Twenty Three 03.07.10

Patience love, I have nothing but patience.

I know you might not be ready to speak with me or see me, I'm aware of the reasons why. I know I have not always been kind or respectful of your requests in the past and so there is room to doubt my transformation is real. I know you feel like I didn't always listen like I should and in truth perhaps I didn't, so there must be abudant reason to cast all of these daily affirmations under the guise of empty lip service. I know that you are probably very afraid of the pain I could visit upon your still healing heart because I am sure that I have hurt you before, the proof of that is my own bleeding heart for the pain is one I bear at the things I have visited upon you: all my inner demons and my self defacing tendencies. I regret all those things, because they are not the core of me. They bury my better qualities under their toxic sludge and make me cast away those I truly love because I fear the pain they might inflict onto me.

I was so terrified before of the fact that I might actually have had to look you in the eye and say "I'm sorry, I was was wrong, I don't know why I'm doing these things but I want to change." I feared that maybe if I did that, you would agree and get rid of me. That it would make me imperfect in a way I was unable to see was capable of being changed before. Make no mistake, it is not an excuse I put it to you plainly, I am guilty of all those things. I ask for the chance to humbly apologize to you and offer you the healing and closure it will bring. I wish only the chance to show you that I have changed, and continue to change. I wish only to show you that the things you were asking of me, seeking within me before, are all here just as you knew, waiting under the surface to bloom. Come and wander these gardens, eat from the tree of knowledge here if you wish, there will be no fall from grace in it. There is only love and learning in this place. You may enter this circle if you wish, with perfect love and perfect trust.

My dearest love, you should know, I'm not interested in repeating old habits anymore. I'm not bound to the way I used to think and conduct myself any longer. It serves neither myself or others and so I can no longer find any merit in it. Like a snake, my eyes clouded over before I had to shed my own skin. And like a serpent, each time I shed my skin it allows me to grow. These are the tough pinching scales of an old tight skin and I wish to discard them. I was just having trouble seeing that I could leave this all behind me and reveal new brilliant colors too bold to imagine yet. But to be sure, the old decaying skin is falling away faster than anyone could have imagined, even myself. I am changing shape and form, becoming more and more myself everyday. This new glow radiates outward and all that come into contact notice its luster, its brilliant shine. After 26 years on this planet trying to master it, I have learned the secret of Transmogrification: it is love.

Everywhere I go, reminders of your wonderful personality are thrust into my consciousness as if the fates are mocking me for ever having known you and now living in limbo without you. It is as if a phantom limb tortures me with the sweet caress of a summer's breeze I know I am not really feeling, your absence is that palpable. Last night, I sat in a flat in San Francisco with one of my old friends, waiting for our night to begin. As I sat there, my eyes wandered to the bookshelf across from me. Hunter S. Thompson's The Great Shark Hunt leapt off the shelf in bold typeface, below it Harry Potter and The Deadly Hallows, below that Anne Rice's Pandora. The irony hit me that all around me were books, and as I scanned them I realized I had seen so many of their winking jackets before adorning your bookcases. Stephen King, David Serdaris, Ellen Hopkins their names spreading within me a kind of longing I have never known. I wondered immediately, what are you reading now? You are always reading something, I miss that about you my sweet brilliant girl. I smiled and wandered close to the bookshelf and ran my lonely fingers over the spine that bore Hunter S. Thompson's name. Could I just keep you like this, in my heart, with me forever? Would that be alright?

Just then my friend turned on some music and the laugh that escaped my throat was one of pure joy. For some unknown reason, of all the songs and artists he could have possibly chosen to land on, he put on Atmosphere. The song was Sunshine and I found myself singing along. I told him all about how you had exposed me to this music, how it was now a part of me and I loved it. We talked about Atmosphere and I felt like you were there with me. When I talked about the first songs you exposed me to: God Loves Ugly, The Woman with the Tattooed Hands, Trying to Find a Balance, my heart swelled and I wished I could hear your voice again. I wished I could see the way you looked in my car listening to these songs, hear the writing you used to churn out as these beats and samples mixed in the air along to Slug's voice. There is so much you have shared with me, and I have kept as much of it as I can with me, for I am privileged to have been exposed to any of it. It is immeasurable, beyond all possible fantasies, I am so blessed to have had you in my life, in my heart.

Our friends came soon with some faces I have never seen before, and through it all I was the picture of happiness. I find more and more these days I have a growing, spreading kind of comfort with myself and therefore with others. I no longer wait to be introduced awkwardly, I reach out my hand and look people in the eye right away. I listen, I ask questions, and we laugh so much together. Even when the conversation gets deep, I'm in it, really in it. I love that I am learning to listen. I love that I am learning to hear that people around me have so much to offer, and I shouldn't fear that. I'm also starting to see, I have a lot to give back, and I love the way that shows in my smile. Later that night, as we sat speaking around a crowded table in the second bar we hit, someone pulled out Apples to Apples. I could not wait to play.

Vivid memories of playing with you at your house on your birthday flashed through my mind. Damn it all. Girl, I have to say it again, I miss you. These signs are playing on my heart strings, evoking memories of you and my fierce but tender love for you. I'm sorry, I can't see this any other way, I don't believe in coincidence anymore, I haven't been able to ever since I met you. I don't know what god above would be so cruel to keep forcing me to remember you this way, to keep my love in my heart so alive and vibrant for you; To keep it growing everyday like a weed that will blossom and allow little foolish children to make wishes. Call me stupid, and hard headed, call me naive or crazed, but there is no way I can stop loving you. For all these reasons, even though I know this time apart is what is right for us both, it pains me to not know what's in your mind and heart. It pains me that you still can't think about seeing me, that even speaking to me might be too much for you just now.

I remember what you said to me, you would try. Sweetest love, take all the time you need. I am filled with patience. I have shed my skin of hostility, and impatience, and domineering arrogance. Whenever you are ready, and one day you will be ready, you can reach out and call me and I will be here. I will be ready and waiting to show you all of my brilliant new colors, and my clear bright eyes so that I might see you as well, really see you. I will be ready to show you I have been working on learning to communicate in the healthiest of ways, so that whatever you wish to share with me, it will be my honor and privilege to have it shared with me. I will be able to stand firm all the better for sloughing all the armor of negativity I once sported and replaced it instead with a open heart, mind, and ears. I will have cut out my once venomous tongue and replaced it with one that speaks only mercy and love. One that only wishes to understand and build bridges, not cast stones or flame throw emotionally destructive napalm.

Patience love, there is no rushing this. You can take all the time you need to discover yourself, and when you are ready to uncover me again, I will be here. I'm going to keep this feeling right here, I'm going to keep sending you my daily prayers for healing and love. I'm going to be right here, not going anywhere out of reach. And if you should ever want me, for any reason, please reach out and let me know. Until then sweet girl, you know where my heart is, it's with you, where it has always been. I am steadfast, I am faithful, and I am patience. Have no fears of that.