Five 02.17.10

Saturated. That is exactly what I am. Saturated with my love for you. It has bloated and puckered my skin, like I have been sitting in a bathtub filled with perfectly heated water for far too long. Lethargic, I stay here, half suspended, half sinking my eyes rolling back as I think of your face, of your voice. I am loving your memory back to life one instant at a time. Can I tell you, for just a moment, how much I love you? I know, you probably don't want to hear this, this is the last thing you are probably expecting from me at this point. But right now, in this moment, I am brimming with pure love and gratitude for you. I just have to share it with you because I don't think I have done that often enough as I should have.

There are so many things about you, about us, that I am missing now. It sounds completely melodramatic, but I don't want to live without them after having had them in my heart. I owe that to you, you have changed me, and I'm surprised myself. At first, I thought I just humored these things for you, but now I see, some of your passions have become mine. Some of your essence has imprinted itself on my soul and I filled with the light of it. Even in this darkness, it is leading me through it, it is calming me in this tremulous time of doubt. You'll never believe me either - I'm sure you will think I'm full of shit - just moved to this expression because of my grief. You might even think I'm just being manipulative. Wrong. I am changed, by you. You have left your mark forever - 1,000 times more meaningful than any of the tattoos buried in my skin have ever been.

Would you like to know some of the changes that have happened in my heart because of you? Can I still tell you all my secrets? Because in my heart, you are still my deepest love and my best friend. This is the first one, the one that happened after only the first months I was with you, you changed my mind about therapy. I know, you thought that up to the end I was still so resistant to it. I suppose that's my fault because I kept the front up, or I didn't tell you how much I really LOVED those sessions. How by the end of it all I was kind of jonesing that you would take me in with you, because I LOVE discovering more about you, and I LOVE that he could help me see more of myself in a healthy way, so that I could conspire to be healthier for everyone involved.

CUT OFF IN PROGRESS...Electricity was out for hours...COMPLETED BELOW.

You showed me that through that kind of self work, amazing change CAN be wrought. You showed me that it was beneficial, and that wonder of wonders, I even liked it. I started saving up for it months and months ago. I don't know why I didn't tell you...Maybe it was my pride. Maybe I thought you would think less of me...Maybe I thought, you wouldn't understand. I don't know why I kept it from you all that time. Such a silly thing to keep from you, "oh by the way, you helped me see, I've changed my mind, I want to be in therapy, I want to heal and grow and get better." Right, I don't know why I couldn't tell you that...couldn't tell you "I was wrong." Maybe in spite of my happiness to embark on this journey of self discovery, I was still afraid to admit it to myself.

Maybe I was secretly jealous that I was going to have to go through this process of screening doctors till I found the right one, that I was going to be turbulent for a while yet while they helped me go through all my baggage and to help me guide myself to paths of growth, and you had this already set in motion, steady, and going for so long. Maybe I was jealous that you had such a great therapist and I was worried I wouldn't be able to find one of my own that would stack up, so I kept it to myself. I know, part of it was that it became painfully aware to me in this regard you are BETTER than me. You are so much more mature than I am about your mental health and its maintenance and I was so ashamed that I was not as present to myself as you are.

Your continual path to growth and self discovery, to emotional responsibility showed me all my flawed ways of thinking....it exposed the pointless thickened skin I sported, the walls I put up all around me, the bad bad habits I engaged in to keep people away from me- to stop them from hurting me. You made me realize: I was punishing myself unnecessarily. I deserve to love myself and be loved and allow people in and not isolate myself. You made me see that it's not really that I am not a social person but that I am afraid of people. Because to be honest, I am so scared of myself. There's a lot of pressure going on in my head on a moment to moment basis to be perfect, to be right, to be impervious, and independent. My brain thinks that I need to isolate myself from others, that they'll see my flaws, or take advantage of me, that everyone will see me fail and be eternal witnesses to this decline I fear is closing in all around me.

But you know, its a tragic way to think about myself. I understand what you meant in the car that day when you told me two years ago you wanted me to get into regular therapy to learn to love myself more. You were right. I can't ever hope for health and happiness if I can't love myself. I want to change that now, I want to discover, embrace and integrate all the pieces of myself and feel comfortable with who I am, to dare to dream that one day, I could look at myself and say "You are a GOOD PERSON" and mean it without reservations.

For a few weeks now, I have been getting everything set up since I saved the money I needed. I still don't know how I'm going to afford it entirely, but I know this now: I CANNOT AFFORD NOT TO DO THIS ANY LONGER. I need this, not just now in this time of strife and heartbreak, but continuously. This is part of my support network, part of the process of grounding myself and managing my mental illness, never mind my numeral neurosis. I've been negotiating with the insurance company and my employer to have the maximum benefit from this resource, setting up my parody benefits, helping me understand the difference between a PHD and a MA therapist, discussing the possibility of short term use of Rx drugs, discussing the benefits of behavioral vs psychoanalytical approach to mental health care, or finding a hybrid of the two to help me.

Ironically, each new doctor I think could be a potential partner in my health stirs up all these questions again...because one might offer one treatment option that seems to fit and then I realize that something as simple as the type of degree they have could influence their ability to really help me in all the ways I need. Or, on paper they might have the degree that would offer the depth of care I really need, but they lack years of experience. Or, they don't have training to deal with people who have ADHD, Bipolarism, are LGBT, have had substance abuse issues, have PTSD, and also need a integral element to be able to counsel not only myself, but also see my family with me from time to time. Then it's back to the drawing board all over again. Each time one of them doesn't seem like a right fit it has hurt so so much.

Again, I think this is part of why I wasn't telling you about it....it is so disappointing and disheartening to finally come to this space of embracing and respecting my mental health and have this be a difficult, slow, protracted process of making the right decision. I can't just jump into like I want, I have to honor it. I have to really treat this with the thought and care it deserves to show I am committed to it in the right ways.

For at least 2 weeks now, I have been screening potential doctors. I have been checking them out online and researching their experience. Slowly I have started to call a few, a small few I have spoken to, most I am still waiting back to hear from many of them. Each day I find a few more prospects and research them. I call to make appointments to screen them. It is so HARD to be patient about this. I am still waiting for the right one to surface that I can build a relationship with and start this healing process for myself. It is painfully slow, and I find my impatience wanting me to be impulsive and just see ANYONE. But I know that I need to do this, and do this the right way for my growth to really be something real and meaningful in the long term. I know that I need to honor what I need out of a therapist on an emotional level AND one who possesses a treatment style that speaks to me. I cannot just go to anyone, and I need to find someone that is qualified to take on all these issues with me and work towards continual growth the way I want to. Since my primary goal is self evolution and learning health from the inside out and I know this will be a lifelong process, I need someone who will be my teammate in this endeavor. This is someone I need as a champion for me in my corner. I cannot settle on this. On this, I cannot be unyielding.

In spite of how complicated and involved this process is, I am still so excited to start it. I am still so encouraged that soon, very soon, I will have this resource and I will be able to work on myself and benefit from that hard work. I am passionate about my health in a way that I just never was able to be before.

THANK YOU!!! THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME SEE THAT THIS IS GOOD FOR ME AND CAN WORK!! THANK YOU FOR SHOWING ME IT IS NOT MERELY A HOPELESS STRUGGLE!

You are so wonderful, so giving, so thoughtful, so open and loving. I adore these things about you. You have had so much foresight in areas that I was just closed off to. You never pushed me too hard, you never forced me into growth. I realize now ALL the many wonderful things you have taught me, all the great lessons about myself I have come to know just in knowing you. Just in seeing you, and the way your go about your days, the way you have changed yourself, I have been made to realize that change for the better, even for a person as human and flawed as I am IS possible, and more than that is something I desire deeply.

Thank you for bringing me to the therapy sessions you did. Thank you for showing me that a patient and a doctor could have that kind of relationship. Thank you for showing me that through this work so much could be accomplished, so much addressed. Thank you for showing me that some families out there do this together and that it helps them to continue to stay close, to move closer. That things might need to be addressed, and addressed again, and addressed again, and that does not mean growth is not taking place...it is the ability to keep addressing these things that makes it a total process of growth, of transformation. I am simply shocked at how many defenses I had up before, how resistant I was to move forward and really be happy, until I met you. Until I met you and saw through your example that people can change, grow, become more whole and aware of themselves, of others and that all these things are good things to have in my life.