Truth Be Told

It is not all resentment laying heavy on my heart these days that pushes me forward.
There is a certain satisfaction in a job well done.
I believe I couldn't have let this rest without it's second trial.

But a third, I am not willing to negotiate.
I need more
Want more
deserve more
at present moment than we were ever able to bring each other.

You are a person I will look at with fondness when
our history is a simple memory left to antiquity,
but I will always wonder why?

Not why did it break down,
I know the reasons for that.
But why?
Why did you wait so long?
Six months at least you kept me hanging on the end of this disconnected line
and the reality is, it may have been the entirety of our relationship.

There is a certain measure of validation
that I have been saying we were not meant to be
in the long term at least
all along.

But the possibilities between us
were so blinding
so tantalizing
and you sold them
like fresh cuts of meat so I bought them.
Because I was hungry.
Convinced myself I was starving but it didn't matter.
I was on hunger strike when I met you.

Truth is, you could have been anyone hocking your wares
and I would have taken you.
But plain and simple,
you were you
fresh meat
and raw blood
I craved the tenderness of your flesh
the unabashed restraint in your calculated
affairs.

I thought it would keep us both safe
until we blossomed into otherness.
You said it yourself,
I was your "wet dream incarnate."
but dreams, are either built or best left to fantasy.

And we were neither and both in the same breath always.
A no man's land of what ifs
and if onlys.
And I took them to heart anyway.

Knowing they wouldn't last.
This is my own folly,
but also yours to share.

I was desperate.
Desperate for a chance to prove to myself that love
was worthwhile
it was worth investing in despite the obvious losses
despite the futility of age difference,
and life experience.

I suppose what drew me to you in the beginning
was a certain level of recognition.
Knowing others is knowing oneself
and I wasn't ready to let that chapter close yet.

I needed to see this through with you on the other end
of that arrangement to know,
it was at least possible.

Even if in the end
it was only regaled to the realm of fantasy
and superstition.

You existed.
And therefore so did I.
And from that I learned
that existence is precipitated by intention.

Mutual or individual alone,
still it carries on its own signature.
And so in other lifetimes we will love each other
more wholly and perfectly than we did in this one.

In that other place,
you will be the one at my side during childbirth,
during my fade into croneing years ungracious as fuck,
and there holding my hand on my deathbed
as I light to another cycle.

But in this world, it is not meant to pass.
And so I know with a kind of calm certainty
as I did when I met you-
we will meet again.

In other times not yet fathomed
but now
it is not meant to carry out to that end.

It's painful,
but beautiful to recognize
we're both of us
not on the losing end
for having found each other
even for a moment in this life.

There were always other options
always other paths
always other potentials on the horizon.

I thought I said farewell to them.
Even for this short clip of time
because I wanted to see this through
to its end.

And now that it has arrived,
a blazing sunset
I know there will be a new dawn
to race like chariots across this plane
I call my heart.

And I will carry you with me
like a locket in my heart
bearing your name and birthday
probably always
even subconsciously
out of that desire alone
to have seen you this time
and had this time
be the one we said yes to.

But I know somewhere out there
is the future we are destined for
on our own
each path cutting swathes through a crowded wood
and I will always be happy
I chose the one less trod
if it led me close to you
even for a fleeting moment in time.