Thirty 03.14.10

And so, some things will come to pass that neither of us could foresee. Such is the way of it, isn't it? This is the way life tests us, molds us, shapes us into something new and better. At least, I am hoping this will all lead to some good. I am hoping this will lead us both to a better path. There is so much loss around me, so much chaos. I am hoping that it is not that way for you...I am hoping at least one of us is doing spectacularly in spite of all the change that swirls about us both.

I know the song you quoted today, by Dresden Dolls. I pray that was not intended to be a veiled suggestion towards me. I hope you don't for a moment think that I am only interested in sharing with you my pain or being self centered with my communication. Is it possible that at this point you are not fully aware of how much I would like to know how you are doing? I miss you each and every day. Every moment that happens, I wonder what you are up to, what you learning, if you are well or not. I assure you, I am more curious about how you are than you can imagine. But I try not to pry. I try not to force myself into your life. I trust that if you wanted me in it, you would find a way to include me. Still, I let you know that I am close at hand, nearby, should you wish to reach out and contact me. I leave you this window to be able to have a vantage point into my life, but that does not mean for a moment I am not interested in also viewing your life.

I don't want you to think I am going anywhere where you cannot find me, be it for friendship, love, or anything else positive that I might be able to afford you with my life. It is as I have said always my pleasure to include you in my life. I have made a space for you here, carved it out of bone and flesh, so that you know you are always welcome. You will always be a part of me. I accept there must be distance between us now, I'm still not totally clear on the reasons why, I suppose I'll never really know all the reasons. I can only hope it will become clear to me in a way that makes sense and offers healing soon.

In the meantime, I send you word, souvenirs from the days of my life so that you know I am still keeping a place for you in my heart and my life. It is always my joy to share with you. It always brings me happiness to give to you, free of expectations or reciprocation. I would hope that if this bothers you, if it should ever broach intrusion in some way you do not wish to receive, you would let me know. I am looking to you for direction on that front. I am giving you space, but I don't want you to think I am not interested in having you in my life, of being in yours somehow. I am also trying to use this time for myself, to move forward with my life, despite all the changes now which seem to descend at once in the most overwhelming fashion.

This is not to say, I am not doing well. It is just to say that 4 months ago if you had told me that by this time I would have lost my Grandmother to cancer, my true love to a destiny I still do not fully comprehend, possibly my newest kin to the cruel tricks of fate, and then my home to the follies of this recession, I would not have believed you. If you had told me 4 months ago that nearly everything I know and love would change in less than 2 months time I would have howled with indignation. I would have buried my head in the sand and never seen this coming, never even would have been able to dream up such a sorted tale.

Now more than ever, I am wishing that this had not come to pass between us. I miss your advice, the comfort you offer to those you care about in need, the easy way you can turn something ugly into something of beauty. But I am aware; you do not owe me any of those acts of kindness. Neither myself, nor my emotions are your concern now. You should be focused on yourself and learning to be on your own. These problems are mine, just that, my problems to bear on my own. Not that they ever would have been yours, even if we bore the same love for each other now. But you might have smiled on me with love's light and held me while I cried at the sheer sense of grief, having come to loose nearly everything I hold dear to me.

You might have offered me your hand to hold through this time of uncertainty, your friendship, your support, your ability to see things objectively, maybe even your love. Again, none of these things are your responsibility to give to me. And I will never ask you for these gifts for they carry far too heavy a price tag: your happiness. No, instead I will find solace in my own arms. I will bear this burden on my own and I will move on into my future alone. I will keep you away from having to see me suffer over these things, because they are nearly too painful for me to bear let alone having to involve you in them. I will continue to let you know how I am, but I will not expect or ask for a moment that you extend me any kindness or attention you are unprepared or unwilling to afford me. I respect your journey, even if mine is proving to be challenging.

I am sorry to have told you what I told you tonight. I am sorry I couldn't find a better way to communicate with you. I would have called you, lord knows I wanted to, but I didn't want to risk you not picking up. I didn't want to risk not having you hear what I had to tell you. I just had this horrible vision, that someday you might try to call me or stop by my house, or send me something in the mail and that I would have seemingly disappeared without saying a word to you. I thought about how that might feel for you in that moment, the shock, the pain, the sense of betrayal in abandonment and I knew I couldn't do that to you. More importantly, I wouldn't ever want to. I always want you to know there is a seat here waiting for you in my life, always bearing your name only. I wanted to keep you informed, so that if my number changed, my home sent back mail to you, or you didn't find me or anyone you knew behind that old door, you would have heard it from me, and not some mutual friend.

I don't know what will happen. I won't even begin to try to venture a guess. But I will tell you that no matter what, one thing will remain: my love for you. I hope you know, even now, I am keeping you in my heart and I am sending you all my best wishes for a happy life. There will never be a place I will go, or a time in my life that I will not welcome you into it. Regardless of the number of people in my family, the location we all live in, or the innumerable ways that life can change for us over the months and years to come, I will always leave a way for you to contact me. I will always be right here in my heart, waiting and interested in anything you have to share with me, thrilled that you thought to include me in any way.

There are no guarantees in life, I am aware of that more and more each day. Promises are almost assuredly made to be broken after a fashion. Word given in bond fails as hearts give way to distance, time, or death. Change remains the only universal constant along with its companion: death. Change will alter the surroundings and the colors of my life, but it will never taint my love for you. That is a promise that I make fully knowing that it is truth to the very core of my being, that is a timeless vow I make to you. If I didn't know this with every fiber of my soul, I would never have bound my energy to you. The ONLY person I have ever bound myself to in that fashion before or since. To forsake that promise is to allow a piece of my soul to waste away to nothing. To make that die, is an impossible act, because it will never be so. Its essence is everlasting.

I will be with you this way, even if you do not want me, until my soul fades into nothingness. Each life I have after wards, I will search for you. Each existence, I will quest, looking for your eyes in all the planes I can wander either bodily or spiritually. My soul will yearn to be at your side, and so, regardless of what happens, I will be with you. I will give to you endlessly and I will wait hoping to receive from you anything in any regard ever again. Be well my sweet, have happiness and light surround you. Do not worry after me, I will find the way. But if you should want to come to me, to share some of your time with me, to share some space with me even for a moment, just reach out and I will be there.

I will always be there.