Eighteen 03.02.10

Tonight I was full of sound and laughter. I was out in the world, making a ruckus and it felt just like old times. I did impossible things to describe, ridiculous makes you feel alive in no other kind of way things. Things I was even amazed at myself for doing. Tonight I roamed the streets of San Francisco more sure of myself than I have been in a long time. I met new people, I made new connections, I reunited with some old characters that made me remember a time I felt more alive and full of promise. A time in my life when I still had hope in my heart to imagine being able to change the world just by being in it.

And you, you were never far from my mind. As I looked out over the twinkling amber and cherry city lights of San Fransisco from the black gravel lined oases of rooftop views, I wore you in my heart. You were there, beaming from me like a tattoo made of Opaline light showing through my skin. From the lofty, chilly spaces of San Francisco rooftops I huddled in loose circles of people, and my heart called to you. I stood in circles made of old friends and new faces that were populated by the clunking of Tecate cans, fist bumps, and incessant absurd laughter of those who were really surrendering to the moment and enjoying the sheer spontaneity of it. Yes indeed, this was more like myself than I had felt in a great while.

Still, I had you with me. And when I spoke, you peppered the conversation as easily as you always have, because your name is sheer joy when it slips from my lips. Don't worry, I didn't call you mine, not in any way you wouldn't approve of. But you could have been mine in that moment, I would have been proud to share it with you. I met artists, and poets, and carpenters, and people that worked in social services. I played pool and actually seemed to know what I was doing half the time. And there were moments, strange surreal moments, where I caught a glimpse of me from the outside; hovering somewhere off to the side, and I loved what I saw. I was talking, I was listening, I was looking people in the eye. I was happy to be there and for once that voice that constantly berates me took small vacations and allowed me to slip into a kind of confidence I loved so much.

Still, I had some hiccups. I still caught myself slipping into that place where I was about to maniacally go on and on, but logically I would finish my sentence and then ask the other person to tell me something about them. I caught myself more than once wringing my hands absently, but still noticeably enough to give me pause and stop. I caught myself tugging on my earlobe and rubbing the back of my neck with large flat palmed strokes. These are a few new ticks I have developed since I thrust myself into social situations I am unaccustomed to now. Namely that is, any at all. But undaunted I stayed in the moment, harnessing the power of genuinely loving being in it to keep me from shutting down and fading into obscurity. I consider these ticks to be a good sign, it means I am pushing my comfort zone, trying to expand. I have dubbed them the cramps and strains of my emotional growing pains. I just keep walking them off, taking time to remind myself to calm down, to enjoy right now, and just be present to the moment. I free myself of expectation and act authentically, with no burning desire to impress, but just a sincere wish to be organic with myself and others.

I would say confidently it paid off in spades. I laughed so hard I almost cried and my jaw ached from smiling. I gave more hugs in one night than I remember giving anyone in nearly a lifetime each embrace asserting I really was a human being and I could connect with people around me. I felt like I had been living in a dark cave of desperation and self hatred and someone had pushed me into the light and filled me with a sweeping kind of curious wonder. I was in love with every moment. Just the mere act of imagining that this could really be my life, the one I wanted to lead, and then realizing that I was suddenly living it was like a total a transistor blowing mind fuck. I met people who owned comic shops and other folk that drew comics. I met other poets that spend their nights like I do, capturing the elusive spirit of spoken word with the prison of the written.

I talked about my plans for APE, the paintings I am working on, and the Slam nights I attend and I felt alive. For once I was being the person I have always violently wanted to be and it felt astonishing. And through it all, my heart was coursing your name. As I lined up for each shot around the pool table, I imagined you were somehow watching, from some place overhead like a fly on the wall. And I felt myself swell with pride. Here was the woman you fell in love with, here was the woman underneath all the baggage all along, the one you have always seen through to so easily. As I navigated around the crowded bar, or reached out my hand to shake someone else's hand, I was able to see your face more clearly in my memory. It was as if it might be a premonition of days in the future, when I might be out some place with my friends and that I might text you, and you might show up with your friends and we could revel in the chance to widen the ranks of our comrades together. Or other times, I imagined easily that I was out with my friends for the night, and that it might be possible that some day I might leave this place and find my way home to you. It made me see the experience of being independent and autonomous would give our relationship strength and a deep sense of personal fulfillment.

The thought that I could be out in the world this way was exhilarating. When I thought about sharing that world with you, about having you have your own experiences and how that would give us more to share, more to talk about with each other, more to discover about one another; it made my heart swim with an infatuation with the future that made me feel like swooning. Instead of feeling anxious about my future, I felt at peace with it, like it was mine to shape and influence with my actions instead of my fears. And it made me realize, I want to share that future with you. And I can't describe it, it's not even just a simple wish, it's so much deeper than that. There's a kind of certainty that the chorus to our song, Overlap, perfectly describes our love. You and I have enough differences between us to give us strength and there is sweet comfort where we overlap.

How wondrous that even now, when all hope could be lost, I feel like the differences between us are compelling enough to make me view you through fresh eyes. Unencumbered by my projected fears and insecurities about myself, I see you more clearly than I ever have. And I am dying to know all about you. But it's alright, I'm not worried. We're both out here doing what we need to be doing. We're finding ourselves, so that we can bring our all to the table, and really show each other who we are. I know you think I will move on. I dare you to show up one day, and let me see you. I promise I'll want you more than you ever thought possible. I know you, but I'll never know you really, every day there is more to discover. I lost sight of that, I think we both did to be honest. Now, liberated from tunnel vision, I ache to see you with fresh eyes. Basking in the afterglow? Please, that isn't true. I know you are out there changing too, I know you are out there uncovering all that you have to offer yourself and others. I know that there are some things that you are discovering about yourself that I have no idea about. That does not deter me love, that excites me.

Give me more reasons to love you than I already do. Show me more of your quirks, your flaws, your strengths, your interests, your everything. I am so filled with desire to know you as you know yourself, to see you everyday embark on that journey. And I am dying to show you the merits of my own journey. I know that there's no real rushing this. This is the sweet ache of your absence, but the hope, the fierce mad hope that some day you will return and we can spend everyday thereafter falling in love with each other all over again. You are made of riches and wonders; a menagerie of sound and sights I am thirsting for. And like a fine rum, we have passed through the fermentation in which our core elements became flesh and now we have been distilled shedding the toxins and impurities.

We are now ready to age. Each of us, housed in our own oak casks, are turning a darker golden amber each day we age. We are blossoming in new layers of flavor possessing new unexpected notes. And each day, a little of us pushes out into the ether to be swept away by evaporation. The angel's share of us rises and the gods smile down on us while we mature into a deeper and deeper sense of ourselves, of others, of the world around us. Is it a wonder then, that I should be excited rather than frightened to rediscover you after you have aged, and taste your sweetness once more? Is is a wonder that the possibility of feeling your taste, new and fresh, yet aged and familiar running across my tongue should make my tongue quiver and my gums sweat in anticipation? I am salivating already for the full notes of vanilla, of spices from far away lands I know not, and the illicit kick you will send straight to my nexus when I sample you again. Do not fear love, that I will move on when you burn so brightly in my chest.

I am aging too, in my own barrel, experiencing the world and metamorphosing. Aren't you also titillated by the prospect of seeing me again with a newness about me that is aching and raw and begs to be uncovered? Or is it just me now filled to the brim with this new found enthusiasm for life? I know, do not worry, this will take time. I am learning that all things worth having, are worth waiting for in some capacity. I am willing to fully savor this time knowing that at any moment in the future, we made cross paths and reunite again. And I hope in that moment, you will reach for my cask and the spigot will pour me forth into your waiting mouth so that you can see all the flavors I have to reveal to you, and the fact that we were a pair of spirits which were made uniquely to last together.