Forty 03.24.10

Is it possible that already 40 days have transpired? It feels as though I was under a spell now. It is as if I spent the last two years of my life gliding through a blinding world of supreme enchantment. I stumbled through a doorway in time and into another world where I called you mine and felt you reflect that heartfelt sentiment back to me. This world I was living in was all vibrant colors, every shade of the spectrum glittering. And there were sounds there, and beasts too fantastical to mention that prayed on my fears and sometimes made me take flight. But you were quick to reach out then, and steady my hand. You were there to pull away the ruffling golden palm fronds to reveal miniature purple rabbits with bright blue tusks. When I cowered at the edge of a fuschia pond, you would bend down and gently clear away the yellow water lilies to show me how tiny gasoline colored fish flew around bio-luminescent anemones. And my eyes grew wide with the strange new beauty you showed me was living all around us.

You gave me clear vision to see it; infecting my sight with the way you can look at a heap of garbage and find the sparkle of tinsel in its sagging form. With your hand in mine, I grew to know the taste of courage. Things that may have given me reason for fright like the moss green wart hogs as large as elephants bristling in the sunset we would sometimes wander past soon lost their magnitude when I viewed them through your spectacles. I found then, you were bewitching me with your ways. But I was the stubborn fool, and attempted to recoil once again. Ever patient, you attempted to tease the tangled mass of pain and the wire of indifference from my ears; you don't know how much you worked the knot loose. In the end, when you walked away, the last of it slid from my head with a sickening pop.

Leaving that scattered trail of tattered twine and rusted wire in your wake, you left me stranded in a world I had forgotten was once my home. I was thrust into a world of black and gray tones. No colors shone brightly, save for the moon's silver glare. And now my ears found deafness graced them once again, because I did not have your voice to fill them. All that I had was the sounds of my sobbing to drown out the silence which signaled you were gone. There were no strange beasts here to amaze and startle. There were only black as midnight tigers and starving charcoal wolves to close in around me. But I couldn't even see them coming, because I had lost that sight you gave me.

My heart spun frantically like a compass with no true north to point to; No true love to call my own. I was dizzy and reeling with the miserable waves of motion sickness that your absence rocked me with. And yet, through some strange quirk of fate, I remained tied to you. When it seemed like all should crumble to dust and blow away in this colorblind wind, I felt my love surge for you stronger than ever. I cannot explain why, even in the midst of the void, my heart beat sure and true for your grace. This time, you broke the spell in two, divesting half of it upon me, and keeping half of it for you. I believe when you exited my life you cast your final spell. You tied my heartstrings to your nimble fingers. Now you can play me like a harp along their tensile strings even though you remain far from view.

Even though I have lost my way in this wilderness of non-chromatic nightmares, I have heard your voice singing sweet songs to my harp string heart in recent days. I swear, I had a vision of you recently, held tightly in my arms your lips pressed against mine. In that moment, even though the dark of night was spreading all around us, I saw for the first time in 37 days that the world was awash with color again. It seeped in slowly; sliding down and bleeding into every tree limb and alighting in your rust color tresses. When your lips met with mine the world was overblown with tinctures my eyes smarted from they were so bold. And when I heard you say I was your soul mate and you would be mine once more my eyes exploded with the sensation of sight tears nearly spilling from them.

I had to wake up from that dreamworld, carried away by time and distance. My heart still longs for your minstrel hands to return and pluck upon its strings. And since that day you have sent me words, almost too many, not to have my heart explode like a piano dropped on its end from a very tall height. Slowly the borders of my vision reek with color and I find myself looking for that doorway back into your dimension of dreams and fantasy. Will you see me again? Or must I only look for you in dreams when slumber takes me? Whatever you decide, I pray your spell does not break over me soon. Let it linger, let it play softly on my harpsichord heart with only the magic that your words and your countenance can stir. You told me not to break the seal of my soul to yours and so I beg you, sweet Queen of Morpheus, never break your seal to mine. For having seen now what a life without the colors you bring is comprised of, I am certain is surely my personal hell.