Twenty Nine 03.13.10

Today I woke with a sense of purpose. I have a vision for my future and assuredly you will be a part of it always, if only for the appointment my day revolved around. You have set me on a new path that I will carry with me all my lifelong. How have you done this? Simply by revealing the truth I was afraid to confront for so long: my life is a beautiful journey. I am the one that will sail this vessel forth to every destiny I can envision and evoke by my heartfelt will and devotion to its path. My past need not haunt me any longer, I can cast off its painful shackles and explore my present and my future with a spreading sense of joy and wonder.

Today I woke with a song for you still being sung by the swallow flying proudly over my heart. It was song of light silvery flute tones and the twanging of tinny banjo strings. It wailed on the harmonica like a xylophone made from train whistles and sent you rays of sparkling sunshine and wildflowers in bloom. My swallow and I split a pair of twin smiles and sent kisses filled with warmth to your heart for healing. I am learning more and more each day that you are such a gift for me to have had in my life or my heart at all. Even if you never see me again, I will treasure and love you always, for you are an extreme blessing to all you meet. You have exposed a lasting lesson to me, and in the end, you have been my most profound teacher above all others. This lesson was long overdue, now that I am embracing it I am loving my life now more than ever. I am only wishing that someday you might be in it, as I must admit: I miss you fiercely.

As I dressed and cooked breakfast for my friends, I found peace and love radiate forth from my core. These acts of love and sharing myself with others are so beneficial. I am making myself more and more present to this fact with each and every forward motion. I am finding joy with as many people as I am lucky to encounter, each of them offering distinct and startling possibilities for mutual growth between us. To expose more of my personality that is giving and nurturing feels more authentic to my spirit than I have felt in so long, if ever, I don't know why I have remained protective that side of myself with venom and spite.

We ate in the brilliant yellow sunshine, feeling the breeze flirt with our skin. The day was clear and bright, it was magical to feel the moment washing over us. Just enjoying our time together, talking of this and that, everything was pointing towards today being a day of supreme good fortune for me. I was exhilarated. I thought of you all the time, but my thoughts were not clouded by pain or fear, they were calming in a steady loving kind of way. Gratitude filled my spirit and I washed my sorrow down the drain with the dish water. Spring is arriving and with it I send the Winter's chill kiss into the past.

Finally, we set out for my appointment. Lately, so many things seem dreamlike. Life runs like a breathtaking movie to me at times, and I am swept away with its majesty. We wound through city streets and singing, talking, and dancing along the way. What an adventure it all is, I marvel at its potential and fill my lungs with air that I know will fortify my spirit. It is singing on the wind with my swallow's song, possibility is beckoning me to it at every turn. And I find with childlike wonder, the more I indulge and follow my heart, more and more I am lead to the life I have always imagined could be mine. I am blossoming into a kind of deep and lasting comfort with myself. I am finding that connecting with others, known or otherwise, has become an medicinal activity for me as I relinquish control and allow myself to be authentic to me and my true wishes.

Through it all, I love you still. I am proud to carry you with me here, in my heart with lasting gratitude and the glow of bliss. We arrived at the fire engine red storefront it's fileteado porteno style brought me back to Argentina. The highly stylized banner above blared out "COLD STEEL TATTOO PARLOR" in a bold golden color and my heart felt easy and light. Inside we found Kevin, he would be my tattoo artist for the day. His voice was kind and had a kind of easy musical quality to it. You felt soothed and happy in his presence, his demeanor was infectious and we found ourselves beaming. He was covered in tattoos and his chops made him look like he was cut out of a carnival, his easy southern drawl adding to the effect. I could just see him working the milk bottle booth or the strong man stand, heckling the passers-by with his warm smile and shoot from the hip humor. His hands were large with flat weathered palms and hairy knuckles. When he shook my hand though, it was with a kind of gentle firmness one might not expect and his eyes twinkled like an imp.

He asked me to confirm I was there for the tattoo I had spoken about and I was happy to agree with him. I was ready if he was! Hidden in my back pocket, was a pouch we bought at APE this last year. When I pulled it from my pocket and unzipped it, a rush of memories came flooding back to me from our time together there. Thank you for sharing my passions with me, for coming and involving yourself. If it wasn't for you doing that, always being so encouraging of me and my wishes, and spurring me onto a place of positivity even when I was downtrodden and despondent, I don't think I would have these memories to look back on. Thank you for everything you have given me. I reached into the pouch and slid out a small gun metal black handcuff key, bound to a key chain that bore the winking lights of Las Vegas. It was fitting, that the beginning of it all should be with me now. I handed it to him, trusting him with this very physical reminder of all we have shared.

When he returned I placed it into its padded home and slid it into my back pocket. He lead us back to his studio, and shut us inside. The walls were bathed in a deep blood red. They were lined with taxidermy projects, jarred chicken hearts, macabre art, pictures of wild animals, tattoo flash and along the wall at least 3 dozen movies and cds. Tom Waits drifted from his mac book and my smile splayed across my face wide and easy. We spoke freely, the 4 of us leap frogging in and out of conversation. We sat back and let the moment overtake us. Soon I was lying down on the table, my right ear facing upwards. He ran the razor's edge against my hairline, shaving away any peach fuzz which would keep the ink from taking all the way. Then he held my head and squeezed gently, letting the stencil set before peeling it away slowly. I laid still but comfortable feeling my chest rise and fall.

The needles buzzed to life across the room and I felt my skin tingle. Soon the points of the size 5 needles were humming in my skull. Above the grating reverb, the sounds of Lynard Skynard, Johnny Cash, and Merle Haggard made my smile unfold in a sweetly pensive way. Were you with me just as you always are, or was it just my imagination? My ears rang with the whirring sound of the tattoo gun, this was the deepest kiss I had had thus far by this electric siren. My skull echoed back with pulsing flickers of the hollow sound of bone being drilled. This was the sensation of a 1,000 tiny bee stings prickling along my neck and head, the biting slice of the outline feeling like a razor's edge carving into my skull, the curving burn as the tight clean lines were embedded into my skin. The pain was nothing, I relished it while it lasted, knowing that like all things in life the moment was fleeting and held its own kind of beauty. The outline was done before I knew it, due in part to his light easy touch, but also to his dulcet voice. He spoke of a thousand things and I felt a little like he was winding me along on a journey made of story and adventure.

Even when he slid his chair back from the table and switched to the rounded needles to complete the shading his voice carried across the studio space and into my ringing ears. I felt the soreness bleed into my neck and head for the first time without his tattoo gun buzzing in my ear to distract me. While he put on the shading and the highlights he curled his arm around me, holding me in a kind of tight embrace. His muscles felt solid and warm against my form and it lulled me into the same kind of comfort I had felt when I fell asleep with my head in your lap for the first time. This was trust, the warm feeling spreading over my limbs and outwards. I relaxed into the sensations, surprised that the fills were not bothering me as much as they used to. In the past, I used to become angry when the fills were going into my tattoos. This time, I had only fleeting pockets of irritation mostly because the sensations were strong and difficult at times to breathe through. Even in spite of this, I was content and calm, the experience was catharsis.

In what seemed like no time he was finished and photographs revealed to me, that which I cannot see when I look at myself in the mirror, but now know lives within my skin: A key to unlock my ears. This key, given back to me from you, it was the perfect symbol. The jailer's key, meant to liberate people from shackles and strife, it slides now into the barrel of my right ear. Winding through it to my left brain over nerves and synapses, this key reminds me to listen to what is being said, instead of just reacting to how I think something is being said. It reminds me to remain objective and be proactive by engaging from the heart, instead of being reactionary and alienating those I wish to understand from my side. This key clears the path for my heart and my head to become one, making me a stronger more open person. It reminds me that locks do not belong on my mind or my spirit, that I should be free and allow others to access me so that we can share and build together.

This key was given to me by a woman I love more than anything, a woman I will keep in my heart and my soul for all time. That woman is you. Thank you for helping me to grow and embrace my life and my heart. I am keeping the lesson with me, a living talisman breathing and burning in my skin, forever. Come what may between us, I will always heed the reminder that key bears and keep my mind and my heart open and receptive. I will remember to listen more to those I love and to be more giving of myself. This key has granted me freedom from the bounds of pain and anguish. I wear it proudly, feeling each pin inside the barrel spring free and the irons that used to muzzle me fall away. I am free, liberated, and I am loving it.

Your love alone has graced me with this perception. I believe that this is why we were brought together. I can't say yet what will play out in our futures, shared or separate. But I can tell you, you will always be the one that allowed me to unlock my mind from a place ruled over by pain and terror. You have taught me that life is worth embracing and that freedom is worth relishing, that gratitude and love are core values I should project instead of secret away. I have a new vantage point with which to behold myself and all those whom I encounter in my future. You told me once, that I was the one who had possessed the key to your Heart Garden all along, that you had thought you were meant to give the key to that person until you discovered I had let myself in with my own key. You were right in a way, you did have a key to bestow to another, and now that it has found its home the way will remain unlocked for you sempiternal.

Thank you, for setting me free.