Eight 02.20.10

The thought occurred to me today, as I read back through my letters to you, that I have already lost you. Could it be, that with time and distance, you will grow to think that I was never good to you? I pray that is not possible. I keep hoping what you have said to me since we parted is true; that you believe we are meant to be together, that you think this is just not the right time.

But, a word ,just a gentle word I will put in your ear if you feel yourself slipping away and forgetting why you loved me ever, why you thought I'd ever be worthy of that love again: come back and read my words to you. All of these words should remind you, I am many things, many flawed and fickle things, but one thing is and was always constant: I love you. Every word here was inspired by you, by your spirit, by your love. And, yes, I am guilty of being stubborn, immature, and hurtful; these words can bear testament to all those things. But I wish you could still keep site of the love I have and have had for you from the moment I met you. Since the very instant you entered my life I have been so profoundly lucky.

Just when I thought all hope was gone, of ever finding someone to share this life with, of finding a soul mate, you showed up and made me reconsider. I know, I have said so many, many times I don't believe in soul mates. Do you know why I have said that over and over and over? It's NOT that I honestly believe that, you changed my mind about that when I slept in your arms the first time. I only kept saying that because I was only protecting myself. Have you figured out, that was just me being fearful that it was true and I'd never be able to hold onto your love and I'd loose you? That I had to keep repeating it over and over to act like that was what I really believed, when every time we spoke about it I fell more and more in line with your way of thinking. If you could have heard what was really in my mind and heart in those moments, if I hadn't been such a smug asshole prick about it, holding onto the pain in my past, you would have known I KNOW you are my soul mate. That is part of my problem I realize, I hold onto my past in an unhealthy way. I act like it is still happening to me now when it's just me repeating it over and over because I don't know how to let go. I'm sorry I kept thrusting my denial onto you, I'm sorry I kept myself from daring to trust my instincts that you were the one for me and I should embrace you fully instead of drawing inside and lashing out at you. I like to think you know me well enough to see through my pretense and bullshit, you have certainly called me out on it enough over the years.

It feels so good to say that: years. I hope that this time is just a minor speed bump in a long unending line of years we spend together in the future. But the small nagging worry remains...Do you remember how I have loved you? There is no acrimony whatsoever in my heart for you. And my love is still so much alive. I tell everyone, I will never stop loving you, and I can see they doubt the words. But I know, I KNOW, I will never stop loving you. I know this because I can FEEL it reflected in every minute movement of my cells, every firework lightening strike of my synapses, every time I meditate I can feel its energy coursing through me and its essence is completely everlasting.

I am reading one of your letters you wrote me, a small e-mail you sent me a year ago before our first anniversary. The words comfort my heart and help me to know, you remember that I love you, that there is something here between us that warrants NOT turning our backs on but opening our arms to. In understand why you need to pull back now, you need time for yourself, and also I damaged your trust in me. I know that, I knew that the moment I let those terrible words slip from my mouth. I can't explain why I have done that. Sent you the wrong messages, told you something I don't even BELIEVE in. I think I got so used to being miserable and in pain for so long, I didn't know any other way to be. I didn't have the courage to break the cycle. I hadn't experienced bliss like this, one worth holding onto, one worth working for, one worth really embracing with as little fear as possible. So even though I am afraid you may look at me and say "she'll never be capable of loving me with the things I need" because you have seen my baser, ugly, vengeful side...I hope you are taking it to the bank that I have not and am not fostering ill will for you anywhere in my soul.

I gave you an empty warning in the car that night when I let you go and told you "I'm going to get nasty." I haven't yet, and I won't ever, not EVER. Your love has been so different for me, so life altering and different than the ones before. I never understood that I could be heartbroken this way and not turn it into a thing of pain and ugliness. Because of the way you let me go, gently, lovingly, still with dignity and respect, I cannot see you any other way than as you are: beautiful. Because you did not lie to me, but rather told me the painful truth that was hard to bear, I cannot lash out at you. Because you still are honoring the truth, instead of caving into weakness and taking me back on impulse, I cannot hate you. I know I have to rebuild your trust in me again. I know I have to grow and change myself to be able to embrace healthy ways of communicating, of letting go of my painful past and no longer letting it stand in the way of my future. I know, I may be saying too many things that contradict all that I have said before. These words now might seem baseless because they seem to come from a foreign mouth. One that is not acrid, biting, condescending, and abusive.

I was such a fool; I can only see that now. I am going to the lumbar yard tomorrow to get some wood. I am going to paint you some pieces. I hope you will not be angry with me when I leave it for you on your doorstep, I am keeping my fingers crossed you will forgive the intrusion. You could throw them away I suppose. You could just trash them and that would be fine. I wouldn't be angry. I would understand that being given gifts by someone like me who has given you PLENTY of reason to be suspicious of Trojan horses is not a reflection on you, but rather on me. My greatest fears are realized, I have infected you with my illness of doubt, of broken trust, of pain. How dare I....If it would make good on all the delusions I have given you, if I could take back that education of pain I honestly wanted to spare you from, I would make my recompense to you by giving you my eyes. My undeserving eyes still sting and bleed shimmering saline rivers at the thought of having lost you.

I was at my friends' house on Thursday night; the ones that live literally around the corner from you. I want you to know, I went to go see them because they are a loving tender couple. I wanted to see that with fresh eyes, unbound by my previous rigid arrogance. I wanted to see their baby and marvel that only two people who really loved each other like that could have created such a luminous ethereal kind of light beaming outwards from their hearts. They were merciful kind to me in the hours I spent speaking to them at their place. They took me in, wounded and weak. They filled me with hope and love and care. And, when I left they sent me with good wishes for my healing. While I was there, I thought of you constantly, but I enjoyed the time I spent with them. Your presence, your proximity, was not one that filled me with fear or upset. Rather it was as comforting as I imagine a mother's embrace is to a newborn infant.

And when I left there, tattered brown coat hanging all about me like a set of broken wings, I did not pass by your house. I made my exit respectfully, hoping my intrusion was not noticed with alarm. The thought did not cross my mind to interrupt your evening. Rather, it was with a heavy heart I drove away knowing that I had said to my friends' the visit before last I would be sure to bring you with me to introduce you to them. I am wishing I still could someday introduce you to them as my partner once more. What supreme bliss would be mine in being able to hold your hand in mine once more, to be able to kiss and caress you, to be able to hold you to me and tell you all the things I now long to tell you.

Empyrean is in your arms with my eyes reflected in your chocolate hazel vision. I am hoping you still have some reminders, some very real reminders, that I love you and that once and again my love was good enough to stay with me, despite my numerous flaws. I am hoping you will see that as I grow and mature, my previous hard shell of arrogance falls away for it has already begun. I am hoping you will beckon me back into your life, will summon me to therapy, will ask anything you require of me to prove my love for you is strong and healthy. Put my mettle to the test, let me show you I can appreciate all that I have yet to make good on, but that I can in fact make good on it.

Lonely pieces of me are crying out for you. Take all the time that you need, I am only praying that this silence is ended soon and we can at least begin to speak again, to try and navigate through hopes and fears to the healing and love I know we still share. I have given you my heart, the most vulnerable piece of me, and it wasn't until now I realized there was never any hope of taking it back, despite my misguided attempts to make real that fruit. For what was given cannot be taken back by force, or will, or request. I have yielded to this knowledge. You have my heart, and I wish for it no other home than your capable and caring hands. I am waiting for you, waiting for you to make contact. You said you are giving the 'sign' and I am only hoping it is meant for me, and that it leads me back to your heart.