Thirty Seven 03.21.10

You have whispered my name into the night air and I have heard it as the sound of bugles blaring in the distance. I am fast to my steed, for I know what this call signals.

The hunt is on.

You have called to me with your heart and I have seen its red glow guiding me through the night scape like a beacon. I have come on the back of thundering hooves and arrived at your side, my horse quivering and frothing at the mouth. My, you are ever a wonder to me, but tonight you truly took my breath away. The sensation of shock coursed straight through me when you opened the door and I saw the smile in your eyes.

I am not sure then, if you saw was passed from my eyes to yours in that instant: I love you. It was strange to me, yet oddly as I expected it would be. That we should slip into conversation easily. That it was as fluid as it ever was. As if no real time had passed at all and just being in your presence, just talking with you, afforded me the comfort I had been craving all along.

I do not have words to express how painful it was to have so much to say, and have the walls still between us. But as we spoke more, as we spent more time together, I began to see those walls crumble brick by brick to the ground. And when you touched me, my soul felt electric. Every nerve stood on end as you ran your finger tips over my hair line to push away the straw colored fringe and reveal my tattoo to your eyes.

My heart leapt at your caress, and my skin burned where you had touched me as if branded by your mark. As I knelt there, it felt fitting, kneeling before you as if you were a regal queen seated on your throne. And there I was bowed before you, head lowered in servitude, awaiting your approval to rise. Yes you are truly the empress of my heart and I would kneel at your side or place my head upon the chopping block at your command.

I was so filled with longing then, I wanted to whisper to you, "touch me again, never stop." But instead I sat again across from you and tried to do what I had come to do, to say goodbye and sever ties so you could be rid of me and my pathetic overflowing undying love for you. The ultimate irony: you wouldn't let me. And try as I might to wedge distance between us then, you would not let me waiver. I found myself sinking then, sliding away from my resolve to thrust myself from you. I found myself then kneeling at your feet in my mind and begging you to love me back the way I knew you did.

When you asked me if you could hug me after opening your anniversary presents I was so conflicted. I shouldn't let you touch me, it might be too confusing for you, and I want to be someone you see clearly. Someone you know you can love clearly. But I knew, I couldn't resist your healing embrace. So when you wound your arms around me and pressed me close, I felt fire sweep through me. Calming healing waves of flickering forked tongue flames poured over me with warmth, serenity, love, and desire. You deepened the embrace and I could feel my heart melt into yours. Don't ever let me go I wanted to say, but I couldn't. My heart pounded at my chest and my head swam. I could smell your scent and feel your body back where I have been missing it all this time, your heart pressed tightly to mine.

I was surprised that you made me insist that you stop touching me. That even after we pulled away, your face lingered near mine. I couldn't help but touch your hair, your face. It was too tender a moment not to give in and lead with my heart instead of my head. So then we set off, because as you would soon find out, I needed cigarettes but also something to have in my hands. Something to keep me from touching you. Because the moment I did, I knew I couldn't stop. As we walked I wanted to hold you in my arms. I wanted to reach for your hand and feel your fingers curl between mine.

My heart was screaming to me, let me lead. But my head fought for control. We talked, and I wondered what you would reveal with time. I wondered how much time you would give me in the end. But I found myself relinquishing, surrendering all control to the moment and just basking in your presence. By the time we got to the park, I knew in my mind, I would chase you. I knew you might run, and I knew you might hide. But I saw what I thought was a sparkle in your eyes. I swore your soul winked to mine and said "tag! your it!"

I would never have guessed that the night would end up as it did. That you would let fly from your lips the words that you said. Or that I was ever foolish enough to try to tell you I would let you go. I adore you, I always want you. As I said tonight, I will chase you. So be ready sweet, because tonight was the first of many to come. As I told you tonight, you tell me how long you want me. And when you come back I will show you, I have EVERYTHING you want here in these ribs to offer you.

EVERYTHING.

In the meantime, I give you the gift of time. I ask only that you not abuse it. Do not become a stranger. Do not bar me from your heart entirely if that is where you truly wish for me to reside. Let me visit you while you make this journey love. And you may call me whenever you wish. I will fly to your side just as I did tonight. And you should know now, I will chase you until I breathe my dying breath.