Free For All

Last night was electric
the kind of experience where I stretched outside my comfort zone
and coincidentally I found myself there.

Ordinarily in the past I would have sheltered myself.
Guarded up, stuck like a shadow to those I knew only,
not talked to people, not made new connections,
failed to make eye contact or really take in the experience.

Not so last night.
Last night was further proof that I am
and continue to
find myself everywhere I go
and reflect back that unique signature that makes up my soul
to the rest of the world no matter where I am.

I made new connections,
I flirted,
I danced,
and I remained present to everything.

And in that I found a kind of rush
that I can only describe as the joy of living.
Life is about having a collection of experiences
some non-sequitors we do not understand at first
but later, it dawns on us that this was part of a greater whole.

And this life I have
is so worth living fully
that I can't imagine going backwards
and becoming the recluse I was before.

And last night
there were moments where you popped into my head
but they were so fleeting
I didn't find them painful in the slightest.
Only serving as a series of reminders that
you were a person I still thought of
as I am wont to do with any number of people
that have come into my life
and then left it to brave their own trails.

I found an old vial of your perfume in my bag last night
when I was sifting through its contents to give someone my
contact information
and at first I had the inclination to throw it away.
Not so much out of a reflex to cast you out, but to let you go.
But I thought about it, for that brief moment and decided
that it didn't bother me sitting there, not demanding my attention
or desire.

It was just there.
A memory I could encounter and release
without the pain of feeling violated.
So why should I throw it away right in that moment
when it really wasn't bothering anyone?

And it wasn't about keeping it
to keep you with me.
You'll always have the space in my heart you occupied once
We do not excise these loves and dispel them unless they are
truly toxic.
And you weren't toxic so much as you were
an experiment gone haywire.

A chance to stretch my comfort zone
and find myself.
Which I have, and for that I am so grateful.
But in finding ourselves, I believe we are meant to move on.
And moving on is exactly what I am focused with right now.

So I want you to be well,
and I still want the space both of us need to heal properly.
But I do hope that someday, if it has not already happened for you
you can encounter my memory the same way
and just be at peace with it
the way I am with yours.