Seven 02.19.10

I'm a little fidgety today, I'm not sure why. Today I joined the weight loss clinic, they had to scan my body to visualize its composition. Had to see what to keep and what to work to shed, to discard, to transform. While they scanned me I had to lie still, perfectly still, unmoving. I was bound to the padded platform uncomfortably, an uneasy discomfited feeling pulsing through me, it was a direct contrast to the times I was bound by you all too willingly. Back then I was all fluid snake like movement, your ministrations revealing all the changing colors you swept through my skin, like a blazing sunset.

In spite of your absence now, I am still yours.

I am bound by time instead of black Smith and Weston handcuffs, but you, as always hold the keys; as usual you wear them like second skin. The ability to set me free, truly free, belongs to you. But, I, I prefer to be constricted, at least then I know I am still held by you; still your willing captive. I'm tracking movement with wide eyes, breathing shallow, not even registering reaction to the clicks, hums, and vibrations of this machine. It is such a soulless fusion, not at all the kind I am use to with you. It holds none of the divine allure of your touch, of your breath, the embrace of your essence. Wash over me once more, please, I beg you.

Let me know what it is to touch god while suspended in your embrace. Let me know once more what it is to feel each singular atom in me awaken, lighting up with the siren signal you transmit. Show me the sharp jagged shoreline I could perish against, let me slam against it. So long as I am wrapped in your caress I fear nothing. Remake me with your love, breathe your soul into me as you used to, let me glow with its amaranthine light. I am unafraid of the consequences. This is all the proof I require to know that you and I were fashioned to fit together like a key in the barrel of a lock. This feeling I have even now, of total life stirring arousal at the thought of you, this pulsing in my center, this is how I know I will always be yours.

No one has touched me the way you have, body mind and soul. No one will ever touch me this way again. They may try, and succeed only occasionally, but not one soul will ever speak to mine the way yours did when you solicited the sensation of my skin with your fingertips. Sasha, my love is all around you, I hope it does not cause you undue harm or discomfort. I hope you know, I am not loving you against my better judgment but because of it. I hope you know, that I am embarking in this time to change myself, to better myself, to evolve because I am truly wanting these changes for myself.

It's terribly selfish and shallow, but I pray you are thinking of me too, in some small way untainted by pain. I am sending you all my wishes that you are healing, that you are evolving too, that you are doing well with all your endeavors. But I am praying to the Gods above that you and I return to each other someday when we are ready.

My closest friends and I are all laughing at my expense, since you have permanently altered me in some very serious ways. Again, you will doubt these expressions, to be sure, but they are earnest and heartfelt, and so you must know them. How have I changed in a way that would make me quasi-pathetic to all my friends and worthy of mirth whilst in my misery?? How is it that I can joke that you have "ruined me" for anyone else henceforth??

Well, let me tell you: I love cats now. That I owe to you, and you alone. Before they were an animal I never understood nor truly cared for and they are now one I truly adamantly adore. I know, over the course of the rest of my life, I will assuredly have my own cats now, because of the way you showed me they were so lovable. They are intelligent, cute, and affectionate in their own way. And, yes, I miss your cats. I worry about Milton Mitten Mins and I even miss all the times I did not succumb to the REAL urges I had to bury my face in Ophelia's downy fur lined neck and nuzzle her despite my allergies.

I am now steadfastly a fan of Harry Potter. I won't even deny it. I admit it openly, you hooked me with your unabashed enthusiasm for it. I'm reading the books now...it's not just a way to keep you with me, but a way to really embrace the change you put into me. I can see it now as a great series of stories with rich scenery and multi-dimensional characters. I was being an elitist prick before, depriving myself of the fun and adventure these pages held because of some sense of erudite pride. I was wrong in thinking that way, these are good stories worth reading many, many times over. I am SO SAD that I will not be able to attend the Harry Potter premiere with you. And also, when I saw the commercials for Universal studios new Harry Potter themed area of the park, I wanted to take you there with me RIGHT AWAY. I wanted to interact with you there, your Sirius Black, your Padfoot, your loyal eternally devoted black mutt.

All the things I used to tease you about before I miss...I miss you asking me to watch 90210 every week. Ask me again now, I'll say YES. I miss the way you pick at your fingers until I curl your hand into mine. I miss the look of consternation that flows over your face, wrinkling your brow as your inner wheels turn and churn in an intellectual frenzy of thought. I miss the warm stuffy way your hair smells when you don't shower. I miss the way you smell when you sweat, when you toil. I miss your messy room, each drawer overflowing, bursting at the seems. I miss your congested bookcase that bears testament to your supreme intelligence. I miss the way you worry away your hours over school when you have such a natural aptitude for it. But I love that you worry still, because it means you are striving to do better each moment. You have made me proud of your WHOLE person. And I miss you so much for all these reasons and so many, many more I cannot mention.

Some part of me is praying that this is just time you needed to take and step back. To be able to see things more clearly with my absence and make some decisions, to set some things in motion. I hope you know I am NOT just saying these things to win you over. I hope you know, I am moved to this expression because it's the gods' honest truth and I could NEVER keep the truth from you for long. It pains me too much to keep things from you, I have to joke or tease or prod to cover them up when they start to show through my armor. I have cast the armor off. I am naked to you, I will remain that way, no matter the pain of the slings and arrows that may come. No matter the actions or words you may take to drive me from you in the end, I will remain unguarded to show you, I love you.

I want to tell you something very very important. If you want to be a teacher, I want you to embrace that. I would NEVER EVER EVER dream of keeping you from your passions, your dreams, or your vision. I would applaud you if you wanted to be a teacher. I was only afraid of what the change meant, I thought you were going to leave me. I see that was wrong. My obstinate behavior has driven you from me. I regret every moment of my resistance. Despite this, I hope my truth nature shows through. I love you, I don't care how much money you make, what jobs or careers paths you follow, or where you choose to pour your passions, just so long as you FOLLOW THEM. I think you would make a GREAT teacher. I think whatever you wanted to do, everyone around them would be LUCKY to have you near because they couldn't help but benefit from your presence and encouragement. This world NEEDS people like you in it Sasha, to make all the differences to it it is begging for: more love, more kindness, more compassion, more intelligence, more service to others, more reaching, more growing, more joy. All these things are WORTH teaching and infecting others with. PLEASE DO SO!!!

Take me back, take me with you while you grow and change and live your life. Let me be your partner again. You don't have to do it now, but please, someday, please take me back. Take me to Philly with you, take me to New York, take me around the world with you, holding your hand, fused in your heart. Marry me on Halloween in Louisiana, have my babies one day, and above all grow and let me watch you take shape as I do too in my own ways. Please, I PRAY YOU ARE READING THESE LETTERS, please be reading them. Send me a sign so I know you are receiving what I am saying, if you need more proof to trust me, to love me, to be with me, I can provide it. If you need to see we can be healthy first apart, then so be it. BUT PLEASE let me SHOW YOU we can also build health TOGETHER.

These shackles don't pinch or chafe the way I am used to. The collar around my neck bears your address. Someday soon someone may find this strange stray black dog jaunting about your neighborhood. When they bring me home to you, I hope you'll take me in and not cast me out into the street. In the meantime, these shackles don't hurt, they are comforting, they let me know: I am still yours, I am still willing, I am still so in love with you.