Surrender

It's little wonder I feel this way. Shaken, saddened, numb. And yet, so very full of emotions. Too many thoughts to properly catalog and decipher before the next set begins.

Life goes on without you. And it will.

But I have to keep reminding myself, not to cry when I'm working. Not to cave in and fall into the malaise of sadness yawning wide around my heart. Not to wall up, and guard off, but rather to remain open.

Surrender is something I have learned well in my life. This encapsulates my feelings at the present moment so perfectly. Surrender- come and wrap yourself around me like a white flag. There is no fighting this sorrow, only weathering through it.

Only allowing those parts of me I'd like to protect with bitterness and anger like I used to with tenderness and understanding instead. There is depth here to plumb, and I've never been one for the shallows this life offers.

I've spent all day hugging the coastline. Surrounded by opulence, and beauty. Rubbing elbows with the super rich that far surpass me and the limits of my own dreams. And sex appeal, is everywhere.

Yet my thoughts don't turn to you.

Curious. Ordinarily you'd be the focus of my every attention, especially in this regard. I do not find myself longing for the smothering heat of your kiss in this place.

Do not gaze forward into my future and feel the electricity coursing through me that I once found in your arms so powerfully. Perhaps it is simply because in this very regard you have become such a stranger to me. A landscape I once knew as well as my own body, but once the borders were built up and fortified I lost my ability to navigate it. Even with my dreams and hopes.

I am spending my fantasy moments on another kind of woman. Someone I do not as of yet know, but will someday, of that I am most sure. And there are still parts of me that wish it was you I could call "home" in these ways. That I didn't just feel depressed and betrayed when I think of you. That I could stop this love I have instantaneously to save you the pain of my heartbreak.

I don't want to be a distraction for your forward momentum in anyway. And I'll miss you, for a while longer. I'll think of you so often, like an instinctual internal process I cannot explain anymore than remembering to breathe. But I'm not going to hold my breath this time. I'm letting it go- in gasps, and sobs, and screams and laughter. I'm letting it go, little by little. Even though parts of me fight so hard to hold on still.

But what is there left to hold onto anymore, but the doorknob to an empty room?