Mistaken

I'm not sure how to say it without sounding judgmental. So I will just tell you straight out, and hope you understand I mean this with the best of intentions and good humor, there's not a trace of malice or bitterness. There is only love, there is only hope, and and effort to understand you. Still, even though you tell me things in your heart have changed, but you can't tell me how. Even though you tell me you love me still when I speak you. And who knows what the hell that even means anymore. It could mean a thousand things. It could mean you simply care for me. It could mean you want me to be well. It could mean you are still in love with me, but you don't know how to love me anymore. It could mean, I don't want to do this, but I feel like I have to. It could mean I do want to do this, and I've been unhappy for a long time and that's why I'm letting you go. It could mean, I want to be with you, but I don't know how.

And I don't assume to know what's right or wrong in this. I'm not in charge of your destiny, I never was. I never wanted to be. I just wanted to share it with you. I just wanted to support you through the changes, to be your companion, your friend, your lover through it. And unfortunately...I believe that for whatever reason, you believe you are not able to break through, change, grow, and find what you want in this life without being alone. Please, correct me if I am wrong, tell me it is something altogether different. That it's not that relationships like the one I tried to give you make you feel trapped. That you fear the failure and fall out so you leave on a high note before things get much worse. That you leave the door open a tiny crack everytime you go.

Please tell me otherwise, this has happened twice now, I'm starting to get a feel for this. Every time you have given up and walked away from this, and I say that again, without any reservation of love in my heart for you. But you have given up and walked away twice now. Tell me, how after three years of happiness, something nebulous can change and you just let it go. You just left it dissipate. You didn't come to me when you had the inklings, you just pulled away more and more, until you told me you couldn't stay any longer. How does that make sense really? I know. It's love, Blythe. It's not rational. It's not meant to make sense. Just as it is not meant to be goverened or controlled or idly experimented with.

I am aware it was not always perfect. It had it's ups and downs, its challenges, it's grievances, but when I look back on I remember us being inordinately happy. Didn't you feel the same way? Or was it all a charade? I can't believe that really. I know that you were. And even very recently you were happy I believe, I don't believe you just said these things to buy into the fantasy. I believe you are scared, and trying to act in the interest of fairness and good will and remarkably, still in the spirit of deep love.

But I'll tell you, I believe you are making a mistake. What kind of mistake that is has of yet, been undetermined. And perhaps really, we have just been a collection of mistakes and educated guesses along the way. Choices we made thinking we knew what was happening, when really we were responding to the stimulus of our present surrounding. And the only thing I can't really understand is why you keep thinking you can walk out on this and have things return to normal. That life will just carry us along and away from each other that simply. I hope to god that for the things I have learned in this relationship I can find someone who is brave enough to see this life through with me. Someone who wants me that bad to kick in the afterburners and stay, and work for me, and with me, and love me and love with me. The only problem is, well it's cliche, and you won't believe me anyway, but this love is just not going to go away. I unfortunately for you and for me both in this situation will always love you, whether I should or not, whether I want to or not. A heart is not for keeping to oneself, it is for giving away. And as of now, you have the bulk of mine. And it will remain for you, underneath every guise and glamour I can devise to poison it and rid it of my soul. It will remain. That much I know to be truth. So I suppose I'll just have to learn to lie to myself over time in order to move on.

But please, know this now, if it comes down to it someday that I don't tell you I love you anymore-it does not mean that I don't. It only means I learned how to lie again to my very own heart.