I can feel it in my bones, this heavy sagging feeling; like they are filled with lead; like the blood in my veins is mercury, something deadly, but beautiful to watch. A poison has crept inside every my every pore destroying nearly all the humanity I had left. That poison is the circumstances of my life. Every trauma and disappointment has layered itself so thickly I can relate to the felling of suffocation that the canvasses of Jackson Pollock's paintings must have felt. Every splatter, every brush stroke like the lash of a hot single tail whip, brought down on virgin soft skin; splitting it open until it is only a maze of tingling scar tissue.
Give me a new name; I am your broken slave.
I walk about wide eyed, tracking for some beauty to hold onto, something to make me feel alive. But all I can see are the same muted colors, the volume dial is tuned down so low I barely recognize when someone is speaking to me anymore. Help me; I don't know what I've become. Half dead but still animated my soul can't even feel the rays of a full moon anymore, can't stand in the sunshine, its warmth is not enough to feel through this thickened skin. I can't sleep, and when it takes me in fits, I can't dream anymore. I rise exhausted and wonder what I woke up for. I go through the motions of my everyday life, brushing my teeth too hard just to feel the sensation of bleeding gums. I go for days without showering, without cleaning myself up, too angry to put on a "pretty face" any longer.
I need to feel again, to know I am alive and not some walking corpse. I need to recognize my own soul again when I look myself in the eye through a silver piece of glass. But it doesn't come in doses long enough to seem real. My reality is fractured and the stale recycled air in the file room I spend my days in, shuffling about doing the mundane and pointless tasks, drowns out even the sound of my inner voice. I live in the uncomfortable silence of muffled corporate phone calls and the static hum of fluorescent lights. I heave boxes from shelves and sort through files; slicing the thin skin on my fingers in invisible whispers they call paper cuts.
I hear voices in the back of my head, but they aren't "mine."
They talk about leaving, just walking out, getting in my car and driving away. They talk about how I only really feel alive anymore when I'm doing something destructive. When I'm close to death, I can feel m heart beating in my chest. But even death is a plaything I've grown tired of. I've been there so many times already, not even the promise of that empty black void holds any allure to me. It wouldn't be so different than how I feel now. There is ink on my hands as I write this, I push it around to make sure it real, that I still have hands to stain, and it spreads in feathered streaks-looking like little green comets smudging against a pale pink sky.
How do I feel again?
Someone show me something that is real and beautiful, something I can understand; because this place isn't real and it robs pieces of me everyday.
Packed into all the tiny cracks between the endless boxes and the thin spaces of air between each file is the sight of my coffin. It is killing me off and I stare it right in the face, shoulders sagging.
Come on then, do your worst, there's not much left to take from me anymore. And as numb as I am, I am awash with emotions every moment. Intense but so fleeting, the emotion only has time to register, and then it is gone. Except the anger, the anger is always with me, just beneath the surface, it begs for any excuse to explode. The rage and the void are so strong they must be the same, like conjoined twins, only they speak from the same mouth. As soon as I feel, any scrap of happiness or warmth, love or beauty, hope or laughter, it is smothered by a wet blanket made of woven concrete and steel. My heart is trapped in quicksand inside my chest, drawing itself deeper into the thickness of wet sand with every pulsing beat.
Stop, someone throw me a line, I want to get back but I'm afraid of the sound of next shoe dropping; the next lame denial, the next heartbreak, the next flicker of hope tamped out by the harsh realities of this world. Keep me locked away in a frozen state.
And my thoughts turn to you. Fuck you. For showing up here when I was finally comfortable not feeling anything at all. You brought those emotions to the surface with just your words; just your beautiful and inspiring words that haunt me, reminding me of what it is to feel again. Fuck you. For being so grotesques and so gorgeous in the same instant. Fuck you. For being optimistic, for being godless and still having faith. You incense me, but only because I know no matter how cold and calloused I've become, I welcome the destruction you will leave in your wake. Go on; break what's left of my heart, such a tiny silver it hardly matters. Like the rest, I know, you are not meant for me.
But I, I am meant to give you something.
That much has been made clear, I am meant to give you something we can't begin to imagine fully yet. You are right. I have so much to teach you, I will try to make the lessons brief; maybe not for my safety but yours. You were right; there was never any caution to throw to the wind. I am through with being practical and responsible. I want to be impulsive and irrational. I want to show you the life that is inside you so I can believe that there is still at least one soul left on this planet that is real. I want to give you the last shreds of the strength I have cultivated through all these years, so you can make it before I extinguish.
You told me I am a flame that cannot burn and like that horribly beautiful candle in the velveteen rabbit, burning so brightly, I want to knock myself off the fucking table. I want to whisper to that last spark you are trying to fan to life: "Fuck you, go OUT." Because as much as I need to feel what you put inside me I need to numb it out before it kills me. I need to leave you with beauty, strip you of all the ugliness that surrounds you, and take it back into the shadows, away from the sunlight and the moonlight and the painful radiant stars.
I need to do this because it is the last thing I have left.
And I know as much as I fight to quell the variety of emotions you stir within me, I will succumb to every last one, and like he said, in the end it will be tragic and sublime. Exactly what I shouldn't do and everything I need to at the same time. Because even with the promise of the new life I am so desperately trying to build from the smoking rubble of my own ground zero, I am not capable of believing I can transcend this place. So please, excuse the indifference I treat you with, the harsh words and the truths you have been trying to lock away inside you that I drag out and sift through. I do not mean to be a bastard; it is just what the world has made me.
Give me your wetness so I can feel it on my skin, my lips. Give me your teeth so I can know there is something left to bruise.
Give me your tender fragile soul so that I can place a thorn on each limb to protect each budding rose of talent and faith and optimism you have so that only the right, tender gloved hands can harvest them and arrange them beautifully. Those hands do not belong to another, they belong to you alone. And, those are your petals to trace along the body of another, whoever it is that you choose. And, so help me, I will be curious who it is in the end, and I will be furious it could not be me.
I will be here, where I always am, stalking them just outside the light of your happiness; waiting for them to fuck up just once so I can drag them into the darkness and suffocate them for trying to stop you from ever experiencing anything besides beauty and bliss.
I will be here; a frozen block of glacial ice, floating in your waters, until you melt me down and there is nothing left of me but the swirling whirlwind of an angry defiant current.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Bound
Jul. 27th, 2008 at 9:13 PM
It is hard to type this way, bound by your Smith & Weston Steel love. I suppose I should have behaved, that I deserve the faint cold pinch of these shackles. My misdeeds have earned me another hour in your irons. Unrelenting, no safety release. I am bound to your will and so I will remain until you see fit to set me free. Shall I share with you a secret, its revelation as much my torment and my ultimate pleasure to admit it? I would pray in vain that I never be released from your clutches. And always remain, your most willing slave.
Music:Phase - Incubus
It is hard to type this way, bound by your Smith & Weston Steel love. I suppose I should have behaved, that I deserve the faint cold pinch of these shackles. My misdeeds have earned me another hour in your irons. Unrelenting, no safety release. I am bound to your will and so I will remain until you see fit to set me free. Shall I share with you a secret, its revelation as much my torment and my ultimate pleasure to admit it? I would pray in vain that I never be released from your clutches. And always remain, your most willing slave.
Music:Phase - Incubus
Bracing
Jul. 23rd, 2008 at 10:13 PM
It's come to this, I've sealed my heart to yours. I can't imagine how boring, trivial, and uninspiring my life would be like without you in it now. I can't return to how I used to feel: numb and exsanguinated, when you make me feel a rush of life with each and every kiss; with your lips so close to mine, my breath melding with yours, the sweetest perfume carried with it into the depths of my soul. I have never been kissed so fiercely, so deeply, and so passionately as when you are kissing me. I can tell you now, that is your signature checkmate, your kiss, second only to your smile. That same smile that curls back your delicate lips around teeth that try in vain to mirror the glimmer of pure joy in your eyes. Chocolate and mint, my favorite flavors mixing in a heady way, your gaze knocks me to the floor faster than tequila on an empty stomach. Funny that this spinning floating feeling you give me doesn't disorient me the same way though. I feel happy, at home, like there is no where I'd rather be than in your arms, my fingers twisting through your tangled curls. Those curls who dance across my body whenever you bend your rose colored lips to my pallid skin. They're animate, like thousands of delicate fingers, following the curves and bends of your head, tickling in a strangely luxurious way. I want to bottle the scent of your curls and muzzle myself with it the day long. That comforting nostalgic smell that speeds me to another time and place. Like a secret island only the two of us know how to find. The treasure map, charted out in skipped heartbeats and stifled gasps. You're far too astute to miss out on the signals I am sending, however subtle or obvious. I can't help but want to say it, with every heart beat, with every breath, with every eye blink: I love you. So it has indeed, come to this, you've opened the floodgates and like a roaring river I am overflowing with the emotion you raise within me. It is flooding the landscape all around me, dragging the ordinary pedestrian things of life into it's violent currents. Cars, mailboxes, cats on floating wooden boards, half empty tin cans all taking on the brilliant colors of what your love has done to me. I should be running for high ground. I should be sand bagging my house and setting up the sump pump in my basement. I should be readying the wet vac for the impending destruction it will leave in its wake when the flood a baits and leaves a high water mark on all I own. A high water mark indeed, one that will never be paralleled the same way in this lifetime. But I'm not running anymore. I'm through sand bagging, I just rip their stubborn plastic weave of faux burlap open with bleeding fingers and dump the sand around my heart, making that island a real place I can carry with me. An island only you know how to find, with the scent of your curls waving in the breeze and carried offshore. And instead of fighting back the burgeoning tides with the help of mechanical vampires, I open my doors wide to the flood, strip off my armor of inhibitions and decide to slip into that current. I will swim, perhaps until I drown, but I will swim and flow with the rapids your love supplies me with. And if I should ever feel like I'm loosing air, like I'm close to succumbing to a watery grave at the hands of these currents, I will steal a breath with one exhilarant kiss and swim on.
Music:Sunday Morning - Lily Allen
It's come to this, I've sealed my heart to yours. I can't imagine how boring, trivial, and uninspiring my life would be like without you in it now. I can't return to how I used to feel: numb and exsanguinated, when you make me feel a rush of life with each and every kiss; with your lips so close to mine, my breath melding with yours, the sweetest perfume carried with it into the depths of my soul. I have never been kissed so fiercely, so deeply, and so passionately as when you are kissing me. I can tell you now, that is your signature checkmate, your kiss, second only to your smile. That same smile that curls back your delicate lips around teeth that try in vain to mirror the glimmer of pure joy in your eyes. Chocolate and mint, my favorite flavors mixing in a heady way, your gaze knocks me to the floor faster than tequila on an empty stomach. Funny that this spinning floating feeling you give me doesn't disorient me the same way though. I feel happy, at home, like there is no where I'd rather be than in your arms, my fingers twisting through your tangled curls. Those curls who dance across my body whenever you bend your rose colored lips to my pallid skin. They're animate, like thousands of delicate fingers, following the curves and bends of your head, tickling in a strangely luxurious way. I want to bottle the scent of your curls and muzzle myself with it the day long. That comforting nostalgic smell that speeds me to another time and place. Like a secret island only the two of us know how to find. The treasure map, charted out in skipped heartbeats and stifled gasps. You're far too astute to miss out on the signals I am sending, however subtle or obvious. I can't help but want to say it, with every heart beat, with every breath, with every eye blink: I love you. So it has indeed, come to this, you've opened the floodgates and like a roaring river I am overflowing with the emotion you raise within me. It is flooding the landscape all around me, dragging the ordinary pedestrian things of life into it's violent currents. Cars, mailboxes, cats on floating wooden boards, half empty tin cans all taking on the brilliant colors of what your love has done to me. I should be running for high ground. I should be sand bagging my house and setting up the sump pump in my basement. I should be readying the wet vac for the impending destruction it will leave in its wake when the flood a baits and leaves a high water mark on all I own. A high water mark indeed, one that will never be paralleled the same way in this lifetime. But I'm not running anymore. I'm through sand bagging, I just rip their stubborn plastic weave of faux burlap open with bleeding fingers and dump the sand around my heart, making that island a real place I can carry with me. An island only you know how to find, with the scent of your curls waving in the breeze and carried offshore. And instead of fighting back the burgeoning tides with the help of mechanical vampires, I open my doors wide to the flood, strip off my armor of inhibitions and decide to slip into that current. I will swim, perhaps until I drown, but I will swim and flow with the rapids your love supplies me with. And if I should ever feel like I'm loosing air, like I'm close to succumbing to a watery grave at the hands of these currents, I will steal a breath with one exhilarant kiss and swim on.
Music:Sunday Morning - Lily Allen
Ellipses
Jul. 22nd, 2008 at 2:02 AM
I'm tired baby. I'm so tired. Of everything, of life. I want to dare to dream to make my life far greater than I ever could have imagined. I want to make it a thing of unspeakable beauty with my eyes wide open and my feet on the ground for once. I want you there with me but for the whole wide world, I feel like it is tearing us apart. I look at you and I want to see my life reflected in your eyes. But time, my sweet love, is stealing me from you. Time and circumstance are just a they always have been for me: unfortunate. I wish I had met you when you were older. I don't know why my brain wants to distill it down to that but it does. We have our whole lives ahead of us and yet I feel the slow march of time carrying me away from you; my heart, my truest companion, my love. How can I put this in just mere words? How can I soften the blows when they rail against my own heart so blindingly? You, you are truly the one made of riches between us both. You are a rare fresh-water pearl and I want to be your oyster. To offer you comfort and softness and safety in my embrace. To show the world what a rare jewel you are at every moment. You, a young wisp of a woman who captured my foolish heart, who has changed my life irrevocably forever. I couldn't truly look upon you with a disapproving eye for more than a scant second really. I wish you would know my heart the way I do. I wish I could be less honest with you and spare you the pain. I wish I didn't feel compelled to ware you, to be the alarm endlessly sounding in your ears. You are right, whatever I could visit upon you, I know you are visiting much wore upon yourself. I suppose *that* is the very heart of the matter. When I met you, you were as beautiful as you have always been, as poised, as lovely and as breath-taking as ever. I imagine I react to you the same way that a sculptor does when they see the painfully beautiful raw form of untouched marble. In vain, I want to give you the form I see locked away inside this maze of stone. To free you from its concrete confines and give you movement, grae, and the deafening beauty you have sheltered deep within yourself. I should have known from the start what I know all too well now. You are the marble and the sculptor. You alone will be the one to carve yourself out and flesh out that is to become of your beauty. I'm so deeply sorry I can't/I couldn't understand that sooner. I am sorry if my attempts to free and fortify you have left you feeling weak and brittle at my hands. I adore you. I worship your essence with every breath, even if it seems the contrary, I promise you it is the truth. I can't do you any good, that is the lesson I must learn to live with, suffering for it in earnest. I have ruined what I set out to do, unknowingly, to love you as you are. Please forgive me. I hope you find what you deserve because I know it's not this. You taught me what it was to truly love someone: it is to accept them as they are, without prejudice or bias. My heart breaks a thousand times over to imagine my life without you in it for a moment, but I know the best gift I can give you now, is to give your freedom back to you. Because I can't imagine how you would ever be happy with me when I can't love you without treating you like this. I don't want to give up on you, on us. But I feel compelled to for your own safety and sanity. I won't make you a slave to my whims anymore. The choice is as it has always been, yours and yours alone. I love you, Sasha. I love you enough to remove my harmful influence from your life if that would grant you the promise of true happiness. Even if that means I'll suffer forever because of it. No one can take you place, no one every will. I"m sorry I entered your life and filled it with so much ugliness in only four months. I wish I could have given you the soft caress my love held in earlier years, instead, I have tried to give you the only thing I have/had left: my Strength. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I ever sought to change you, to make you better, to re-envision you in any way I have. I'm a coward, I suppose, to afraid to let time take its course. I have to cast me from you like a stone because I can see now, I'm the biggest danger to you. I'm far more of a threat to you than any of the things I try to caution you against. I'm sorry all I could ever be was miserable and denigrating. I am sorry for being a relentless, perfectionist, a tyrant, and an insensitive brute with your soul. I'm sorry that is the only and best way I know how to love you. I'm sorry you met me, but I'll never be sorry for meeting you. No one will rival your brilliance, your charisma, or your beautiful soul. I'm sorry for being hollow and cheap with you I wish I could be netter but I don't know how. I love you, that's all I can do and that's not good enough.
Music:As Long As Your Mine - Wicked
I'm tired baby. I'm so tired. Of everything, of life. I want to dare to dream to make my life far greater than I ever could have imagined. I want to make it a thing of unspeakable beauty with my eyes wide open and my feet on the ground for once. I want you there with me but for the whole wide world, I feel like it is tearing us apart. I look at you and I want to see my life reflected in your eyes. But time, my sweet love, is stealing me from you. Time and circumstance are just a they always have been for me: unfortunate. I wish I had met you when you were older. I don't know why my brain wants to distill it down to that but it does. We have our whole lives ahead of us and yet I feel the slow march of time carrying me away from you; my heart, my truest companion, my love. How can I put this in just mere words? How can I soften the blows when they rail against my own heart so blindingly? You, you are truly the one made of riches between us both. You are a rare fresh-water pearl and I want to be your oyster. To offer you comfort and softness and safety in my embrace. To show the world what a rare jewel you are at every moment. You, a young wisp of a woman who captured my foolish heart, who has changed my life irrevocably forever. I couldn't truly look upon you with a disapproving eye for more than a scant second really. I wish you would know my heart the way I do. I wish I could be less honest with you and spare you the pain. I wish I didn't feel compelled to ware you, to be the alarm endlessly sounding in your ears. You are right, whatever I could visit upon you, I know you are visiting much wore upon yourself. I suppose *that* is the very heart of the matter. When I met you, you were as beautiful as you have always been, as poised, as lovely and as breath-taking as ever. I imagine I react to you the same way that a sculptor does when they see the painfully beautiful raw form of untouched marble. In vain, I want to give you the form I see locked away inside this maze of stone. To free you from its concrete confines and give you movement, grae, and the deafening beauty you have sheltered deep within yourself. I should have known from the start what I know all too well now. You are the marble and the sculptor. You alone will be the one to carve yourself out and flesh out that is to become of your beauty. I'm so deeply sorry I can't/I couldn't understand that sooner. I am sorry if my attempts to free and fortify you have left you feeling weak and brittle at my hands. I adore you. I worship your essence with every breath, even if it seems the contrary, I promise you it is the truth. I can't do you any good, that is the lesson I must learn to live with, suffering for it in earnest. I have ruined what I set out to do, unknowingly, to love you as you are. Please forgive me. I hope you find what you deserve because I know it's not this. You taught me what it was to truly love someone: it is to accept them as they are, without prejudice or bias. My heart breaks a thousand times over to imagine my life without you in it for a moment, but I know the best gift I can give you now, is to give your freedom back to you. Because I can't imagine how you would ever be happy with me when I can't love you without treating you like this. I don't want to give up on you, on us. But I feel compelled to for your own safety and sanity. I won't make you a slave to my whims anymore. The choice is as it has always been, yours and yours alone. I love you, Sasha. I love you enough to remove my harmful influence from your life if that would grant you the promise of true happiness. Even if that means I'll suffer forever because of it. No one can take you place, no one every will. I"m sorry I entered your life and filled it with so much ugliness in only four months. I wish I could have given you the soft caress my love held in earlier years, instead, I have tried to give you the only thing I have/had left: my Strength. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I ever sought to change you, to make you better, to re-envision you in any way I have. I'm a coward, I suppose, to afraid to let time take its course. I have to cast me from you like a stone because I can see now, I'm the biggest danger to you. I'm far more of a threat to you than any of the things I try to caution you against. I'm sorry all I could ever be was miserable and denigrating. I am sorry for being a relentless, perfectionist, a tyrant, and an insensitive brute with your soul. I'm sorry that is the only and best way I know how to love you. I'm sorry you met me, but I'll never be sorry for meeting you. No one will rival your brilliance, your charisma, or your beautiful soul. I'm sorry for being hollow and cheap with you I wish I could be netter but I don't know how. I love you, that's all I can do and that's not good enough.
Music:As Long As Your Mine - Wicked
Your Villianess
Jul. 21st, 2008 at 11:27 PM
I can't say why it is exactly that I should always end up the villain in this game of chance. Why it is that if I expect, or encourage, or refuse mediocrity it makes me hard. Should I be soft then? And let it all just waste away? Should I stand idly by and allow life to become a mockery of the lessons it teaches us? I suppose it's better not to learn these lessons, but to keep making them repeatedly, endlessly suffering when a little change would have done a great deal of good. How quaint, how curious that soon the best of all champions turns into the chorus of disapproval. I suppose it would be safer to be nice for nice's sake and not invite their scrutiny. But the bottom line is, I am not seeking their approval, and their opinion really matters little to me in the grand scheme of things. Especially those who have enabled, who have sheltered and coddled these elements to come to their full fruit, who would threaten to tempt it further. They may be content with complacency, with shows of little effort and ill gains, of backslide that threatens foundation, much the same way mudslides threaten hillside homes. But I have seen too much to play the dumb ignorant. And I have seen too much in you not to be hard. I have seen to much in you than to give over to soft and let you slide away, all my treasures and hopes sliding with you into canyons below to always be lost. So let it be said that I was in fact, "too hard." Let it be said that I wasn't ever satisfied when there wasn't active improvement on some front. Let it be said that I was "no good for you." I'll play out my checkmate and see what the presence of that voice, that demanding voice, always encouraging you to reach your best and then surpass it will end up at. We'll see whether it was too hard when it's no longer sounding in your ears, and you're left with a chorus of soft flutes unable to carry your tune. I know the best course of action has been run as far as I can run it. I know there are only two paths open to me now. I can move forward and see if that is the direction you will take yourself. Or I can stay frozen, waiting for baby birds to fly from nests that are sheltered in heights they are afraid of. Heights that on some level, some would be content to keep them in forever. I am taking flight sweet bird, I won't call your doorstep my birdhouse for much longer. I needed a safe place to mend my own broken wings, to recalculate what I had lost, and learned in my fall. And you provided me that, for that I thank you. You gave me reason to believe in the sweet but fierce swallow that flies over my heart again, and for that I thank you. You gave me inspiration, and guidance, and conspired to ignite within me all things that will lead to my greatness manifest. You restored my judgment, my insight, my perseverance, and above all: my Faith. You gave me your heart and with it, I gave you mine; the most precious gift of all I will treasure, regardless of what time deals us hence. Cherish you, adore you, and push you I must. I don't know any other way to be, especially with something so gorgeous as yourself. Ask a jeweler why they use the tools they do to cut diamonds. It may seem like a cruel trick of fate that to make the rare stone sparkle unabashedly they should have to cut it apart. But even the jeweler will tell you, of tougher stuff, there is nothing more precious, rare, and beautiful made. An honor then, it must be to them to cut away the imperfections, to smooth down the rough hewn edges, revealing only the most excellent specimen was hidden in something that once appeared ordinary, crude, or even like it should have been left as it was at the hands of others. But the wild winds of change are calling to me, and the wings of destiny flap violently in my ears. I believe that now, there is no going back, and there is only this wall of wind to sail on in front of me. I will take that leap into the wind sweet bird and fly higher now than I ever did before because of you. But, will you follow? Or will you stay where I have found you, perched in your nest even as winter threatens to freeze your claws to the place you once called safe, a place you once called home? A place where there is no wind, and only perilous heights for flightless birds. Perhaps I am too hard then, so let me be your eagle, and you ever my swallow. I would have liked to fly these soaring winds with you at my side, but hen pecks from clever birds who would "know better" have driven me the last time from your nest. I am away with the whirlwinds sweet bird. I pray I'll hear your sweet song again, never dampened by a deafening chorus of placation. Your finest arias I will strain to hear as I build a new nest somewhere obscenely high, on the free born wind, some vista that will show you endless beauty, somewhere hard and marvelous. I will build that nest large and hope for your return, hope that you will have learned enough to follow where your destiny might lead you, away from the safety of softness and home to the arms of tender hard wrought admiration.
Music:For Good - Wicked
I can't say why it is exactly that I should always end up the villain in this game of chance. Why it is that if I expect, or encourage, or refuse mediocrity it makes me hard. Should I be soft then? And let it all just waste away? Should I stand idly by and allow life to become a mockery of the lessons it teaches us? I suppose it's better not to learn these lessons, but to keep making them repeatedly, endlessly suffering when a little change would have done a great deal of good. How quaint, how curious that soon the best of all champions turns into the chorus of disapproval. I suppose it would be safer to be nice for nice's sake and not invite their scrutiny. But the bottom line is, I am not seeking their approval, and their opinion really matters little to me in the grand scheme of things. Especially those who have enabled, who have sheltered and coddled these elements to come to their full fruit, who would threaten to tempt it further. They may be content with complacency, with shows of little effort and ill gains, of backslide that threatens foundation, much the same way mudslides threaten hillside homes. But I have seen too much to play the dumb ignorant. And I have seen too much in you not to be hard. I have seen to much in you than to give over to soft and let you slide away, all my treasures and hopes sliding with you into canyons below to always be lost. So let it be said that I was in fact, "too hard." Let it be said that I wasn't ever satisfied when there wasn't active improvement on some front. Let it be said that I was "no good for you." I'll play out my checkmate and see what the presence of that voice, that demanding voice, always encouraging you to reach your best and then surpass it will end up at. We'll see whether it was too hard when it's no longer sounding in your ears, and you're left with a chorus of soft flutes unable to carry your tune. I know the best course of action has been run as far as I can run it. I know there are only two paths open to me now. I can move forward and see if that is the direction you will take yourself. Or I can stay frozen, waiting for baby birds to fly from nests that are sheltered in heights they are afraid of. Heights that on some level, some would be content to keep them in forever. I am taking flight sweet bird, I won't call your doorstep my birdhouse for much longer. I needed a safe place to mend my own broken wings, to recalculate what I had lost, and learned in my fall. And you provided me that, for that I thank you. You gave me reason to believe in the sweet but fierce swallow that flies over my heart again, and for that I thank you. You gave me inspiration, and guidance, and conspired to ignite within me all things that will lead to my greatness manifest. You restored my judgment, my insight, my perseverance, and above all: my Faith. You gave me your heart and with it, I gave you mine; the most precious gift of all I will treasure, regardless of what time deals us hence. Cherish you, adore you, and push you I must. I don't know any other way to be, especially with something so gorgeous as yourself. Ask a jeweler why they use the tools they do to cut diamonds. It may seem like a cruel trick of fate that to make the rare stone sparkle unabashedly they should have to cut it apart. But even the jeweler will tell you, of tougher stuff, there is nothing more precious, rare, and beautiful made. An honor then, it must be to them to cut away the imperfections, to smooth down the rough hewn edges, revealing only the most excellent specimen was hidden in something that once appeared ordinary, crude, or even like it should have been left as it was at the hands of others. But the wild winds of change are calling to me, and the wings of destiny flap violently in my ears. I believe that now, there is no going back, and there is only this wall of wind to sail on in front of me. I will take that leap into the wind sweet bird and fly higher now than I ever did before because of you. But, will you follow? Or will you stay where I have found you, perched in your nest even as winter threatens to freeze your claws to the place you once called safe, a place you once called home? A place where there is no wind, and only perilous heights for flightless birds. Perhaps I am too hard then, so let me be your eagle, and you ever my swallow. I would have liked to fly these soaring winds with you at my side, but hen pecks from clever birds who would "know better" have driven me the last time from your nest. I am away with the whirlwinds sweet bird. I pray I'll hear your sweet song again, never dampened by a deafening chorus of placation. Your finest arias I will strain to hear as I build a new nest somewhere obscenely high, on the free born wind, some vista that will show you endless beauty, somewhere hard and marvelous. I will build that nest large and hope for your return, hope that you will have learned enough to follow where your destiny might lead you, away from the safety of softness and home to the arms of tender hard wrought admiration.
Music:For Good - Wicked
July 17th, 2008
2:37 AM
My cherished mind,
How my soul cries out for you tonight. But it is not your counsel I can seek in this matter. Not directly at least. The reason I will give you presently: I saw what was written. I read what was said. All of it. All that passed before you, between you, every nuance in every word. Every heartbreak, every new love, every curse and sigh the same. And I was so many things at once it was hard to understand where one ended and the other took up its proper course. I suppose you could describe it the way that water follows gravity, that it finds its own direction and then flows...hopefully all rivers meeting at the same destination, the vast and un-chartable ocean. I spun first in silent eddies of jealously. But that's to be well expected of me by now, is it not? Then passing through them, rip tides of anger, my heart beat a terrible fast rhythm at the injustices I saw scrawled there and SO many that were left unwritten but took up their vacancies in my mind. "Facts" that sealed the unspoken fate that remained transcribed by many clever tongues and sharper minds. Then the tender words, the tokens, the passions there that I discovered; the dreams however common and mutual struck something in me, something I dare not name. I am in a word, disgraced to you. You probably did not intend to grant me access to all that abundant food for thought. But know, my cherished mind. I wept tonight, and none were tears of joy.
Por siempre el suyo,
un fantasma.
Music:Starlight - Muse
My cherished mind,
How my soul cries out for you tonight. But it is not your counsel I can seek in this matter. Not directly at least. The reason I will give you presently: I saw what was written. I read what was said. All of it. All that passed before you, between you, every nuance in every word. Every heartbreak, every new love, every curse and sigh the same. And I was so many things at once it was hard to understand where one ended and the other took up its proper course. I suppose you could describe it the way that water follows gravity, that it finds its own direction and then flows...hopefully all rivers meeting at the same destination, the vast and un-chartable ocean. I spun first in silent eddies of jealously. But that's to be well expected of me by now, is it not? Then passing through them, rip tides of anger, my heart beat a terrible fast rhythm at the injustices I saw scrawled there and SO many that were left unwritten but took up their vacancies in my mind. "Facts" that sealed the unspoken fate that remained transcribed by many clever tongues and sharper minds. Then the tender words, the tokens, the passions there that I discovered; the dreams however common and mutual struck something in me, something I dare not name. I am in a word, disgraced to you. You probably did not intend to grant me access to all that abundant food for thought. But know, my cherished mind. I wept tonight, and none were tears of joy.
Por siempre el suyo,
un fantasma.
Music:Starlight - Muse
Half Pipe Dreams
Jul. 11th, 2008 at 1:03 AM
Someday, someday...The heat of the day was muggy. Humid air clung to every pore, seemingly suffocating us in the weight of it. An intense fog of hot still air surrounded us that added moisture to our skin in the form of slow trailing ribbons of sweat. We sat in the sunshine, absorbing the glow you donned in slightly baggy jeans and me in long shorts. Your dark denim was set off by a studded belt threaded around wide but toned hips. In the heat your tight led zeppelin shirt clung to you and you had thrown your beanie to the side of us, landing it perfectly on the handlebars of your bike when you pitched it. In the wet heat, your short curls hung heavy and stuck to your jaw line, scattering in frizzled ends from the heat along the nape of your neck, just past your skull. You had kept your vans on, but had remarked earlier that it was hot enough for them to melt on the asphalt if your feet weren’t sweating enough inside the thick walls to create puddles that put the stopped the melting. I had laughed at your ridiculous suggestion, collapsing on the curb near the half pipe after vaulting off my bike and letting it topple on its side. Unable to move, we sat sprawled out against the curb of an abandoned skate park, legs spread we took up more space than we needed. Just two unassuming bois and their bikes in the skate park at nearly 2:00 o’clock. I was sticking to every surface and my clothing clung to me uncomfortably. Every piece was like a wet blanket thrown on me from my black and grey plaid converse and thick socks, to my deep moss green shorts, and my white wife beater hugged every inch of skin with it’s ribboned surface becoming sheer where my sweat pooled. The sun glinted off the spokes of our tires and cast a glare into my light green eyes. Squinting at the glare I turned my head and it lolled to the side, causing the sun to catch in my straight blonde shag. Heavy lidded from the heat of the day, I opened my eyes slowly, and took in the sight of you sunbathing beside me. Laid out on your back your eyes were closed and sweat sprinkled on your calm un-furrowed brow. Your skin had grown from a light pink in the winter to a deep olive tan in the summer’s sun. And the muscles in your arms and legs showed the hard work you had been doing in extra work outs and mastering your tricks in the park after work. You were a maze of flats and curves all hidden exceedingly well in the androgynous stance you sported. People still knew enough by your abundant curves to know you were indeed a girl, but what kind of girl looked more like a boy than a girl? My kind of girl, the kind of girl that fucked me raged in the ass after sucking my own dick dry, and then let me clean up her cunt with my tongue when it was all over. Just thinking about the way you fucked me the night before was making more than my back drip from the heat. My eyes wandered further down from your ample chest, past your smooth but rounded belly, to your thighs and down to bulge at their center. The sunlight glared off your belt and sent my eyes scattering down your legs to your vans, the ones you let me paint up for you like the Gates of Hell. But the bulge in your pants is impressive to draw my eyes back to it, and I felt my own stirring in my shorts as my fingers twitched in reflex. The newfound rush of heat in my body not brought on by the effects of the brilliant sun above us but by the promise of what your bulge meant, caused me to roll over easily onto my side. I stopped and stared down at you, propping myself on my elbow close to you, hovering near your shoulder. With my free arm I reached out and rested my hand above your knee on the inside of your thigh, kneading it slightly in my greedy palm. Your eyes still closed, and lips still donning that mona lisa smile, I saw a single eyebrow raise curiously. Your sliver of a smile grew into more of a knowing smirk as my hand slide upwards massaging your thigh, grazing your cock in your pants and feeling the heat and sweat making the denim cling to you. Eyebrow still raised you opened one eye to cast me a sideways glance paired with your devilish smirk, “And what do you think you’re doing mister?” you teased me. You knew I wasn’t ordinarily one for public sex. Especially not in a place this public and in broad daylight no less. “What do you think I’m doing?” I whispered above you as my finger tips traced the outline of your cock dragging against the edges of it, defining it further in your damp jeans. “I think the heat has gotten to you,” you said breaking our eye contact to move your chocolate and mint eyes to the ministrations of my fingers further south. The glare from your belt was too strong for me to look down with you, but I knew from your vantage point that the glare wasn’t going to stop the show unfolding before your eyes. This made me re-double my efforts to drive you crazy, I wanted what was buried in your denim and boxers first in my hand, then sinking between my lips, and then driving into my ass, and I wanted it: now. I stroked your cock, pressing it into your cunt, driving the base of it in an incessant rhythm of ebbing and flowing nudges against your hardening clit. My hand curled in an unrelenting fist around your thickness and pumped up and down your shaft, curling my thumb around the head of your cock before driving my hand down to the base of it, twisting my hand as it went. Slowly but steadily I hand fucked your cock, feeling your hips start to rise to meet it. All the while, I watched your face, your eyes cast downwards and your eyebrows intermittently knitting together and relaxing with the efforts of your hips movements. I slowed momentarily, gripping your cock in a vice like grip I knew you could feel, pulsing and timing it so that I knew it would mimic the sensation of penetrating me in any number of the orifices I would have gladly handed over to you at that moment without thought. At that moment your eyes rejoined my gaze and your eyes shining with lust and understanding sent a bolt of pure electricity to my nexus. We exploded onto each other an instant later in ferocity reserved for animals in the wild. Lips crushed each others, trapping them between teeth and forcing our mouths open with suction. Our tongues lashed at each others, curling around the other inside our mouths in a passionate tug of war. We came out of the kiss gasping for air only to plunge deeper into it, my hand rooted firmly to the base of your cock, urging you on through your deepening thrusts. My fingers tangled in the curls at the base of your skull and tensed slightly, just the way I know you like as you moaned into our kiss. I stood violently, dragging you up by your hair and my unyielding grasp around your cock. You moved with me, slightly staggering back from the force of my kiss intensified. I slid my hand down your back, dragging my nails down your back until I reached the small of it, then slid my hand around your hips to support you and keep us from tumbling down to the asphalt again. “Stand up,” I growled against your ear; trapping the velvet skin of your tender earlobe in my teeth, I grazed along the pathways of the folds of your ear with the tip of my tongue. Breathing noisily into your ear I ran my tongue in a flat agonizingly slow trail up the backside of your ear where it met your skull. You tasted like heat and salt and I could smell your obvious arousal muffled through your clothing. I felt your knees buckle and your hips shudder in my embrace. “I want to suck your cock,” I rasped into your ear still sliding my hand up and down its length. “I need something to stand against,” you panted, moving to undo your belt. “Stop,” I said, full of the need to liberate you myself. I looked around for a moment, disoriented by the blinding light and my desire for you. Then I saw it, the perfect place for our torrid affairs. The half pipe, shimmering in the heat of the sun,waxed edges would ensure the splinters would be worn down and offer us some cover in case anyone came upon us in the deserted skate park. Snarling in a dangerous smile I walked you back roughly, grabbing your jaw with my free hand in an effort to keep the surprise to myself. Our faces lingered close to each others, our eyes scanning each other’s faces and the emotions painted across them: lust, need, love, desire, and above all passion. Just before slamming your back up against the half pipe I sneered down at you and claimed you in another violent kiss. Reaching up with one hand you grabbed a hold of the half pipe above you as I slid down your body, dragging my breasts down yours and over the front of your body. I knew you could feel my cock pressing into you as well as I slid down you, as hard as your own.I pressed the softness of my breasts into your cock, teasing you further, rubbing them all over it watching your look of desperation, anger and mounting satisfaction above me. I grinned up at you as I slid my hands to your thighs and pressed you back against the half pipe, pinning you there, unable to move until I did. Your arm flexed deliciously above me as you gripped the half pipe for stability, the other was pressed flatly against the wall of it, spread as far as it could. I looked you in the eye then as I slid both my hands to your belt, and undid it with speed. I was through waiting, I wanted you with an ache that would not subside until I had you inside me. The zipper gave in a quick audible sound, your belt clinking as my hands disappeared into your pants. Your musk hit my nostrils like a cool breeze and I felt my hips sway underneath me as my mouth watered. Your cock was hot and slippery, both with sweat and the wetness that had culminated between your thighs. I knew you loved every second of this, my little exhibitionist. About now I might have come to my senses and dragged you back home kicking and screaming, but instead I gave into my lust and took you here in this open place where anyone could see us. Maybe the heat had gone to my head, but it wasn’t in control anymore, only the need to feel your cock plunging into my depths was in control of me now. I fished your cock out of the fly of your boxers and it waved in the air in spite of the heaviness of its stiffness. I closed my hand around it tightly, each finger curling in a wave from pinkie to pointer as I examined it with my eyes before devouring it with my mouth. I ran my tongue in a slow deliberate drag up the length of it, along the bottom edge of it, following it with my hand, and then as my hand moved back down my mouth teased the head. I ran my tongue in circles around the swollen head, tonguing the slit at the end before wrapping my lips around it and sucking it into my mouth. Your hips drove forward then, but my free hand stopped you at your thigh, gripping you tightly. My hand drove up and down you as I pulled your cock to the side to drag my lips in a slippery trail up and down the topside. I knew it was driving you mad by the feeling of your hips straining to drive it into my mouth at any opportune moment, but I had a very good purpose for making you wait. I had to get it wet, wetter than it already was in spite of your juices and sweat. It tasted like you and I could smell your cunt behind the garment leather of your harness. Thank god we packed hard today, I thought as I slid my mouth up to the tip of your cock again, then closing my eyes I drove your length into the back of my throat in a slow but deliberate swallow. As soon as it passed the momentary resistance of my throat you were driving into me. I kept my hand rooted at the base of your cock, following your thrusts with my head bobbing up and down your cock with ferocious suction. Loud slurping noises and moans came from my mouth around your cock, stifled by its thickness and heat. I could hear you grasping and groaning above me and I look up to meet your eyes as I drove my mouth down on your cock faster. Teeth gritted and fixed you looked somewhere between surprised and angry at me for doing this to you, for bringing you this pleasure that only I could. My hand had found my own cock and stroked it while I sucked you off violently. I undid my pants and pulled it from it’s bounds, stroking it within your view as I captured your cock again and again in my wet mouth. I could see you were nearly ready to throw me up against the half pipe and take my ass as only you could, but I wasn’t ready to be rid of the taste of your cock in my mouth. I pulled your cock out of my mouth with a pop, and trails of my spit and your fluids clung from the head of it to my swollen lips. I leaned back enough to afford you a better view of my cock, the way I was stroking it for you, the same way I had done to yours. I licked around the tip of your cock in feather light tickles, frustrating you and making you curse at me. Your hand met the back of my head to try to force your cock into my throat again but I shook it off with a grin and a sinister chuckle. I sucked the tip between my lips and showed you my teeth against the edge of your cock, grazing slightly so I know you would feel it. Never tempt a boi who bites, and hard at that. You knew better than to force me; I had my reasons for slowing us down. Taking my mouth from your cock again I pumped my hand up and down it as I spit on my own, then took your cock in my mouth again. As I sucked you into my throat I twisted my head in a swivel, then coming back off it, I ran my tongue in slight wiggles along the base. Pass after pass I pleasured you like this, driving you onwards into my blinding lust for you. My own cock strained in my fist as I fucked it hard. I was nearly there; I wanted you in me soon. But I needed something first and we hadn’t brought any lube. Coming off your cock I gasped loudly, I looked up at you as I hand fucked you faster and faster. “You wanna fuck me in the ass, don’t you baby?” I said up to you, my voice raw and husky. “Fuck yeah I do, you know I do bitch,” you growled down at me, trapping my face in a violent grip. “Yeah, I want you to fuck me hard baby, you know I do, I always do,” I said, stopping to nibble at the head of your cock. “Ugh, Fuck! Get up here,” you said dragging me to my feet against you. “Wait,” I said feebly as you slammed me up against the half pipe, circling around me and pinning me to it with your weight. Your cock rubbed against the inside of my thighs as you kicked my feet apart grinding it against me. Your hand met my cock and pumped it slowly, “Don’t worry baby, I know what you need,” you whispered into my ear. Then biting the back of my neck where my shoulder met it you slid down my back. Pressing your breasts into my back as you went down, your mouth nipping at my back as you went. Your free hand slid up the back of my thigh and under my wife beater over the naked sweaty skin. You calmed me and stilled my movements until I settled into the half pipe, leaning my weight into it and presenting my ass to you. Your hand slid back down my back, suggesting the sharp points of your nails against the sensitive skin along my spine. You pulled my pants and briefs down with your hand, still stroking my cock the whole time. As you tugged them free, just below the fullest of my ass, the cool air rushed onto my ass covered in sweat, and I knew you could smell what sucking you off had done to me. You covered my ass in kisses and nips, exploring each of the rounded handfuls my ass presented to you. Stroking my cock in a stiff downward fashion as you worshipped my ass with your mouth, you were sighing as you heard the loud moans you were eliciting from me. My ass ground into every kiss, every grazing of teeth over naked sensitive flesh, every time they bore down I squirmed under your touch. My cunt was flooded, but held together from the harness and my cock pressing into it over and over every time you thrust your hand from tip to base and back again. Even so I felt my wetness coating the insides and backs of my thighs and I felt you bend lower to gather it with your tongue. Your velvet soft slick wet tongue that left first its heat on my skin shocking my nerves and then the coolness of the air against it. I knew the salt of my sweat and my cum was mixing together and you were driving your face into it to collect as much as you could with your tongue, making your face and mouth slicker and slicker. Every time you licked at my wetness you’d pull your face up and burry it between my ass, mixing the slickness of your mouth with my ass, lubing it up for me. Each time your tongue flicked across my ass I screamed for you, biting my forearm to keep from being too loud. You were loving it, every second of it. Driving your tongue inside my ass, you spit into it, and then fucked it with your tongue. You were driving me mad with need, making my ass open for you creating a wet mess you’d soon plummet with your cock. My own cock was still thrusting in the embrace of your hand and you knew it was all driving me to that point; I could come just like this for you, with your tongue in my ass so deep, the moans from your mouth vibrating within it. But I didn’t want to come like that, not yet. I wanted to come like we usually always do, together in a simultaneous burst of unadulterated pleasure. “Fuck me!” I screamed as you corkscrewed your tongue in and out of my ass. “What was that?” you teased up at me with a mouthful of ass. “Fuck me! Do it now, pound my ass with your cock,” I barked. “You want me to fuck you boi?” you said seriously as you stood behind me, spitting on your cock several times and rubbing the head of it against my ass. The question was more rhetorical than literal and I answered it with my body as I ground back against it feeling my ass grabbing at its tip even before you started to press against me. “Ohhhh, so eager my little beaver, you want to get fucked badly huh?” you said swirling the head in circles around my ass as you drove it in a little further then pulled it out. “Yessss,” I hissed against you, arching my back into your cock. One hand flexed around my hip pulling me back slowly, the other held onto your wet cock, gauging the depth as you buried it slowly into my ass. “Yeah baby, you like that in your ass don’t you?” you whispered into my ear, sliding your other hand around to grasp my cock upside down and pump it as you fucked me slowly at first in shallow barely perceptible thrusts. My ass stretched to accommodate your cock, and my hips didn’t know which way to move first, into your hand to pleasure my cock, or into your hips to fuck me deeper in the ass. I kept still and tried to match your slow rhythm, and soon you were building on it, pulling out further, then fucking back inside me slowly all the way to the hilt. I had lost control and every second of it clawed at my reason, screaming your name, not caring how loud I was anymore or who saw us together. “That’s my boi, you like getting fucked in the ass by me don’t you?” you said grabbing both of my hips and fucking me harder. My hand found my cock and squeezed it. “Oh yeah baby, you know I love it when you fuck me, any way you want. I’m yours,” I groaned fucking back into your cock, matching the strength of your thrusts with my own. “Say that again,” you said, slowing down and leaning into me, kissing my neck. I forgot what you said, the pleasure was so great from how you were fucking me, the sensation of your mouth on my skin, and I was so close when you stopped moving completely. My ass flexed in vain around your cock and you groaned from the pressure but did not relent in my torture. I whimpered under your weight, trying to drive you into me. “Say it again!” you swore at me biting the back of my neck. Blinding heat and stars littered my vision until I remembered I wanted to come for you. “I’m yours! I’m all yours, you know that. I’m always yours,” I panted, sagging against the half pipe. My nipples rubbed themselves raw against the wood grain, too hard from the stimulation you were giving me. “Yeahhhh, that’s right, you’re mine cunt, all of you, whenever I want you. Where ever I want you,” you thrust into me with each word harder than the last and I was gasping and panting for breath. I was so close, but I was waiting for you. “Baby, I can’t, I’m gonna come soon,” I pleaded with you. “Shhhh, that’s ok baby, I’m gonna come with you, you wanna come with me don’t you good boi?” you cooed into my ear in your deep sultry voice as you fucked me faster and deeper. “Yeah, yeah I do, tell me, tell me when I can,” I managed to stammer out, tripping on my words while I held back for you, staving off the most blinding orgasm until we could come together, racked in pleasure. You fucked inside me deepening your thrusts, moaning loudly behind me, fucking me into the half pipe with your full weight. It seemed like hours and I teetered on the brink the entire time, suspended somewhere between heaven and hell. You ran one hand up my stomach to hold me further against you with the other you bore down on my shoulder, bearing my ass down on your cock as you thrust up into it in a maddening pace. I was close to either coming or passing out, I couldn’t hold back any longer. “Please baby, can I come?” I whined, bracing against your thrusts, a bundle of raw nerves, sweat, and cum. “Yeah baby, come now, come with me,” You said nuzzling your face against the backs of my shoulder with feverish kisses as you picked up your intensity just before freezing deep in my ass. My ass squeezed in wave after wave around you, my cock twitching in my hand as I came, my cunt flooding my thighs with a rush of wetness. Your cock was jerking inside me as you moaned my name, coming with me; I could feel you shaking against me as you followed me into orgasm. You rode my ass slowly as you came down from coming, then pulled out slowly. I let go of my cock and stuffed it back in my pants before turning around on weak knees to squeeze your cock and shove it back in your pants. I grabbed you and pulled you against me, wrapping me in your arms and you in mine. We held each other sweating and panting, our bodies discharging electricity like live wires in a puddle of salt water. “I love you,” I whispered to you as my forehead pressed against yours. The sweat on our foreheads mixed and I felt my brow furrowed against yours. “I love you too, Blythe,” you said sliding your head into the crook of my sweaty neck. Your lips found the skin on my neck and I shuddered from the pleasure of it. “Hey now,” I said take me home before you start all that again. You pulled back grinning at me that evil glint in your eye, “You know, I think the damage is already done here mister, but I’ll definitely take you up on that offer.” I blushed and grinned sheepishly, shrugging my shoulders, “You caught me red-handed, you’re hot, so sue me,” I said wiggling your hips in my hands, our cocks brushing against each others through our pants. “Comon,” you said grabbing my hand and leading me to our bikes. You did up your pants as you bent to pick up your bike and then sit on the seat. “Let’s go home,” you said smiling at me over your shoulder as you sped off towards our house, “I want you to fuck ME in the ass this time!” I laughed and picked up my bike, jumping on it to ride home behind you, staring at the ass I would soon be fucking before we fell asleep in each others arms. “What a great day in the sunshine,” I thought. And it was.
Music:I kissed a girl - Katy Perry
Someday, someday...The heat of the day was muggy. Humid air clung to every pore, seemingly suffocating us in the weight of it. An intense fog of hot still air surrounded us that added moisture to our skin in the form of slow trailing ribbons of sweat. We sat in the sunshine, absorbing the glow you donned in slightly baggy jeans and me in long shorts. Your dark denim was set off by a studded belt threaded around wide but toned hips. In the heat your tight led zeppelin shirt clung to you and you had thrown your beanie to the side of us, landing it perfectly on the handlebars of your bike when you pitched it. In the wet heat, your short curls hung heavy and stuck to your jaw line, scattering in frizzled ends from the heat along the nape of your neck, just past your skull. You had kept your vans on, but had remarked earlier that it was hot enough for them to melt on the asphalt if your feet weren’t sweating enough inside the thick walls to create puddles that put the stopped the melting. I had laughed at your ridiculous suggestion, collapsing on the curb near the half pipe after vaulting off my bike and letting it topple on its side. Unable to move, we sat sprawled out against the curb of an abandoned skate park, legs spread we took up more space than we needed. Just two unassuming bois and their bikes in the skate park at nearly 2:00 o’clock. I was sticking to every surface and my clothing clung to me uncomfortably. Every piece was like a wet blanket thrown on me from my black and grey plaid converse and thick socks, to my deep moss green shorts, and my white wife beater hugged every inch of skin with it’s ribboned surface becoming sheer where my sweat pooled. The sun glinted off the spokes of our tires and cast a glare into my light green eyes. Squinting at the glare I turned my head and it lolled to the side, causing the sun to catch in my straight blonde shag. Heavy lidded from the heat of the day, I opened my eyes slowly, and took in the sight of you sunbathing beside me. Laid out on your back your eyes were closed and sweat sprinkled on your calm un-furrowed brow. Your skin had grown from a light pink in the winter to a deep olive tan in the summer’s sun. And the muscles in your arms and legs showed the hard work you had been doing in extra work outs and mastering your tricks in the park after work. You were a maze of flats and curves all hidden exceedingly well in the androgynous stance you sported. People still knew enough by your abundant curves to know you were indeed a girl, but what kind of girl looked more like a boy than a girl? My kind of girl, the kind of girl that fucked me raged in the ass after sucking my own dick dry, and then let me clean up her cunt with my tongue when it was all over. Just thinking about the way you fucked me the night before was making more than my back drip from the heat. My eyes wandered further down from your ample chest, past your smooth but rounded belly, to your thighs and down to bulge at their center. The sunlight glared off your belt and sent my eyes scattering down your legs to your vans, the ones you let me paint up for you like the Gates of Hell. But the bulge in your pants is impressive to draw my eyes back to it, and I felt my own stirring in my shorts as my fingers twitched in reflex. The newfound rush of heat in my body not brought on by the effects of the brilliant sun above us but by the promise of what your bulge meant, caused me to roll over easily onto my side. I stopped and stared down at you, propping myself on my elbow close to you, hovering near your shoulder. With my free arm I reached out and rested my hand above your knee on the inside of your thigh, kneading it slightly in my greedy palm. Your eyes still closed, and lips still donning that mona lisa smile, I saw a single eyebrow raise curiously. Your sliver of a smile grew into more of a knowing smirk as my hand slide upwards massaging your thigh, grazing your cock in your pants and feeling the heat and sweat making the denim cling to you. Eyebrow still raised you opened one eye to cast me a sideways glance paired with your devilish smirk, “And what do you think you’re doing mister?” you teased me. You knew I wasn’t ordinarily one for public sex. Especially not in a place this public and in broad daylight no less. “What do you think I’m doing?” I whispered above you as my finger tips traced the outline of your cock dragging against the edges of it, defining it further in your damp jeans. “I think the heat has gotten to you,” you said breaking our eye contact to move your chocolate and mint eyes to the ministrations of my fingers further south. The glare from your belt was too strong for me to look down with you, but I knew from your vantage point that the glare wasn’t going to stop the show unfolding before your eyes. This made me re-double my efforts to drive you crazy, I wanted what was buried in your denim and boxers first in my hand, then sinking between my lips, and then driving into my ass, and I wanted it: now. I stroked your cock, pressing it into your cunt, driving the base of it in an incessant rhythm of ebbing and flowing nudges against your hardening clit. My hand curled in an unrelenting fist around your thickness and pumped up and down your shaft, curling my thumb around the head of your cock before driving my hand down to the base of it, twisting my hand as it went. Slowly but steadily I hand fucked your cock, feeling your hips start to rise to meet it. All the while, I watched your face, your eyes cast downwards and your eyebrows intermittently knitting together and relaxing with the efforts of your hips movements. I slowed momentarily, gripping your cock in a vice like grip I knew you could feel, pulsing and timing it so that I knew it would mimic the sensation of penetrating me in any number of the orifices I would have gladly handed over to you at that moment without thought. At that moment your eyes rejoined my gaze and your eyes shining with lust and understanding sent a bolt of pure electricity to my nexus. We exploded onto each other an instant later in ferocity reserved for animals in the wild. Lips crushed each others, trapping them between teeth and forcing our mouths open with suction. Our tongues lashed at each others, curling around the other inside our mouths in a passionate tug of war. We came out of the kiss gasping for air only to plunge deeper into it, my hand rooted firmly to the base of your cock, urging you on through your deepening thrusts. My fingers tangled in the curls at the base of your skull and tensed slightly, just the way I know you like as you moaned into our kiss. I stood violently, dragging you up by your hair and my unyielding grasp around your cock. You moved with me, slightly staggering back from the force of my kiss intensified. I slid my hand down your back, dragging my nails down your back until I reached the small of it, then slid my hand around your hips to support you and keep us from tumbling down to the asphalt again. “Stand up,” I growled against your ear; trapping the velvet skin of your tender earlobe in my teeth, I grazed along the pathways of the folds of your ear with the tip of my tongue. Breathing noisily into your ear I ran my tongue in a flat agonizingly slow trail up the backside of your ear where it met your skull. You tasted like heat and salt and I could smell your obvious arousal muffled through your clothing. I felt your knees buckle and your hips shudder in my embrace. “I want to suck your cock,” I rasped into your ear still sliding my hand up and down its length. “I need something to stand against,” you panted, moving to undo your belt. “Stop,” I said, full of the need to liberate you myself. I looked around for a moment, disoriented by the blinding light and my desire for you. Then I saw it, the perfect place for our torrid affairs. The half pipe, shimmering in the heat of the sun,waxed edges would ensure the splinters would be worn down and offer us some cover in case anyone came upon us in the deserted skate park. Snarling in a dangerous smile I walked you back roughly, grabbing your jaw with my free hand in an effort to keep the surprise to myself. Our faces lingered close to each others, our eyes scanning each other’s faces and the emotions painted across them: lust, need, love, desire, and above all passion. Just before slamming your back up against the half pipe I sneered down at you and claimed you in another violent kiss. Reaching up with one hand you grabbed a hold of the half pipe above you as I slid down your body, dragging my breasts down yours and over the front of your body. I knew you could feel my cock pressing into you as well as I slid down you, as hard as your own.I pressed the softness of my breasts into your cock, teasing you further, rubbing them all over it watching your look of desperation, anger and mounting satisfaction above me. I grinned up at you as I slid my hands to your thighs and pressed you back against the half pipe, pinning you there, unable to move until I did. Your arm flexed deliciously above me as you gripped the half pipe for stability, the other was pressed flatly against the wall of it, spread as far as it could. I looked you in the eye then as I slid both my hands to your belt, and undid it with speed. I was through waiting, I wanted you with an ache that would not subside until I had you inside me. The zipper gave in a quick audible sound, your belt clinking as my hands disappeared into your pants. Your musk hit my nostrils like a cool breeze and I felt my hips sway underneath me as my mouth watered. Your cock was hot and slippery, both with sweat and the wetness that had culminated between your thighs. I knew you loved every second of this, my little exhibitionist. About now I might have come to my senses and dragged you back home kicking and screaming, but instead I gave into my lust and took you here in this open place where anyone could see us. Maybe the heat had gone to my head, but it wasn’t in control anymore, only the need to feel your cock plunging into my depths was in control of me now. I fished your cock out of the fly of your boxers and it waved in the air in spite of the heaviness of its stiffness. I closed my hand around it tightly, each finger curling in a wave from pinkie to pointer as I examined it with my eyes before devouring it with my mouth. I ran my tongue in a slow deliberate drag up the length of it, along the bottom edge of it, following it with my hand, and then as my hand moved back down my mouth teased the head. I ran my tongue in circles around the swollen head, tonguing the slit at the end before wrapping my lips around it and sucking it into my mouth. Your hips drove forward then, but my free hand stopped you at your thigh, gripping you tightly. My hand drove up and down you as I pulled your cock to the side to drag my lips in a slippery trail up and down the topside. I knew it was driving you mad by the feeling of your hips straining to drive it into my mouth at any opportune moment, but I had a very good purpose for making you wait. I had to get it wet, wetter than it already was in spite of your juices and sweat. It tasted like you and I could smell your cunt behind the garment leather of your harness. Thank god we packed hard today, I thought as I slid my mouth up to the tip of your cock again, then closing my eyes I drove your length into the back of my throat in a slow but deliberate swallow. As soon as it passed the momentary resistance of my throat you were driving into me. I kept my hand rooted at the base of your cock, following your thrusts with my head bobbing up and down your cock with ferocious suction. Loud slurping noises and moans came from my mouth around your cock, stifled by its thickness and heat. I could hear you grasping and groaning above me and I look up to meet your eyes as I drove my mouth down on your cock faster. Teeth gritted and fixed you looked somewhere between surprised and angry at me for doing this to you, for bringing you this pleasure that only I could. My hand had found my own cock and stroked it while I sucked you off violently. I undid my pants and pulled it from it’s bounds, stroking it within your view as I captured your cock again and again in my wet mouth. I could see you were nearly ready to throw me up against the half pipe and take my ass as only you could, but I wasn’t ready to be rid of the taste of your cock in my mouth. I pulled your cock out of my mouth with a pop, and trails of my spit and your fluids clung from the head of it to my swollen lips. I leaned back enough to afford you a better view of my cock, the way I was stroking it for you, the same way I had done to yours. I licked around the tip of your cock in feather light tickles, frustrating you and making you curse at me. Your hand met the back of my head to try to force your cock into my throat again but I shook it off with a grin and a sinister chuckle. I sucked the tip between my lips and showed you my teeth against the edge of your cock, grazing slightly so I know you would feel it. Never tempt a boi who bites, and hard at that. You knew better than to force me; I had my reasons for slowing us down. Taking my mouth from your cock again I pumped my hand up and down it as I spit on my own, then took your cock in my mouth again. As I sucked you into my throat I twisted my head in a swivel, then coming back off it, I ran my tongue in slight wiggles along the base. Pass after pass I pleasured you like this, driving you onwards into my blinding lust for you. My own cock strained in my fist as I fucked it hard. I was nearly there; I wanted you in me soon. But I needed something first and we hadn’t brought any lube. Coming off your cock I gasped loudly, I looked up at you as I hand fucked you faster and faster. “You wanna fuck me in the ass, don’t you baby?” I said up to you, my voice raw and husky. “Fuck yeah I do, you know I do bitch,” you growled down at me, trapping my face in a violent grip. “Yeah, I want you to fuck me hard baby, you know I do, I always do,” I said, stopping to nibble at the head of your cock. “Ugh, Fuck! Get up here,” you said dragging me to my feet against you. “Wait,” I said feebly as you slammed me up against the half pipe, circling around me and pinning me to it with your weight. Your cock rubbed against the inside of my thighs as you kicked my feet apart grinding it against me. Your hand met my cock and pumped it slowly, “Don’t worry baby, I know what you need,” you whispered into my ear. Then biting the back of my neck where my shoulder met it you slid down my back. Pressing your breasts into my back as you went down, your mouth nipping at my back as you went. Your free hand slid up the back of my thigh and under my wife beater over the naked sweaty skin. You calmed me and stilled my movements until I settled into the half pipe, leaning my weight into it and presenting my ass to you. Your hand slid back down my back, suggesting the sharp points of your nails against the sensitive skin along my spine. You pulled my pants and briefs down with your hand, still stroking my cock the whole time. As you tugged them free, just below the fullest of my ass, the cool air rushed onto my ass covered in sweat, and I knew you could smell what sucking you off had done to me. You covered my ass in kisses and nips, exploring each of the rounded handfuls my ass presented to you. Stroking my cock in a stiff downward fashion as you worshipped my ass with your mouth, you were sighing as you heard the loud moans you were eliciting from me. My ass ground into every kiss, every grazing of teeth over naked sensitive flesh, every time they bore down I squirmed under your touch. My cunt was flooded, but held together from the harness and my cock pressing into it over and over every time you thrust your hand from tip to base and back again. Even so I felt my wetness coating the insides and backs of my thighs and I felt you bend lower to gather it with your tongue. Your velvet soft slick wet tongue that left first its heat on my skin shocking my nerves and then the coolness of the air against it. I knew the salt of my sweat and my cum was mixing together and you were driving your face into it to collect as much as you could with your tongue, making your face and mouth slicker and slicker. Every time you licked at my wetness you’d pull your face up and burry it between my ass, mixing the slickness of your mouth with my ass, lubing it up for me. Each time your tongue flicked across my ass I screamed for you, biting my forearm to keep from being too loud. You were loving it, every second of it. Driving your tongue inside my ass, you spit into it, and then fucked it with your tongue. You were driving me mad with need, making my ass open for you creating a wet mess you’d soon plummet with your cock. My own cock was still thrusting in the embrace of your hand and you knew it was all driving me to that point; I could come just like this for you, with your tongue in my ass so deep, the moans from your mouth vibrating within it. But I didn’t want to come like that, not yet. I wanted to come like we usually always do, together in a simultaneous burst of unadulterated pleasure. “Fuck me!” I screamed as you corkscrewed your tongue in and out of my ass. “What was that?” you teased up at me with a mouthful of ass. “Fuck me! Do it now, pound my ass with your cock,” I barked. “You want me to fuck you boi?” you said seriously as you stood behind me, spitting on your cock several times and rubbing the head of it against my ass. The question was more rhetorical than literal and I answered it with my body as I ground back against it feeling my ass grabbing at its tip even before you started to press against me. “Ohhhh, so eager my little beaver, you want to get fucked badly huh?” you said swirling the head in circles around my ass as you drove it in a little further then pulled it out. “Yessss,” I hissed against you, arching my back into your cock. One hand flexed around my hip pulling me back slowly, the other held onto your wet cock, gauging the depth as you buried it slowly into my ass. “Yeah baby, you like that in your ass don’t you?” you whispered into my ear, sliding your other hand around to grasp my cock upside down and pump it as you fucked me slowly at first in shallow barely perceptible thrusts. My ass stretched to accommodate your cock, and my hips didn’t know which way to move first, into your hand to pleasure my cock, or into your hips to fuck me deeper in the ass. I kept still and tried to match your slow rhythm, and soon you were building on it, pulling out further, then fucking back inside me slowly all the way to the hilt. I had lost control and every second of it clawed at my reason, screaming your name, not caring how loud I was anymore or who saw us together. “That’s my boi, you like getting fucked in the ass by me don’t you?” you said grabbing both of my hips and fucking me harder. My hand found my cock and squeezed it. “Oh yeah baby, you know I love it when you fuck me, any way you want. I’m yours,” I groaned fucking back into your cock, matching the strength of your thrusts with my own. “Say that again,” you said, slowing down and leaning into me, kissing my neck. I forgot what you said, the pleasure was so great from how you were fucking me, the sensation of your mouth on my skin, and I was so close when you stopped moving completely. My ass flexed in vain around your cock and you groaned from the pressure but did not relent in my torture. I whimpered under your weight, trying to drive you into me. “Say it again!” you swore at me biting the back of my neck. Blinding heat and stars littered my vision until I remembered I wanted to come for you. “I’m yours! I’m all yours, you know that. I’m always yours,” I panted, sagging against the half pipe. My nipples rubbed themselves raw against the wood grain, too hard from the stimulation you were giving me. “Yeahhhh, that’s right, you’re mine cunt, all of you, whenever I want you. Where ever I want you,” you thrust into me with each word harder than the last and I was gasping and panting for breath. I was so close, but I was waiting for you. “Baby, I can’t, I’m gonna come soon,” I pleaded with you. “Shhhh, that’s ok baby, I’m gonna come with you, you wanna come with me don’t you good boi?” you cooed into my ear in your deep sultry voice as you fucked me faster and deeper. “Yeah, yeah I do, tell me, tell me when I can,” I managed to stammer out, tripping on my words while I held back for you, staving off the most blinding orgasm until we could come together, racked in pleasure. You fucked inside me deepening your thrusts, moaning loudly behind me, fucking me into the half pipe with your full weight. It seemed like hours and I teetered on the brink the entire time, suspended somewhere between heaven and hell. You ran one hand up my stomach to hold me further against you with the other you bore down on my shoulder, bearing my ass down on your cock as you thrust up into it in a maddening pace. I was close to either coming or passing out, I couldn’t hold back any longer. “Please baby, can I come?” I whined, bracing against your thrusts, a bundle of raw nerves, sweat, and cum. “Yeah baby, come now, come with me,” You said nuzzling your face against the backs of my shoulder with feverish kisses as you picked up your intensity just before freezing deep in my ass. My ass squeezed in wave after wave around you, my cock twitching in my hand as I came, my cunt flooding my thighs with a rush of wetness. Your cock was jerking inside me as you moaned my name, coming with me; I could feel you shaking against me as you followed me into orgasm. You rode my ass slowly as you came down from coming, then pulled out slowly. I let go of my cock and stuffed it back in my pants before turning around on weak knees to squeeze your cock and shove it back in your pants. I grabbed you and pulled you against me, wrapping me in your arms and you in mine. We held each other sweating and panting, our bodies discharging electricity like live wires in a puddle of salt water. “I love you,” I whispered to you as my forehead pressed against yours. The sweat on our foreheads mixed and I felt my brow furrowed against yours. “I love you too, Blythe,” you said sliding your head into the crook of my sweaty neck. Your lips found the skin on my neck and I shuddered from the pleasure of it. “Hey now,” I said take me home before you start all that again. You pulled back grinning at me that evil glint in your eye, “You know, I think the damage is already done here mister, but I’ll definitely take you up on that offer.” I blushed and grinned sheepishly, shrugging my shoulders, “You caught me red-handed, you’re hot, so sue me,” I said wiggling your hips in my hands, our cocks brushing against each others through our pants. “Comon,” you said grabbing my hand and leading me to our bikes. You did up your pants as you bent to pick up your bike and then sit on the seat. “Let’s go home,” you said smiling at me over your shoulder as you sped off towards our house, “I want you to fuck ME in the ass this time!” I laughed and picked up my bike, jumping on it to ride home behind you, staring at the ass I would soon be fucking before we fell asleep in each others arms. “What a great day in the sunshine,” I thought. And it was.
Music:I kissed a girl - Katy Perry
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