Reverb

You've had a change of heart of how to deal with this properly. You've agreed to do this the honorable way, face to face. And I'm thankful for that, in ways you can't imagine. Please don't rethink this decision when it come down to it. If this is truly what you want and need to do, then I need you to follow it through to it's logical conclusion. I need you to be brave, and demonstrate the loyalty that I have always tried to give you. I am willing to let you go. I am willing to let you move on and find yourself on your own if you honestly believe that is what you need to do.

And I'm not going to lie. It is devastating. It is beyond troubling to me to come this far and have it all go to waste in the end. It is something I can't fully understand, but I hope to in time. I hope to be able to grow out of this for myself, and come to places of closure and understanding. I am hoping I can retain the ability to trust people, although I feel right now it is so fragile and torn. And I am hoping that eventually in the course of my life I can find some respect in myself to stop swinging around a light bulb on the end of a chain which is constantly flicked on and off.

And I don't want to say these things. I don't want to acknowledge it. I don't want to be aware of it in its slightest working parts. But I'm coming to understand it this time. The trust is gone, and I honestly have no idea how it will ever come back. I can't shelter you from this. I can't tell you everything will be ok, and in the end it will be perfectly as it is to be. I don't know what the future holds for us individually or together or apart. But I'm starting to see where I need to be going for my own needs. I'm starting to understand that the things I have given over are just the patterned effects of wanting something so badly without being able to fully grasp the consequences of one's actions playing into over and over.

I'm tried, I'm worn out. There's been this tidal wave of relief this time, which I have felt guilty for, I'll be honest. But I know what that means. I got worn out working and trying and searching for something that I was carrying the burden of mostly on my own. And this is confusing for both us, and not good for either of this. And I hope you understand, that there's an even split. One side wants you to redact this and come back. And there's another side that is praying you don't. That you understand fully this is obviously in its present state something you are unprepared for. And only time is going to show us both the way forward. Time, which we both have an abundance of, it will help us to heal.

It's a dreaded journey, when all I have is my heart to govern me. But this is the way that I function. And I have to honor the core of me, the way I honor the core of you. And I'm sorry we lost sight of these things together on our own. I can still see it, within you, all around you, and before and behind you. And it is that vantage point that allows me to know with absolute certainty that you will make it through this. Just as I know I will make it through this. I won't deny it. I don't want to go through this process on some level. I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to jump through all these loops of fire. I don't want to stumble through the stages of grief and growth through pain. I want to comfort of certainty and I just want to close my eyes and wake up five years in the future next to my partner and look back on this for what it was, a wonderful raw powerful intense growth period. A relationship that brought me joy, and pain, and adventure. But an adventure whose chapter has come to a close.

The only thing I can say at this point now is I tried my very best. For me, for you, for both of us. And now I have to move forward and try my very best to release us both. To free us from this bond of torture and shallow offers of comfort. I believe that love is worthwhile. I believe that they way I love is something uncommon, something that people are not used to and do not engage in for the majority anymore. But I know, that when I get through this, I will be able to find the right place and time to give that love away the way that I do, and someone will offer it back.

And I'm not disclosing full blame onto you. I'm aware of the ways that you tried, I'm aware of the effort you put in, I'm aware of the ways that you love me and did love me, and honored me. We are both far from perfect, and there is the illusion of hope in my heart "someday, someday..." "Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps..." But there is love, that ties us together. And there is something else that is waiting on the other side, together and apart that will allow us to find what we both deserve and need. So until next time we speak. Be well. Challenge yourself. Grow. Grieve. Process. And have your adventures. Trust that I will be doing the same. Echoing love, echoing hope, echoing the future that we both will wind up in that is proper and gratifying for our own dreams to come true.