Mobile Thoughts

The piglet has started walking all on her own.
Not that you'd care really...
I highly doubt this would register any response from you emotionally other than surprise at it finally happening and yet seeming so fast.

I'm starting to understand now what I think the problem was
in you investing time into relationships with my family.
I think the more you saw it, the more you became acutely aware
how important these people, and remaining close to them was to me.

That they were not people I was willing to just
extricate myself from to suit your dreams and whims alone.
There were other times in my life,
other relationships where I might have entertained that possibility.

With you, at this time,
it has never crossed my mind however.
I wouldn't have followed you that way
a sad puppy dog sniffing at your heel backs
forced to leave all I love behind
so that you could flit from location to location
until you found yourself.

And I find that now,
your reaction to my niece
and my spending time with her
has become all too clear.
It frightened you.
Showed you how I would have done anything
to have made room in my life so easily for her always,
showed the distance in emotional development between us,
showed you the unwavering certainty that I will someday be a mother
and I believe it lit on the fact that you realized you weren't done yet
growing up yourself enough to fully fathom that thought without the recoil of fear.

All the big talk for nothing
Why do you waste so much time lying to yourself?
To please others?
Obviously this - this is not pleasant for anyone.
And I keep coming back to these questions
this aching wound that refuses to heal
without ripping open each time I spend moments
with my friends or family:
Why would you string me along for 6 months?

Why would you come up with excuse after excuse to prolong the inevitable?
Why didn't you just let me end it the week before?
Is this all just a game for control to you?
Is that how you treated this time with me...
pulling your punches at the right time
so you could call the shots constantly?
And when can I get my life back?

Because for me, there is something extremely damaging
in the memories I have spent with you and the piglet
looking up and watching your eyes constrict with fear,
refusing to hold her,
to touch her at all really,
to know her in any other way than a silent
momentary figure there and gone again for weeks on end.

There's the same sense of damage in you
spinning me yarns about why you pulled away from me
physically, emotionally, sexually.
Blaming it on everything imaginable,
yet seemingly alright with letting it just waste
while not being able to let it go.

Why would you do that?
Just plain cowardice?
Is that all this really comes down to?
Or was it rather an honest desire for the opposite?
and yet enough of what you were getting or wanting was laid bare
for you to stay and pick the mines clean.

Did you really think this would have played out the way you wanted?
That if you spent enough time with me, convinced me you loved me enough,
that when you finally voiced these needs in opposition to mine
I would just give in and follow you blindly?
Did you think I would stop trying to be gratified as well?
Is this the only way you know how to function really?

Making sure you are provided for first,
before stopping to think of the bare minimum it might take
to keep the other person around?
Are you only giving after you've finished taking?
My heart wants to say that's not true,
but well...

You never did live up to the needs and wants I asked for
when we got back together with any kind of consistancy.
Instead, you turned me into a broken record of requests,
pleading, demands.
But what? Did you think I was going to shut up?

I wasn't asking you for anything you didn't ask for
in the first place.
You wanted me to have a relationship with your parents, your only family,
I did that. I invested in that, fully.
You never did the same with mine.

You said you wanted me to work on my communication style,
I did that, remained in constant check with me,
learned to voice my needs and wants differently,
learned to handle disputes differently too.
It wasn't always 100% corrected, but over time
the change was massive.

You on the other hand,
never did get the hang of communicating with me.
Always putting up walls and barriers
I would have to either be content to sit outside
or topple down to get you to speak to me.
And you would always have more waiting for me on the other side.

Control my sweet thing,
is an addiction.
Of this I have been abundantly aware.
So before you get cute,
and start convincing yourself that I was trying to control you
in this relationship
think twice about this.

The ability to communicate my needs and wants,
whether you gratified them or not,
but to be consistent in at least expressing them
is what separates me from being a loving partner
and a walking pushover.

In any case,
there's a kind of comfort
that I will no longer have to subject my niece to your
absentee ways.
Thankful that she is so young she will never remember you.
Thankful that she, as a child, something that needs nurturing energy and love and enthusiasm around her as she develops
will not have a mute statue for a second aunt.
Not like I could have ever called you that anyway
you were hardly present enough to hold up to the title.

And I wish
I could have spared myself the lesson as well
Watching you silently sent the message through your behavior
that "the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference."
as you are so fond of quoting.
But then again, you'd know a great deal about indifference
wouldn't you?