Eleven 02.23.10

Here I am again. It's the end of the day. That's when the desperation starts clawing at the inside of my chest. When the realization that you are out there, having fun, moving on, leaving me sinks in. It feels like when you are dreaming, and suddenly you start to fall. You know, it's that lurch in your stomach and the terrifying sensation of speed. Like G forces threatening to rip you open. I am biting back the tears until I can clock out and get the fuck out of this place. At this point of the day it feels like a living nightmare. I have hours to go until I can find sleep and so many things to do it's not going to come easy. I am biting back the tears with every second. I know they are coming, I just need to wait until it's ok for me to release them.

But still, I am alright I suppose. I'm getting really desperate for a doctor. I've called and written so many I'm tired of looking up more names, it just makes me frustrated. Why can't I get better? I just want to get fucking better and I can't even do that right? It's like the universe is pointing a big finger at me and saying "GET BACK IN THAT HOLE YOU CRAWLED OUT OF." But I can only shake my fist and scream at the sky in response. I WILL NOT GO BACK TO THAT PLACE. I WANT TO GET BETTER. So even though the desperation sometimes closes in all around me and I want to give up and go to an unsafe place, I remember what you have taught me about being resilient and buoyant and free. And then I feel better, I feel a little more grounded and calm and like I can do this. Keep just putting one foot in front of the other and soon I'll be much further down the path of growth than I was before.

Anyway...How are you? I miss you so much still. I think about you fondly all the time. I wonder if you are really as happy as you seem, or if it's just an act. Truth: I want you to be happy. I want you to be so happy you can't stand it. If that means I have to be out of your life for good, I accept that. I'd rather have you perversely happy than miserable just because of me and my presence. Still god...I am hoping you speak to me again SOMETIME. I am hoping at least you will agree to see me somewhere in the future. You will won't you? My mother thinks it would be entirely unlike you to turn your back on me, walk out of my life, never speak to me again, never acknowledge that although I can have terribly bad behavior sometimes I am NOT a terrible person. I tend to agree with her.

I think you just need space. I'm giving you it. It seems like I'm not, I'm sure, but I am. I took all the pictures of you and me together, and of you from my face book and put them in the Love is A Verb album. They are under a content lock so that only you and I can see it. It will remain that way until something changes. I also hid your feed. It's NOT that I don't want to know how you are or what you are doing. I do. I just don't want to keep playing out this co-dependent bullshit where it drives me crazy trying to get your attention for the sake of self soothing and self validation. I also do not want to keep invading your space. I want you to have it. Come what may, I will love you, but I want you to have the option to be free as you want and not even have to blink at me until you care to.

I had another friend tell me today that you're not going to come back to me. They wanted to tell me about how "anything worth working out was worth working out together" and all that mess. I couldn't listen. It just made me sick, I couldn't listen. I told them to stop, and they did...but still...I'll admit it's been on my mind. And then, when I told them I was just really looking forward to being able to use this time to change and grow, to find a therapist and get into this hard self work so that I could be happier and healthier they tried to tell me therapy doesn't work. Can you believe that?? They told me some bullshit about how I have to accept the limitations of myself. That some things were just CENTRAL to who I was now and that was how I lash out and act mean. They called it my true nature.

I stood my ground in defiant outspoken defense of the good therapy does, the way that people can change, and how behavior is separate from the person itself. You should have seen me, you might have been PROUD. I have another appointment later this week with a therapist. I am hoping this one sticks and I can get better with them as my teammate on the road to lasting health. Yes, I still get sad. I still get fucking pissed off at myself for everything I did wrong. But I'm starting to feel better in the morning. I'm starting to see that silver lining. I'm starting to know I'm not a BAD person at my core. I am a GOOD fucking person, I just have a lot of work to do on the BAD behaviors that got ingrained in my repertoire along the way.

I really hope you'll let me show you someday how I've changed. If for no other reason than I want you to know how much your influence has had an effect on me. Ugh...All that talk about not being co-dependent with you and I did it again after all didn't I? And I wanted you to be different. I really wanted you to be different, because to me you are so so special. I guess this is the lesson time affords us. I guess this is my 20-20 honing in and giving me hindsight that will help propel me into the future. All I know is, you're in my heart. You're a part of my soul. And I'm going to go do the hard work and remember you like a shining comet that circles my moon. I love you and I want you to be happy. But I also love me and I want to know happiness and solace in my soul. I want to stop torturing myself and move onto a place of healing so that I can be the best for everyone around me. I want to just evolve and expand into the next dimension of my consciousness so that I can be a better woman, partner, artist, daughter, sister, co worker, friend, activist, human being, witch, spirit.

It's that time of day again, but already I'm starting to feel like I'll be alright. Just talking to you, just letting you know how I feel has some merit even if you aren't listening. Even if you never come back, I'll know at least I said these things out loud and made my good intentions REAL by the hard work and effort I am pouring forth at this moment. People keep telling me they think you'd be offended if you knew I was writing this on the internet for "everyone to see." I don't think you would be. I don't think you would be ever. And, I don't care about how it could "embarrass" myself. When I look at it now, I probably will look back on all this and say that it was arduous but so WORTH IT. This journey to self acceptance and transformation is TOO important not to chronicle, not to take notes so that I can revisit it.

I want to tell you something: I'm sorry I leaned on you so much for happiness in our relationship. That was wrong of me. I'm sorry I made you feel isolated. I'm sorry I had so much social anxiety and depression that I bottled myself up, instead of sharing myself with everyone like I REALLY WANT TO. Thanks for showing me people can be wonderful. Thanks for showing me I need them in my life to make me truly happy and that I WANT them there. Thanks for so many lessons Sasha. I owe you so much. I hope, if nothing else you will let me see you face to face someday so that I can say "THANK YOU!" and "I LOVE YOU!" with all my heart.

Anyway....Be well my sweet, be happy and get out there and have fun. Don't cry, don't be sad, don't get down on yourself. And I suppose, don't miss me...just keep moving on. But if you do miss me someday and you want to know how I am doing, want to remember what my voice sounds like and the way the hair falls in my face...please just pick up the phone and and call me. Ask me to coffee, it could be that simple. We can take it all really really slowly like you wanted. I won't expect the invitation to mean I'm back in your good graces. Like I have said before, I know I have to earn back your trust. I'm prepared to do that as long as it takes.

Even if it takes forever.