place I was taking. Better to cross it, than just walk off the field I was always taught. I have to remind myself, in times like these, that that is not the case for everyone. Some people cannot fail while trying their best and hold their integrity together.
All of these things are my fault. All of this is my doing. All of it is my shortcoming I need to desperately overcome in order to find true love. But until then, Feist's "Inside and Out" plays games with my head and makes me think of you so clearly:
"Love you forever but you're driving me insane, and I'm hanging on. I'll wait I'll never give in, my love has got the power. Too many lovers in one lifetime ain't good for you. You treat me like a vision in the night. Someone that matters behind you when you're world ain;t working right. I aint' no vision. I'm the girl that loves you inside and out. Someone there to stand behind you when your world ain't working right. I ain't no vision, I'm the girl who loves you inside and out.
Backwards and forwards with my heart hanging out. I love no other way. What are we gonna do if we lose that fire? Wrap myself up and take me home again. Too many heartaches in one lifetime ain't good for me. You figure it's the love that keeps you warm let this moment be forever we won't ever feel the storm. I ain't no vision, I'm the girl who loves you inside and out. Backwards and forwards with my heart hanging out. I love no other way. What are we gonna do if we lose that fire? Don't try to tell me that it's over- I can't hear a word I can't hear a lie. No girl could love you more and that's what I'm cryin' for you can't change the way I feel inside. You're the reason for my laughter and my sorrow. Blow out the candle I will burn again tomorrow. No man on earth can stand between my loving arms- And no matter how you hurt me, I will love you till I die. I ain't no vision, I'm the girl who loves you inside and out- backwards and forwards with my heart hanging out. I love no other way. What are we gonna do if we lose that fire?"
These words speak all too clearly to me. And somehow, through the pop tunes or desolation, the optimism convinces me that through the pain there is SOMETHING worth holding out for. But the only problem is, I know better now.
Last night I saw a beautiful death. A coyote had strewn itself across the highway like a pinata. And by then I had driven for hours and I wanted to pull over and fall asleep behind the wheel - but I saw it, and I circled back. I drove until I came across it again, in better lighting, and slower speeds. I wanted to be sure what I had seen. And while I wound my way through the two exits to get to it, I heard "Home" by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes and I for the first time since Thursday, thought of you in the way I want to remember you.
It was love, pure and unadulterated that coursed through me. That spirit of friendship and adore that caused me to stay all this time. That same longing to be with you, in the spirit of giving that allowed me to convince myself to stick it out for your benefit, thinking you'd kick in and do the same for me. And the smile that spread across my jawline nearly broke it. The warmth in my heart more powerful than any whiskey or gin we've bottled yet. And I remembered, I remembered what I had that was so worth losing at your side. But this place, this place is lonely and desolate. You've not been here for a long time. This home, hasn't had you in it since you jumped out the window thinking I was a threat all those months ago.
So girl, be well. I hope you never read these. I hope you run, as you are accustomed to, and never look back. I hope you run straight into yourself, and then into the arms of another who is clearly more suited to love you fully the way you want and need. And in the meantime, I'll be digging out of this hole, even when it caves in on itself. I'll be moving upwards and out, and feel less tarnished and stained by this whole process. And someday...I KNOW IT...I'll find someone to have that home with.
It just can never be you.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Surrender
It's little wonder I feel this way. Shaken, saddened, numb. And yet, so very full of emotions. Too many thoughts to properly catalog and decipher before the next set begins.
Life goes on without you. And it will.
But I have to keep reminding myself, not to cry when I'm working. Not to cave in and fall into the malaise of sadness yawning wide around my heart. Not to wall up, and guard off, but rather to remain open.
Surrender is something I have learned well in my life. This encapsulates my feelings at the present moment so perfectly. Surrender- come and wrap yourself around me like a white flag. There is no fighting this sorrow, only weathering through it.
Only allowing those parts of me I'd like to protect with bitterness and anger like I used to with tenderness and understanding instead. There is depth here to plumb, and I've never been one for the shallows this life offers.
I've spent all day hugging the coastline. Surrounded by opulence, and beauty. Rubbing elbows with the super rich that far surpass me and the limits of my own dreams. And sex appeal, is everywhere.
Yet my thoughts don't turn to you.
Curious. Ordinarily you'd be the focus of my every attention, especially in this regard. I do not find myself longing for the smothering heat of your kiss in this place.
Do not gaze forward into my future and feel the electricity coursing through me that I once found in your arms so powerfully. Perhaps it is simply because in this very regard you have become such a stranger to me. A landscape I once knew as well as my own body, but once the borders were built up and fortified I lost my ability to navigate it. Even with my dreams and hopes.
I am spending my fantasy moments on another kind of woman. Someone I do not as of yet know, but will someday, of that I am most sure. And there are still parts of me that wish it was you I could call "home" in these ways. That I didn't just feel depressed and betrayed when I think of you. That I could stop this love I have instantaneously to save you the pain of my heartbreak.
I don't want to be a distraction for your forward momentum in anyway. And I'll miss you, for a while longer. I'll think of you so often, like an instinctual internal process I cannot explain anymore than remembering to breathe. But I'm not going to hold my breath this time. I'm letting it go- in gasps, and sobs, and screams and laughter. I'm letting it go, little by little. Even though parts of me fight so hard to hold on still.
But what is there left to hold onto anymore, but the doorknob to an empty room?
Life goes on without you. And it will.
But I have to keep reminding myself, not to cry when I'm working. Not to cave in and fall into the malaise of sadness yawning wide around my heart. Not to wall up, and guard off, but rather to remain open.
Surrender is something I have learned well in my life. This encapsulates my feelings at the present moment so perfectly. Surrender- come and wrap yourself around me like a white flag. There is no fighting this sorrow, only weathering through it.
Only allowing those parts of me I'd like to protect with bitterness and anger like I used to with tenderness and understanding instead. There is depth here to plumb, and I've never been one for the shallows this life offers.
I've spent all day hugging the coastline. Surrounded by opulence, and beauty. Rubbing elbows with the super rich that far surpass me and the limits of my own dreams. And sex appeal, is everywhere.
Yet my thoughts don't turn to you.
Curious. Ordinarily you'd be the focus of my every attention, especially in this regard. I do not find myself longing for the smothering heat of your kiss in this place.
Do not gaze forward into my future and feel the electricity coursing through me that I once found in your arms so powerfully. Perhaps it is simply because in this very regard you have become such a stranger to me. A landscape I once knew as well as my own body, but once the borders were built up and fortified I lost my ability to navigate it. Even with my dreams and hopes.
I am spending my fantasy moments on another kind of woman. Someone I do not as of yet know, but will someday, of that I am most sure. And there are still parts of me that wish it was you I could call "home" in these ways. That I didn't just feel depressed and betrayed when I think of you. That I could stop this love I have instantaneously to save you the pain of my heartbreak.
I don't want to be a distraction for your forward momentum in anyway. And I'll miss you, for a while longer. I'll think of you so often, like an instinctual internal process I cannot explain anymore than remembering to breathe. But I'm not going to hold my breath this time. I'm letting it go- in gasps, and sobs, and screams and laughter. I'm letting it go, little by little. Even though parts of me fight so hard to hold on still.
But what is there left to hold onto anymore, but the doorknob to an empty room?
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Reverb
You've had a change of heart of how to deal with this properly. You've agreed to do this the honorable way, face to face. And I'm thankful for that, in ways you can't imagine. Please don't rethink this decision when it come down to it. If this is truly what you want and need to do, then I need you to follow it through to it's logical conclusion. I need you to be brave, and demonstrate the loyalty that I have always tried to give you. I am willing to let you go. I am willing to let you move on and find yourself on your own if you honestly believe that is what you need to do.
And I'm not going to lie. It is devastating. It is beyond troubling to me to come this far and have it all go to waste in the end. It is something I can't fully understand, but I hope to in time. I hope to be able to grow out of this for myself, and come to places of closure and understanding. I am hoping I can retain the ability to trust people, although I feel right now it is so fragile and torn. And I am hoping that eventually in the course of my life I can find some respect in myself to stop swinging around a light bulb on the end of a chain which is constantly flicked on and off.
And I don't want to say these things. I don't want to acknowledge it. I don't want to be aware of it in its slightest working parts. But I'm coming to understand it this time. The trust is gone, and I honestly have no idea how it will ever come back. I can't shelter you from this. I can't tell you everything will be ok, and in the end it will be perfectly as it is to be. I don't know what the future holds for us individually or together or apart. But I'm starting to see where I need to be going for my own needs. I'm starting to understand that the things I have given over are just the patterned effects of wanting something so badly without being able to fully grasp the consequences of one's actions playing into over and over.
I'm tried, I'm worn out. There's been this tidal wave of relief this time, which I have felt guilty for, I'll be honest. But I know what that means. I got worn out working and trying and searching for something that I was carrying the burden of mostly on my own. And this is confusing for both us, and not good for either of this. And I hope you understand, that there's an even split. One side wants you to redact this and come back. And there's another side that is praying you don't. That you understand fully this is obviously in its present state something you are unprepared for. And only time is going to show us both the way forward. Time, which we both have an abundance of, it will help us to heal.
It's a dreaded journey, when all I have is my heart to govern me. But this is the way that I function. And I have to honor the core of me, the way I honor the core of you. And I'm sorry we lost sight of these things together on our own. I can still see it, within you, all around you, and before and behind you. And it is that vantage point that allows me to know with absolute certainty that you will make it through this. Just as I know I will make it through this. I won't deny it. I don't want to go through this process on some level. I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to jump through all these loops of fire. I don't want to stumble through the stages of grief and growth through pain. I want to comfort of certainty and I just want to close my eyes and wake up five years in the future next to my partner and look back on this for what it was, a wonderful raw powerful intense growth period. A relationship that brought me joy, and pain, and adventure. But an adventure whose chapter has come to a close.
The only thing I can say at this point now is I tried my very best. For me, for you, for both of us. And now I have to move forward and try my very best to release us both. To free us from this bond of torture and shallow offers of comfort. I believe that love is worthwhile. I believe that they way I love is something uncommon, something that people are not used to and do not engage in for the majority anymore. But I know, that when I get through this, I will be able to find the right place and time to give that love away the way that I do, and someone will offer it back.
And I'm not disclosing full blame onto you. I'm aware of the ways that you tried, I'm aware of the effort you put in, I'm aware of the ways that you love me and did love me, and honored me. We are both far from perfect, and there is the illusion of hope in my heart "someday, someday..." "Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps..." But there is love, that ties us together. And there is something else that is waiting on the other side, together and apart that will allow us to find what we both deserve and need. So until next time we speak. Be well. Challenge yourself. Grow. Grieve. Process. And have your adventures. Trust that I will be doing the same. Echoing love, echoing hope, echoing the future that we both will wind up in that is proper and gratifying for our own dreams to come true.
And I'm not going to lie. It is devastating. It is beyond troubling to me to come this far and have it all go to waste in the end. It is something I can't fully understand, but I hope to in time. I hope to be able to grow out of this for myself, and come to places of closure and understanding. I am hoping I can retain the ability to trust people, although I feel right now it is so fragile and torn. And I am hoping that eventually in the course of my life I can find some respect in myself to stop swinging around a light bulb on the end of a chain which is constantly flicked on and off.
And I don't want to say these things. I don't want to acknowledge it. I don't want to be aware of it in its slightest working parts. But I'm coming to understand it this time. The trust is gone, and I honestly have no idea how it will ever come back. I can't shelter you from this. I can't tell you everything will be ok, and in the end it will be perfectly as it is to be. I don't know what the future holds for us individually or together or apart. But I'm starting to see where I need to be going for my own needs. I'm starting to understand that the things I have given over are just the patterned effects of wanting something so badly without being able to fully grasp the consequences of one's actions playing into over and over.
I'm tried, I'm worn out. There's been this tidal wave of relief this time, which I have felt guilty for, I'll be honest. But I know what that means. I got worn out working and trying and searching for something that I was carrying the burden of mostly on my own. And this is confusing for both us, and not good for either of this. And I hope you understand, that there's an even split. One side wants you to redact this and come back. And there's another side that is praying you don't. That you understand fully this is obviously in its present state something you are unprepared for. And only time is going to show us both the way forward. Time, which we both have an abundance of, it will help us to heal.
It's a dreaded journey, when all I have is my heart to govern me. But this is the way that I function. And I have to honor the core of me, the way I honor the core of you. And I'm sorry we lost sight of these things together on our own. I can still see it, within you, all around you, and before and behind you. And it is that vantage point that allows me to know with absolute certainty that you will make it through this. Just as I know I will make it through this. I won't deny it. I don't want to go through this process on some level. I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to jump through all these loops of fire. I don't want to stumble through the stages of grief and growth through pain. I want to comfort of certainty and I just want to close my eyes and wake up five years in the future next to my partner and look back on this for what it was, a wonderful raw powerful intense growth period. A relationship that brought me joy, and pain, and adventure. But an adventure whose chapter has come to a close.
The only thing I can say at this point now is I tried my very best. For me, for you, for both of us. And now I have to move forward and try my very best to release us both. To free us from this bond of torture and shallow offers of comfort. I believe that love is worthwhile. I believe that they way I love is something uncommon, something that people are not used to and do not engage in for the majority anymore. But I know, that when I get through this, I will be able to find the right place and time to give that love away the way that I do, and someone will offer it back.
And I'm not disclosing full blame onto you. I'm aware of the ways that you tried, I'm aware of the effort you put in, I'm aware of the ways that you love me and did love me, and honored me. We are both far from perfect, and there is the illusion of hope in my heart "someday, someday..." "Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps..." But there is love, that ties us together. And there is something else that is waiting on the other side, together and apart that will allow us to find what we both deserve and need. So until next time we speak. Be well. Challenge yourself. Grow. Grieve. Process. And have your adventures. Trust that I will be doing the same. Echoing love, echoing hope, echoing the future that we both will wind up in that is proper and gratifying for our own dreams to come true.
Mistaken
I'm not sure how to say it without sounding judgmental. So I will just tell you straight out, and hope you understand I mean this with the best of intentions and good humor, there's not a trace of malice or bitterness. There is only love, there is only hope, and and effort to understand you. Still, even though you tell me things in your heart have changed, but you can't tell me how. Even though you tell me you love me still when I speak you. And who knows what the hell that even means anymore. It could mean a thousand things. It could mean you simply care for me. It could mean you want me to be well. It could mean you are still in love with me, but you don't know how to love me anymore. It could mean, I don't want to do this, but I feel like I have to. It could mean I do want to do this, and I've been unhappy for a long time and that's why I'm letting you go. It could mean, I want to be with you, but I don't know how.
And I don't assume to know what's right or wrong in this. I'm not in charge of your destiny, I never was. I never wanted to be. I just wanted to share it with you. I just wanted to support you through the changes, to be your companion, your friend, your lover through it. And unfortunately...I believe that for whatever reason, you believe you are not able to break through, change, grow, and find what you want in this life without being alone. Please, correct me if I am wrong, tell me it is something altogether different. That it's not that relationships like the one I tried to give you make you feel trapped. That you fear the failure and fall out so you leave on a high note before things get much worse. That you leave the door open a tiny crack everytime you go.
Please tell me otherwise, this has happened twice now, I'm starting to get a feel for this. Every time you have given up and walked away from this, and I say that again, without any reservation of love in my heart for you. But you have given up and walked away twice now. Tell me, how after three years of happiness, something nebulous can change and you just let it go. You just left it dissipate. You didn't come to me when you had the inklings, you just pulled away more and more, until you told me you couldn't stay any longer. How does that make sense really? I know. It's love, Blythe. It's not rational. It's not meant to make sense. Just as it is not meant to be goverened or controlled or idly experimented with.
I am aware it was not always perfect. It had it's ups and downs, its challenges, it's grievances, but when I look back on I remember us being inordinately happy. Didn't you feel the same way? Or was it all a charade? I can't believe that really. I know that you were. And even very recently you were happy I believe, I don't believe you just said these things to buy into the fantasy. I believe you are scared, and trying to act in the interest of fairness and good will and remarkably, still in the spirit of deep love.
But I'll tell you, I believe you are making a mistake. What kind of mistake that is has of yet, been undetermined. And perhaps really, we have just been a collection of mistakes and educated guesses along the way. Choices we made thinking we knew what was happening, when really we were responding to the stimulus of our present surrounding. And the only thing I can't really understand is why you keep thinking you can walk out on this and have things return to normal. That life will just carry us along and away from each other that simply. I hope to god that for the things I have learned in this relationship I can find someone who is brave enough to see this life through with me. Someone who wants me that bad to kick in the afterburners and stay, and work for me, and with me, and love me and love with me. The only problem is, well it's cliche, and you won't believe me anyway, but this love is just not going to go away. I unfortunately for you and for me both in this situation will always love you, whether I should or not, whether I want to or not. A heart is not for keeping to oneself, it is for giving away. And as of now, you have the bulk of mine. And it will remain for you, underneath every guise and glamour I can devise to poison it and rid it of my soul. It will remain. That much I know to be truth. So I suppose I'll just have to learn to lie to myself over time in order to move on.
But please, know this now, if it comes down to it someday that I don't tell you I love you anymore-it does not mean that I don't. It only means I learned how to lie again to my very own heart.
And I don't assume to know what's right or wrong in this. I'm not in charge of your destiny, I never was. I never wanted to be. I just wanted to share it with you. I just wanted to support you through the changes, to be your companion, your friend, your lover through it. And unfortunately...I believe that for whatever reason, you believe you are not able to break through, change, grow, and find what you want in this life without being alone. Please, correct me if I am wrong, tell me it is something altogether different. That it's not that relationships like the one I tried to give you make you feel trapped. That you fear the failure and fall out so you leave on a high note before things get much worse. That you leave the door open a tiny crack everytime you go.
Please tell me otherwise, this has happened twice now, I'm starting to get a feel for this. Every time you have given up and walked away from this, and I say that again, without any reservation of love in my heart for you. But you have given up and walked away twice now. Tell me, how after three years of happiness, something nebulous can change and you just let it go. You just left it dissipate. You didn't come to me when you had the inklings, you just pulled away more and more, until you told me you couldn't stay any longer. How does that make sense really? I know. It's love, Blythe. It's not rational. It's not meant to make sense. Just as it is not meant to be goverened or controlled or idly experimented with.
I am aware it was not always perfect. It had it's ups and downs, its challenges, it's grievances, but when I look back on I remember us being inordinately happy. Didn't you feel the same way? Or was it all a charade? I can't believe that really. I know that you were. And even very recently you were happy I believe, I don't believe you just said these things to buy into the fantasy. I believe you are scared, and trying to act in the interest of fairness and good will and remarkably, still in the spirit of deep love.
But I'll tell you, I believe you are making a mistake. What kind of mistake that is has of yet, been undetermined. And perhaps really, we have just been a collection of mistakes and educated guesses along the way. Choices we made thinking we knew what was happening, when really we were responding to the stimulus of our present surrounding. And the only thing I can't really understand is why you keep thinking you can walk out on this and have things return to normal. That life will just carry us along and away from each other that simply. I hope to god that for the things I have learned in this relationship I can find someone who is brave enough to see this life through with me. Someone who wants me that bad to kick in the afterburners and stay, and work for me, and with me, and love me and love with me. The only problem is, well it's cliche, and you won't believe me anyway, but this love is just not going to go away. I unfortunately for you and for me both in this situation will always love you, whether I should or not, whether I want to or not. A heart is not for keeping to oneself, it is for giving away. And as of now, you have the bulk of mine. And it will remain for you, underneath every guise and glamour I can devise to poison it and rid it of my soul. It will remain. That much I know to be truth. So I suppose I'll just have to learn to lie to myself over time in order to move on.
But please, know this now, if it comes down to it someday that I don't tell you I love you anymore-it does not mean that I don't. It only means I learned how to lie again to my very own heart.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Just In Case
If you are wondering how I feel about you in this moment, it remains the same.
I love you.
In mind, and body, and especially in spirit.
Parts of me, very dear and tender parts of me always will. And they may become calloused over in time, worn and ragged now though they seem. They will heal. It is the nature of this body to scar over, to fill in the holes left vacant with dead space.
Spaces reserved for you that will not feel fully again. Only phantom pangs, and muscle memory wired through habit and history, but they will remain. Living entities we birthed together tied to memories that I will not discard, or erase, or ever hope to replace even when another fills my heart with passion. I will carry you, this way- a scar upon my breast forever.
A wounded lonely sparrow, a rusted handcuff key, a whisper in the darkness.
You mean more than these shallow sub-dermal things to me. We had three and half years together, a nice long run...But clearly, the time has all spent now. And I was foolish, so very foolish, to think that this could be mine forever. Such things, my sweetness are just not meant to last. I know that now.
The death card I pulled yesterday looms on white horseback-nosing for the sting of sweetened apples in fields of fallow.
We have come to pass. I understand it, but I cannot fathom it fully.
Shock, you are a mercy.
Though the tears spill still, I know they will dry once the creek bed of my heart has run dry.
I am sorry. Sorry that I couldn't be enough for you, although I tried. My Gods I tried.
And the only things that are left to say are:
good luck,
and I'll miss you,
and I'm rooting for you,
where ever life takes you.
But for now...
at least...
this is goodnight and goodbye.
I love you.
In mind, and body, and especially in spirit.
Parts of me, very dear and tender parts of me always will. And they may become calloused over in time, worn and ragged now though they seem. They will heal. It is the nature of this body to scar over, to fill in the holes left vacant with dead space.
Spaces reserved for you that will not feel fully again. Only phantom pangs, and muscle memory wired through habit and history, but they will remain. Living entities we birthed together tied to memories that I will not discard, or erase, or ever hope to replace even when another fills my heart with passion. I will carry you, this way- a scar upon my breast forever.
A wounded lonely sparrow, a rusted handcuff key, a whisper in the darkness.
You mean more than these shallow sub-dermal things to me. We had three and half years together, a nice long run...But clearly, the time has all spent now. And I was foolish, so very foolish, to think that this could be mine forever. Such things, my sweetness are just not meant to last. I know that now.
The death card I pulled yesterday looms on white horseback-nosing for the sting of sweetened apples in fields of fallow.
We have come to pass. I understand it, but I cannot fathom it fully.
Shock, you are a mercy.
Though the tears spill still, I know they will dry once the creek bed of my heart has run dry.
I am sorry. Sorry that I couldn't be enough for you, although I tried. My Gods I tried.
And the only things that are left to say are:
good luck,
and I'll miss you,
and I'm rooting for you,
where ever life takes you.
But for now...
at least...
this is goodnight and goodbye.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
In the cards
Today you started a new chapter in the saga of your scholarly pursuits. I could not be prouder to be your partner in this moment. I always look forward to the new semesters ahead for you, because I know that through your growth and the things you learn, you teach others, including myself. I am trying not to be a bother to you, but the excitement of the classes you are now orienting yourself in, reconnecting with friends and professors, the opportunities for community service and academic excellence you have in store, are all on my mind as I went about my day. I hope you don't resent the attention. It is not meant to distract or annoy, but simply display my support of you in this life long pursuit of continued education. It is my deepest wish that you continue always to learn, because it brings you so much joy and for me, so much pride as your lover. I remain as always your steadfast cheerleading squad. Although, I am all too aware, you are completely capable of rising to the challenges each semester brings you all on your own. I just like you to know I applaud you in finding and following your passion.
Today I found myself centering more in the present. Discarding my recent fears as much as possible about the future, and letting myself become aware of all the good I have at present moment to focus on. I'm sorry that lately my fears have been coming up and causing some issues between us. I'm am sorry too that I realized today, I have had trouble listening and really hearing what you have had to say, because I have been allowing my personal fears to insulate my hearing bone. I spent some time last night after we spoke meditating on my key tattoo and reminding myself to be present to you and the words you say. Because so far, you have actually displayed your love for me time again, and also a desire to stay, at least in the present with me as your partner. I'm sorry I have been asking so much for additional attention and security. I've been rather emotional lately, I think the stress of my health issues, and the situation with my finances have been very troubling to me. I'm sorry that because of my issues, I have been distracting or difficult to deal with. I am working on that to change consciously. I'm starting my regular meditation routine again, and I'll be getting some medical testing done very soon to balance out those issues.
I don't expect answers in concrete, and I don't want to put undue pressure on you, me, or us. With that in mind, I asked my tarot cards for some guidance today, on how best to serve us both independently, and as a couple to retain the happiness between us that I always feel no matter the circumstances we find ourselves in. It was a really informative and grounding reading, so I was happy for that guidance, because ultimately, I am committed to our happiness and health. What it told me was to calm down. To stop looking for famine in the future and enjoy the feast before me. That these recent pockets of turbulence were passing away into the past, and before me lay you as you grow and change over the coming months through school and new possibilities opening up for both of us.
It was exactly the advice I needed. And paired with the recent lunar activity I found it quite insightful. We won't have as much time this weekend to spend together as we usually do, since I have to work all day Sunday on site in Pebble Beach. But this I see now as a kind of great easing into the semester for you. We can spend Friday and Saturday enjoying each other in the present and the happiness and closeness we share, and then on Sunday you can be home preparing for the school week ahead while I earn some extra cash I so desperately need.
I've done a lot of mental searching inwardly in the last 3 days, and discovered that what has been going on for me is a lot of stress compounding needless fears. I realize through my actions and attitude I may have been pushing you away. And for that, I am deeply regretful. But I did want to take the time to say thank you to you. Because even though we have had disagreements as of late that we both don't find fulfilling, you have stuck it out and communicated with me. You have, even when you may not have wanted to, stayed and displayed loyalty to your love for me by talking it out and then allowing us the mental and emotional space to be able to move on and have great experiences of bonding and happiness afterwards. I see this as growth for us, since before in the past, one or the other of us would have run away from the confrontation and isolated ourselves. Instead, now we try to break through to a healthier communication style, air things out between us, and then move back into a loving space. I am more aware now, after you speaking to me on Sunday about the way I need to deal with my own feelings, stress, fears, and communication style in the future between us to avoid undue hurt feelings and display the true love and respect I carry for you so deeply in my heart of hearts.
I won't be bothering you much about these things anymore, I find the letters I can write to you here allow me the time and space to be able to communicate calmly, and they allow you to get to them when you want. But I do hope, you are as excited as I am to enjoying the time we spend together, in happiness, and in more balanced ways. Please know that I adore you and I am always here, not going anywhere. I support you and I look forward to the time we can come together and share ourselves, our dreams, and our visions. In the meantime, grow baby, grow endlessly.
Always yours.
Today I found myself centering more in the present. Discarding my recent fears as much as possible about the future, and letting myself become aware of all the good I have at present moment to focus on. I'm sorry that lately my fears have been coming up and causing some issues between us. I'm am sorry too that I realized today, I have had trouble listening and really hearing what you have had to say, because I have been allowing my personal fears to insulate my hearing bone. I spent some time last night after we spoke meditating on my key tattoo and reminding myself to be present to you and the words you say. Because so far, you have actually displayed your love for me time again, and also a desire to stay, at least in the present with me as your partner. I'm sorry I have been asking so much for additional attention and security. I've been rather emotional lately, I think the stress of my health issues, and the situation with my finances have been very troubling to me. I'm sorry that because of my issues, I have been distracting or difficult to deal with. I am working on that to change consciously. I'm starting my regular meditation routine again, and I'll be getting some medical testing done very soon to balance out those issues.
I don't expect answers in concrete, and I don't want to put undue pressure on you, me, or us. With that in mind, I asked my tarot cards for some guidance today, on how best to serve us both independently, and as a couple to retain the happiness between us that I always feel no matter the circumstances we find ourselves in. It was a really informative and grounding reading, so I was happy for that guidance, because ultimately, I am committed to our happiness and health. What it told me was to calm down. To stop looking for famine in the future and enjoy the feast before me. That these recent pockets of turbulence were passing away into the past, and before me lay you as you grow and change over the coming months through school and new possibilities opening up for both of us.
It was exactly the advice I needed. And paired with the recent lunar activity I found it quite insightful. We won't have as much time this weekend to spend together as we usually do, since I have to work all day Sunday on site in Pebble Beach. But this I see now as a kind of great easing into the semester for you. We can spend Friday and Saturday enjoying each other in the present and the happiness and closeness we share, and then on Sunday you can be home preparing for the school week ahead while I earn some extra cash I so desperately need.
I've done a lot of mental searching inwardly in the last 3 days, and discovered that what has been going on for me is a lot of stress compounding needless fears. I realize through my actions and attitude I may have been pushing you away. And for that, I am deeply regretful. But I did want to take the time to say thank you to you. Because even though we have had disagreements as of late that we both don't find fulfilling, you have stuck it out and communicated with me. You have, even when you may not have wanted to, stayed and displayed loyalty to your love for me by talking it out and then allowing us the mental and emotional space to be able to move on and have great experiences of bonding and happiness afterwards. I see this as growth for us, since before in the past, one or the other of us would have run away from the confrontation and isolated ourselves. Instead, now we try to break through to a healthier communication style, air things out between us, and then move back into a loving space. I am more aware now, after you speaking to me on Sunday about the way I need to deal with my own feelings, stress, fears, and communication style in the future between us to avoid undue hurt feelings and display the true love and respect I carry for you so deeply in my heart of hearts.
I won't be bothering you much about these things anymore, I find the letters I can write to you here allow me the time and space to be able to communicate calmly, and they allow you to get to them when you want. But I do hope, you are as excited as I am to enjoying the time we spend together, in happiness, and in more balanced ways. Please know that I adore you and I am always here, not going anywhere. I support you and I look forward to the time we can come together and share ourselves, our dreams, and our visions. In the meantime, grow baby, grow endlessly.
Always yours.
Scrying
I know...I know there's no point in saying these things. But still, I want to grant you this window..this vantage point into my mind and my heart. I'm not gifted with foresight always, not in any way beyond what survival has taught me. But I have to tell you, I love you. And these words, I am all too certain really mean too little. They represent so many things, the meaning is often misconstrued. Are you aware, I often wonder, what I mean when I say that? It is something I have felt too lightly before meaning you. A meaningless phrase I was willing to give anyone to ensure they would stay. I have abandonment issues, I know this to be true.
But with you, I was careful. I was patient as I could be before disclosing this truth. Because even with our challenges, of age difference, of life circumstances, of viewpoint on the world, and differing passions, I knew- if I were to say this to you, you were the last person I WANTED to say this to for the rest of my life. To me, when I tell you I love you, something so simple and ordinary, it should represent all the extraordinary things I feel for and about you. And to that I remain, steadfast, loyal, unwavering. I love you, with all of my being. And I aware, after my many but still short years in this life-cycle that I COULD love again if you were to leave me, but not this way. Not the ways in which I love you. That alone is reason to stay, to grow with you, and also for myself.
I only find myself wondering these days if this remains truth for you. I have an obnoxious habit of letting my fears run-away train with themselves. To spiral from small things into hydras that seem almost insurmountable. It is for this reason I detest the phrase "don't become a self-fulfilling prophecy." And I try, I try so desperately to listen, to trust, to believe what you tell me in the present. To let that be my guide when my cynical nature takes hold and conflates little things, in a layer cake of doom before me bearing my name. I wish I could make more sense for you. I wish I could be more confident, the way you seem to be.
It is the worth of what I have with you that causes this fear. With you I can actually see growing old together, being more than just satisfied with my life, but actually happy. I know like you said tonight about other friends in newly single present tense, that I could find love again. I hope you understand what I mean when I say, I don't want to. You are my favorite ice cream flavor, rocky road. And I find myself saying, I could if it came down to it, find a liking for other flavors- butter pecan, or vanilla, or just plain chocolate. BUt why would I look any farther when I already have found my rocky road? A stupid metaphor, to be sure. And one not worthy of comparison to you, but still....Why would I look further, for something that was staring me eye to eye.
I only wonder if you still feel the same. This is the heart of me asking, over and over to tell me what you love about me, about being with me beyond simple answers. This is the heart of my search for something deeper between us. I fear, my sweet, I fear- that I am not enough for you. That I am not worthy, that time or distance will tear us apart. Please...I don't need guarantees. I am just wondering...do you still feel the same? Would you follow me to the end of your days? The way I would for you, gladly. A song in my heart and a warmth in my soul that would never fade.
But with you, I was careful. I was patient as I could be before disclosing this truth. Because even with our challenges, of age difference, of life circumstances, of viewpoint on the world, and differing passions, I knew- if I were to say this to you, you were the last person I WANTED to say this to for the rest of my life. To me, when I tell you I love you, something so simple and ordinary, it should represent all the extraordinary things I feel for and about you. And to that I remain, steadfast, loyal, unwavering. I love you, with all of my being. And I aware, after my many but still short years in this life-cycle that I COULD love again if you were to leave me, but not this way. Not the ways in which I love you. That alone is reason to stay, to grow with you, and also for myself.
I only find myself wondering these days if this remains truth for you. I have an obnoxious habit of letting my fears run-away train with themselves. To spiral from small things into hydras that seem almost insurmountable. It is for this reason I detest the phrase "don't become a self-fulfilling prophecy." And I try, I try so desperately to listen, to trust, to believe what you tell me in the present. To let that be my guide when my cynical nature takes hold and conflates little things, in a layer cake of doom before me bearing my name. I wish I could make more sense for you. I wish I could be more confident, the way you seem to be.
It is the worth of what I have with you that causes this fear. With you I can actually see growing old together, being more than just satisfied with my life, but actually happy. I know like you said tonight about other friends in newly single present tense, that I could find love again. I hope you understand what I mean when I say, I don't want to. You are my favorite ice cream flavor, rocky road. And I find myself saying, I could if it came down to it, find a liking for other flavors- butter pecan, or vanilla, or just plain chocolate. BUt why would I look any farther when I already have found my rocky road? A stupid metaphor, to be sure. And one not worthy of comparison to you, but still....Why would I look further, for something that was staring me eye to eye.
I only wonder if you still feel the same. This is the heart of me asking, over and over to tell me what you love about me, about being with me beyond simple answers. This is the heart of my search for something deeper between us. I fear, my sweet, I fear- that I am not enough for you. That I am not worthy, that time or distance will tear us apart. Please...I don't need guarantees. I am just wondering...do you still feel the same? Would you follow me to the end of your days? The way I would for you, gladly. A song in my heart and a warmth in my soul that would never fade.
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