Nothingness

I've nothing. Nothing to say to you tonight but the same old tired bullshit I've always said. And this will sound callous, and unforgiving, but on some level I want you to know it. Or better yet, I want me to know it. Because I've long, long given up on you reading these missives. I probably stopped writing them when we got back together the first time because I knew somewhere deep down, you'd stop reading them. You'd stop listening. You'd stop hearing me. And I'm so exhausted.

So very tired of feeling wedded to someone that'd rather be a million miles and spaces away from me than with me. Than in it with me. I knew, somewhere along the lines, that THIS was wasted effort on my part. So I STOPPED WRITING THE LETTERS. Broke my own promises. Broke down and gave in that the strength of the love we felt together in THESE moments was enough to carry us through. That the poems I wrote, that the time I spent, that all I provided you with would have been enough. That somehow-somehow, we'd find a better way of communicating than this....this empty space. These shallow words. These trapped phrases and quicksand proclamations that would fade in time.

Still, because I can only be true to myself I bent until I was nearly at the point of breaking. I tried to demonstrate my love in word and bond instead of just the static of these syllabic phrases grafted into internet either. But this is how you loved me, I have to realize after three and a half years. You loved me, in more ways than anyone before, but only at a distance. Only when the safety of page or screen or distance was between us. And that should have been my first clues. Love is work, but you made it the kind of arduous journey I never knew love could be. Even through the knowledge and experience of my divorce, even through the fall out of an emotionally abusive relationship that followed. Your lack of self knowledge and puerile attitude would have given birth to this. Things layer up, they get too hard, and you withdraw. You've done it every time. And I'm an idiot, a fool to continue chasing you through this game of fox and hound. I see that now.

So I've nothing but bitter and antagonistic lyrics to throw in your face now, songs that I once shared with you; thinking you'd understand me deeply after hearing them...the meaning went missing then clearly, judging by the outcome, so let me repeat them to myself so I know better the next time around:

"Think you're denying me something, but I've got plenty. You're the one whose missing out. But you won't notice. 'Till after five years if you live that long, you'll wake up - all loveless. I dare you, to take me on. I dare you, to show me your palms. I'm so bored of cowards. That say they want, [sic love] but then they can't handle. You can't handle love, you can't handle love. You just can't handle love. I dare you to take me on, I dare you show me your palms, what's so scary? Not a threat in sight. You just can't handle, you just can't handle love. You can't handle love, baby. You can't handle love, it's obvious."

Still, in spite of an overwhelming amount of experience to teach me otherwise, I invested in us. And it's not all your fault. In spite of the circumstances of our final ending, I'm willing to be generous and take blame equally where it is given. I understand, and this is the heart of my anger, and frustration, and total mortifying heartbreak: I allowed this to happen; to myself. And that is where the kickback of disappointment begins and ends really. I shouldn't have. Shouldn't have allowed you to take over so much of my life, and yet distanced you so much. I should have acknowledged that I can be oblivious when I want to, but that I am no idiot. I know, I can hear the hoof beats long before the stampede set in. And I did. I chose instead to buy into your idiot praises. Your malcontent attempts at faith. Your blind optimism in the face of abject failure.

And I hope you understand, the depth of these scathing sentiments comes from the depth of my feelings for you. All my hopes and dreams and fantasies made real rested in your arms, have now come to nothing but pain and heartbreak because you turned callow. Gave up and walked away.

Now you're acting the part. Being brave, being independent enough to grow a backbone and care for yourself. You're working out, you're applying yourself more to your scholarly pursuits, you're acting the part of one that can provide for oneself. I have only questions now left in your absence...Why?

Why couldn't you have done these things WITH me instead of apart? And the questions are as nonsensical as the answer I realize. Because. Because you had to be alone to do them. Because you need to find yourself. Because the timing was off. Because we weren't truly meant for each other in the ways we both thought we were, at least not in this life time. And I know, that I told you, I wouldn't be nasty or vindictive, or callous.

And I'm not trying to be. I love you still, even though I don't want to any longer. Truth be told I have longed to fall out of love with you for sometime. It's been months and I've been waiting to grow a spine and call it off. Call it out for as broken as it was. Stop giving you second and third and fourth and fifth chances and just walk away knowing I did my best, but in this case my best wasn't good enough for either of us.

And I'm a hypocrite for it. I should have left you months ago when you started pulling the strings. Should have told you: No. I deserve more. And if you can't find it in your heart and soul to give it to me, then you are not the one. I sold out. On myself, and that's why I'm angry now. That's why I'm frusterated that you didn't hear it before when I told you my heartfelt confessions. All the nights I spent at the time crying myself to sleep when I was alone, running scared, running on empty. I konw what that was now. I was afraid. Afraid I was losing you, afraid I was finding reasons in your behavior to fall out of love with you. Long before you intiated this break, I was mourning its loss.

All of that, all of it, is my fault.

I have never learned to exit graciously. I have always been the kind to cross the finish line, no matter what place I was taking. Better to cross it, than just walk off the field I was always taught. I have to remind myself, in times like these, that that is not the case for everyone. Some people cannot fail while trying their best and hold their integrity together.

All of these things are my fault. All of this is my doing. All of it is my shortcoming I need to desperately overcome in order to find true love. But until then, Feist's "Inside and Out" plays games with my head and makes me think of you so clearly:

"Love you forever but you're driving me insane, and I'm hanging on. I'll wait I'll never give in, my love has got the power. Too many lovers in one lifetime ain't good for you. You treat me like a vision in the night. Someone that matters behind you when you're world ain;t working right. I aint' no vision. I'm the girl that loves you inside and out. Someone there to stand behind you when your world ain't working right. I ain't no vision, I'm the girl who loves you inside and out.
Backwards and forwards with my heart hanging out. I love no other way. What are we gonna do if we lose that fire? Wrap myself up and take me home again. Too many heartaches in one lifetime ain't good for me. You figure it's the love that keeps you warm let this moment be forever we won't ever feel the storm. I ain't no vision, I'm the girl who loves you inside and out. Backwards and forwards with my heart hanging out. I love no other way. What are we gonna do if we lose that fire? Don't try to tell me that it's over- I can't hear a word I can't hear a lie. No girl could love you more and that's what I'm cryin' for you can't change the way I feel inside. You're the reason for my laughter and my sorrow. Blow out the candle I will burn again tomorrow. No man on earth can stand between my loving arms- And no matter how you hurt me, I will love you till I die. I ain't no vision, I'm the girl who loves you inside and out- backwards and forwards with my heart hanging out. I love no other way. What are we gonna do if we lose that fire?"


These words speak all too clearly to me. And somehow, through the pop tunes or desolation, the optimism convinces me that through the pain there is SOMETHING worth holding out for. But the only problem is, I know better now.

Last night I saw a beautiful death. A coyote had strewn itself across the highway like a pinata. And by then I had driven for hours and I wanted to pull over and fall asleep behind the wheel - but I saw it, and I circled back. I drove until I came across it again, in better lighting, and slower speeds. I wanted to be sure what I had seen. And while I wound my way through the two exits to get to it, I heard "Home" by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes and I for the first time since Thursday, thought of you in the way I want to remember you.

It was love, pure and unadulterated that coursed through me. That spirit of friendship and adore that caused me to stay all this time. That same longing to be with you, in the spirit of giving that allowed me to convince myself to stick it out for your benefit, thinking you'd kick in and do the same for me. And the smile that spread across my jawline nearly broke it. The warmth in my heart more powerful than any whiskey or gin we've bottled yet. And I remembered, I remembered what I had that was so worth losing at your side. But this place, this place is lonely and desolate. You've not been here for a long time. This home, hasn't had you in it since you jumped out the window thinking I was a threat all those months ago.

So girl, be well. I hope you never read these. I hope you run, as you are accustomed to, and never look back. I hope you run straight into yourself, and then into the arms of another who is clearly more suited to love you fully the way you want and need. And in the meantime, I'll be digging out of this hole, even when it caves in on itself. I'll be moving upwards and out, and feel less tarnished and stained by this whole process. And someday...I KNOW IT...I'll find someone to have that home with.

It just can never be you.