Four 02.16.10

I'm pathetic today; just filled to overflowing with a beautifully haunting kind of sorrow.

In spite of this, I'm being a complete masochist. I am re-reading all your letters to me, all the cards you ever gave me, any scrap or semblance of you. I am collecting them all, the little bits and pulling them around me like a security blanket. I am trying to inhale memories of you so I can feel full despite this stabbing emptiness. I'll admit though, it feels good to look back at the words and see how much you cared for me, in your uniquely winsome way; even if it was only for an instant. I could have seen this coming, I think I did all along- but I wanted to delay it with your presence a while longer. I think I always knew to be with you was going to involve the ultimate test of my heart, will, character, and love: Being able to let you go. Being able to stand here and watch you walk away - even gently, lovingly, painfully guide you away from me until we were both are truly ready to return. Someone asked me if I thought we really needed to do this, if we could work it out another way. Do you want to know what I told them with no doubts or fears in my heart?

I don't think this is the end. I think this IS how we are working out. I don't see myself honestly ever being capable of not being in love with you heart and soul. I think that's why you scared me so much when I met you...You're all I've ever wanted and some things I forgot to mention that make you painfully breath taking to my soul. I will continue to move forward to growth, but I cannot abandon my love for you. I have to take it with me - where it belongs: in my heart. I have to keeping loving you. I don't want to let go of it yet. And, could you blame me? How could you, when loving you brings all my best qualities to the surface, and has made me brave enough to finally confront and conquer my lesser qualities?

You're being merciful with my heart and not changing the scenery too drastically, no relationship status updates, no cutting me off completely. I cannot thank you enough for that infinite measure of kindness you are extending, probably despite your better judgment. Every time I log on, when I see that phrase "in a relationship with" next to your name I feel a sweet ease come over me. Silent pleading from my eyes is asking you not to change it, because we both want to be back together someday, honor both of our hearts. Do you feel it too then, I wonder, that I am still in this relationship with more of my heart and soul than ever? I am still loving you with my absence, still sparing you from pain, still trying so hard to grow up too. This is the frightening part now, really realizing what I need to do to mature. I've left these things unaddressed for so long now, it seems almost improbable. But your courage has inspired me once again. I will not run away, I will not abandon ship, I will not self destruct. I will do the hard work that has been laid before me, I will face my fears and learn what you have been trying to teach me about all along.

You are teaching me the ultimate lesson in faith. I feel it, coursing through me, I know sooner or later, you'll return to me and we will be together once more. This time we'll love each other stronger, healthier, better for the temporary absence. I look into my future and I see you, not just because I want you there, but because I know you are in it. I have my moments of overwhelming bottomless sadness at the loss of you, I have my moments where everything seems like I should tell myself to stop loving you and give up. But I can't do it. I have to work this karma cycle of devotion for you, because you are the only one I have ever seen who is worth it.

But don't even doubt it, I am still so brokenhearted. I am still pathetic. When I rolled over this morning, I found some of your hairs in my bed. I have kept them, put them away in a safe place, they are sacred treasure to me now. It's only too bad that they don't carry your scent anymore, for that's something I really miss. Speaking of that...Shall I just tell you how pathetic I've become?? How miserably still in love with you I am and longing for you to come back to me? I bought your perfume. I couldn't bare to think of never smelling it again, never knowing all those memories that come rushing back so easily each time I inhale that scent could vanish and I would forget them. I need to remember that sweet smell and the way it curled into my consciousness the first time I met you and bewitched me.

I'm wretched with my love sickness for you, but I don't want the cure. I noticed this from the moment I drove away from your house after dropping you off, every time I drive by the exit on the freeway my hands start to shake. I can feel the anxiety in my rising as I approach it. I have to practically mentally sedate myself to keep from turning the wheel, tugging it violently so that I can swerve and make the exit. Alright, I can never keep anything from you and this is probably my undoing, but I'll admit it...I've driven by your house. I know....I'm fucking sad, sue me. Don't worry, I'm not going to go totally crazy. And contrary to popular belief I can respect your need for space and give you my merciful absence. But you'll excuse the strange comfort I got from driving down that street, from just seeing your place as I slid by in the dark. You have to understand, I just wanted to know you were still here, that I can encounter your memory, your presence, and feel my love for you radiate ever outwards and that that was ok.

Don't worry, I'm not going totally crazy. It's just this longing to be near you when I feel my love drawing me to you that I have to control. But hey control for once could work in my favor, right? I'm not sorry that I can't control my emotions, but I can say I can only control my actions. And since I'm committed to seeing this through, I'll get healthy while I wait for signs of your return. I don't want you to feel pressure. Please do what you need to do. I want you to take all the time you need, tell me if you need me to stop, to go away entirely, tell me if you need me to just pack up and leave and I'll do it. Whatever you need, I'm waiting. Yes, I said waiting...I know...I know...I said the other night I wasn't going to wait for you, but I was weak in that moment. When I think about my love for you it gives me strength. And you, what we have together, it's WORTH waiting for. I couldn't not wait...my heart had other plans. Like you said "you can't rationalize your heart. Love doesn't work like that." I agree.

But it's not really waiting...This is more of an act of devotion, a demonstration of faith. That is the lesson you are teaching me, to be gentle, thoughtful, optimistic. You are teaching me to have Faith when it seems hope is lost. I have it now, I am giving that hope your name. And everyone we know, including you, can call me crazy for it. But like I said in Gasoline- I will weather this lonely ragged time to be with you. In fact, I will do better and use this time to transcend. I'll repair my busted broken bits that I was protecting myself from with out knowing it.

I am listening to your mixes over and over. I'm listening to the 4 mix CDs I have made for you since you left a thousand times in a single day. I'll continue in this way, it's the only way I know how..dabbing my pillows with your scent and every similar act of remembrance I will preform to keep you with me somehow. I'm not going to promise I won't break down from time to time and leave signs for you that I am still here. I already know I will, I won't even try to deny it. But it's not going to be me invading your space any more than my weak heart will let me get away with. It's merely a way to leave you a sign - so that you know I am still out there loving you- even if we can't be together right now. They are just some simple ways to show you I have faith we will be together again someday. Please don't be afraid of my messages, I beg you. It's just that I know, I know like you do also, we are meant to be.