Three 02.15.10

The staccato of my heartbeat is suddenly alarming. I can feel all of my veins constricting, shrinking against the pounding of my hysterical heart; it makes me instantly lightheaded. I feel the need to gasp for breath coming on, and I realize my breath is no longer coming in measured amounts, but rather intermittently in short random bursts that slam against each other. Shhhhh, I tell myself, trying to quell the nausea suddenly knocking at the back of my throat. Shhhhhhh, I try to imitate the soothing sound of my own blood flow but it is more of a terrific roar. I am panicking, I am panicking and it is welling up inside me, making my throat feel tight, making it feel the squeeze of a phantom hand. I try to swallow against it and that just seems to make it worse. I can literally feel the pound of my pulse in my neck and my skin starts to sweat. I'm hot and cold all over in the same instant. Don't tell me this is true; tell me it's an illusion, a fucking nightmare that I will wake up from in moments. You'll be there holding me won't you? You'll be there to soothe my brow and lay your gentle healing kisses against its clammy dampness won't you?

MY GOD. What have I done?

I went looking back; I wanted to see how far back this was going on, for how long was I blind to my delusions that I was ever good for you. Oh god, oh god what I see now is just heinous. How could you possibly ever love me when I've treated you like this? How could you possibly have stayed by my side for the last two years when I have been the very spirit of vile and spite? Oh god I'm such a pathetically undeserving asshole. Here I was the whole time pointing fingers at everyone else but myself; never really owning up to the abuse I was unleashing on you. Excusing it as justified, trying to explain it away with the modeling I got earlier in life. Bullshit house of cards excuses stacked up on top of each other until the tower was so huge it couldn't help but collapse under the weight of itself.

I'm so glad now you got rid of me. I am almost deliriously wishing now that you never come back to me. NEVER show yourself to me again, I am so undeserving with the way I have beaten you down. God, everything you said that night was true wasn't it? And I, in my desperate folly had the nerve to debate the point with you. No wonder you had to take it this far. I am so sick and unhealthy, I am so twisted and warped to think that was really love I was giving you wrapped up in razor blades and arsenic. Never mind that hidden inside each package was the smallest shred of care, just enough sweetness to mingle with the tinny thick texture of your own blood and make it seem worth swallowing.

WHY? I want to split myself in two so I can beat that part of me to death. Bash in its skull over and over until there's nothing left but a bloody, dangling, pulpy mass. I see all the things I said now, all the times I just took it way too far. I was way way beyond the limits of reason or decency. I am so so sorry I treated you like that. To think I called that "communication." PLEASE. That's not communication, that's verbally abusing someone past the point of reason. That's giving over to my mania and letting it ride me until I am frothing at the bit, whipping myself into a frenzy and pouring it all out on you.

You, whom I loved most of all....what an utter disappointment I am to myself, I've disgraced you. Jesus Christ. I am praying to a god I no longer believe to absolve me of these most egregious sins I have committed against you. I am begging that someone strikes me down for this. I deserve the penance fully. Let me never know love again for what I have done.

Let me never know comfort or rest or solace for the words I thrust into your heart and your head, hammering them home with a pointed pick axe into your softest most vulnerable spaces. I am choking on the bile as it rears like an unruly wave and streams from my lips noxious chartreuse syrup. I have barely eaten in the last three days, but it doesn't matter, I don't have any appetite anymore. I am SICK. SICK.

I am searching for the antidote and I am frantically clawing about the medicine cabinet of my memories for some small cure. Something I can swallow that will stay down, that will ease this illness back to a less terminal place. I am maddeningly digging through my drawers for a scalpel, here, I'll do it myself, I'll cut it out. My fingers are scrambling and clenching as my pulse races to 152, I need a doctor, call someone quick. Next month isn't soon enough, I get the print outs from my health care pages I printed out several weeks ago and tear through them again. Scanning the names I have circled, I am trying to calm myself down before I start dialing wildly. Today, tomorrow, this week, this has to happen now. I can't wait any longer for this kind of help when I know what I did now.

I'm not going to stop until I find someone that can help me. If I have to exorcise this haint every fucking night the rest of my life myself I will. But so help me I am NEVER going back to that place. Curse you, curse you for doing this to her, to yourself, to everyone around you. My blinders are off; I can see that was NEVER healthy. That was never love, that was never care and comfort and communication. And the worst part is I love you with every atom of my soul completely, and I still did this to you. I am so weak and stupid to have done that...That is wrong, so wrong I can't think of enough words to hurl at it. All I know is this....

I have sinned. I have broken my vows. I have broken my word. And in doing so, I have broken not just my heart, but more importantly YOURS. Please, please forgive me. I don't deserve it, not at all, but if there ever was a goddess I could pray to for absolution that would grant it to this unworthy soul I know it would be you. I'll prove my devotion by lighting that part of me on fire and making sure it burns down to fine cinders and then a silty gray white ash. Then, I will rise, reborn, remade, born of the ashes of my former despicable self, now made beautiful because I will finally be able to honor the words health and communication and love.

I'm so sorry...I'm truly sorry for all that I have said...