Missing Pieces

There are moments yes
when I miss you still.
Three weeks have passed now
and I have cried less than I thought I would
but more violently than I had expected
in those quiet times
when I have been able to let my guard down
and release the sadness.

There are tender pieces
which will and have gone missing
since you left.
Pieces only for you.
And I will feel greater someday for another kind of woman,
but this way, I will not love quite the same again the way I did you.

It is an attribute to your singularity.
All your quirks and flaws and virtues
painting layer upon layer
to flesh out a girl
I thought could be the woman of my dreams one day
if only we could have both been patient
or better suited for each other
or different.
But we're not, and actually I am coming to embrace that
as the best thing about this relationship.

I can at least say on my behalf,
I blossomed into myself
through growth and determination.


There is indifference
and frustration
and rejection to carry me through the worst of it.
And they are small but temporary mercies.

There is still care,
still concern, and regard and affection for you here
hidden in the webbing of my bone marrow.

After three and a half years,
there is a lot to disentangle
to allow me to be completely free of you.
I am aware of this.
I still haven't been able to go through all of my things
to find yours to give back to you.

It is not that I don't want to.
I actually want to, give you back all these things
if only so that I don't have to look at them any longer.
Don't have to startle when I find something hidden by the bedside
or tucked away onto my bathroom shelf.

It is more out of the utility to exorcise this place,
my apartment,
of your presence than anything else.
I don't plan on keeping much of anything you ever gave me.
Eventually, I will take inventory in my storage locker
and when I come across all those letters and cards,
I'll probably burn them all.

I can't hold onto this anymore.
It's too much pain.
I hope you understand.
I'll treasure the memories
but the physical weight of your presence
is a yoke I have found too cumbersome to carry
anymore.