Scrying

I know...I know there's no point in saying these things. But still, I want to grant you this window..this vantage point into my mind and my heart. I'm not gifted with foresight always, not in any way beyond what survival has taught me. But I have to tell you, I love you. And these words, I am all too certain really mean too little. They represent so many things, the meaning is often misconstrued. Are you aware, I often wonder, what I mean when I say that? It is something I have felt too lightly before meaning you. A meaningless phrase I was willing to give anyone to ensure they would stay. I have abandonment issues, I know this to be true.

But with you, I was careful. I was patient as I could be before disclosing this truth. Because even with our challenges, of age difference, of life circumstances, of viewpoint on the world, and differing passions, I knew- if I were to say this to you, you were the last person I WANTED to say this to for the rest of my life. To me, when I tell you I love you, something so simple and ordinary, it should represent all the extraordinary things I feel for and about you. And to that I remain, steadfast, loyal, unwavering. I love you, with all of my being. And I aware, after my many but still short years in this life-cycle that I COULD love again if you were to leave me, but not this way. Not the ways in which I love you. That alone is reason to stay, to grow with you, and also for myself.

I only find myself wondering these days if this remains truth for you. I have an obnoxious habit of letting my fears run-away train with themselves. To spiral from small things into hydras that seem almost insurmountable. It is for this reason I detest the phrase "don't become a self-fulfilling prophecy." And I try, I try so desperately to listen, to trust, to believe what you tell me in the present. To let that be my guide when my cynical nature takes hold and conflates little things, in a layer cake of doom before me bearing my name. I wish I could make more sense for you. I wish I could be more confident, the way you seem to be.

It is the worth of what I have with you that causes this fear. With you I can actually see growing old together, being more than just satisfied with my life, but actually happy. I know like you said tonight about other friends in newly single present tense, that I could find love again. I hope you understand what I mean when I say, I don't want to. You are my favorite ice cream flavor, rocky road. And I find myself saying, I could if it came down to it, find a liking for other flavors- butter pecan, or vanilla, or just plain chocolate. BUt why would I look any farther when I already have found my rocky road? A stupid metaphor, to be sure. And one not worthy of comparison to you, but still....Why would I look further, for something that was staring me eye to eye.

I only wonder if you still feel the same. This is the heart of me asking, over and over to tell me what you love about me, about being with me beyond simple answers. This is the heart of my search for something deeper between us. I fear, my sweet, I fear- that I am not enough for you. That I am not worthy, that time or distance will tear us apart. Please...I don't need guarantees. I am just wondering...do you still feel the same? Would you follow me to the end of your days? The way I would for you, gladly. A song in my heart and a warmth in my soul that would never fade.