Ellipses

Jul. 22nd, 2008 at 2:02 AM

I'm tired baby. I'm so tired. Of everything, of life. I want to dare to dream to make my life far greater than I ever could have imagined. I want to make it a thing of unspeakable beauty with my eyes wide open and my feet on the ground for once. I want you there with me but for the whole wide world, I feel like it is tearing us apart. I look at you and I want to see my life reflected in your eyes. But time, my sweet love, is stealing me from you. Time and circumstance are just a they always have been for me: unfortunate. I wish I had met you when you were older. I don't know why my brain wants to distill it down to that but it does. We have our whole lives ahead of us and yet I feel the slow march of time carrying me away from you; my heart, my truest companion, my love. How can I put this in just mere words? How can I soften the blows when they rail against my own heart so blindingly? You, you are truly the one made of riches between us both. You are a rare fresh-water pearl and I want to be your oyster. To offer you comfort and softness and safety in my embrace. To show the world what a rare jewel you are at every moment. You, a young wisp of a woman who captured my foolish heart, who has changed my life irrevocably forever. I couldn't truly look upon you with a disapproving eye for more than a scant second really. I wish you would know my heart the way I do. I wish I could be less honest with you and spare you the pain. I wish I didn't feel compelled to ware you, to be the alarm endlessly sounding in your ears. You are right, whatever I could visit upon you, I know you are visiting much wore upon yourself. I suppose *that* is the very heart of the matter. When I met you, you were as beautiful as you have always been, as poised, as lovely and as breath-taking as ever. I imagine I react to you the same way that a sculptor does when they see the painfully beautiful raw form of untouched marble. In vain, I want to give you the form I see locked away inside this maze of stone. To free you from its concrete confines and give you movement, grae, and the deafening beauty you have sheltered deep within yourself. I should have known from the start what I know all too well now. You are the marble and the sculptor. You alone will be the one to carve yourself out and flesh out that is to become of your beauty. I'm so deeply sorry I can't/I couldn't understand that sooner. I am sorry if my attempts to free and fortify you have left you feeling weak and brittle at my hands. I adore you. I worship your essence with every breath, even if it seems the contrary, I promise you it is the truth. I can't do you any good, that is the lesson I must learn to live with, suffering for it in earnest. I have ruined what I set out to do, unknowingly, to love you as you are. Please forgive me. I hope you find what you deserve because I know it's not this. You taught me what it was to truly love someone: it is to accept them as they are, without prejudice or bias. My heart breaks a thousand times over to imagine my life without you in it for a moment, but I know the best gift I can give you now, is to give your freedom back to you. Because I can't imagine how you would ever be happy with me when I can't love you without treating you like this. I don't want to give up on you, on us. But I feel compelled to for your own safety and sanity. I won't make you a slave to my whims anymore. The choice is as it has always been, yours and yours alone. I love you, Sasha. I love you enough to remove my harmful influence from your life if that would grant you the promise of true happiness. Even if that means I'll suffer forever because of it. No one can take you place, no one every will. I"m sorry I entered your life and filled it with so much ugliness in only four months. I wish I could have given you the soft caress my love held in earlier years, instead, I have tried to give you the only thing I have/had left: my Strength. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I ever sought to change you, to make you better, to re-envision you in any way I have. I'm a coward, I suppose, to afraid to let time take its course. I have to cast me from you like a stone because I can see now, I'm the biggest danger to you. I'm far more of a threat to you than any of the things I try to caution you against. I'm sorry all I could ever be was miserable and denigrating. I am sorry for being a relentless, perfectionist, a tyrant, and an insensitive brute with your soul. I'm sorry that is the only and best way I know how to love you. I'm sorry you met me, but I'll never be sorry for meeting you. No one will rival your brilliance, your charisma, or your beautiful soul. I'm sorry for being hollow and cheap with you I wish I could be netter but I don't know how. I love you, that's all I can do and that's not good enough.

Music:As Long As Your Mine - Wicked