Thirty Four 03.18.10

You have agreed to see me on Sunday evening. I have only a little time to tell you that which I wish to say and then make my exit. I hope that this is not holding you in too much suspense. I can only say in advance: please do not feel guilty for anything. Guilt is not an emotion I wish to manufacture or inspire in your mind. Please, be at ease. I am not coming to hurt you. I am coming to set us free.

I am wondering what you must think now, as time affords you distance, perspective, and hindsight. Is there anything you would like to reflect to me that you think might offer yourself healing? Is there anything that you would like to ask of me that would help you reach resolution? These words might be difficult to say, but would in the end best be said so that we can each move on and let the real healing begin. Think on it if you will, so that when I do arrive we can each express ourselves wholly, and also listen, really listen to what is said. It is your choice to say or ask what you will, and I will leave it to you. I do not wish to force hands, only to shake them with respect and a departure that is on good terms.

I will not come with preconceptions lodged in my ears. I will not turn what you say into what I would have liked to heard before. I will listen, really hear what you have to say with an open mind and clarity. All that lays before us is uncharted. There should not be trepidation in this, but rather excitement. Let it be a thing of catharsis. There is hope for goodness and respect between us yet. I would like to offer you a last gesture of goodwill and then leave you to your journey. I would like to find honest release so that I will not linger, but rather move on to my path.

This will be our last goodbye. You should not feel motivated out of obligation or guilt, but rather out of an honest desire to do what is right. Please, try to dislodge your discomfort. Be easy with my presence. It will this and then no more. This is the ripping of the band aid off the wound, so that it can breathe. It will not have to be smothered by security blankets or feelings of unease. It will not have to be covered over to hide the pain that should be receding for each of us. Truly, I hope that the pain is receding for you. I know that in my heart, it is fading away.

I would like to be left with truth and good memories, not lingering doubts or hovering ghosts. I will not send you more souvenirs from my life because I know that might provide distraction. I will not make attempts to see you after this because I know that might not offer us the distance we both need now to let go. I will not reach out to you as I have with my palm upturned because just like that night in my car, I know you will not reach back. Rather, I will keep my heart in your trophy case, but I will walk away with empty ribs and soon a new heart will grow there. One that is solely mine and healthier for it. And perhaps someday, some distant day in the future I will find someone that would like to share it with me. I will be able to give it to them and know it is was made whole on its own by the hard work and self reflection I go through now.

I will not send you wishes for us to be together again that way. But I will still send you healing energy. I will still send you joy, and happiness because I would like you to find those things and have them be lasting. I will still send you peace and tranquility, no anger, no malice, no spite. I will not send you fictions and fabrications. I will send you truth and beauty, because I know those things will set you free of any pain we have unleashed upon each other. I will send you gratitude because it is because of you that I have been laid before this road to wellness. But it is my own feet now that will carry me down that path. I am surprised at how far I have come already now that I am no longer resistant. I am encouraged by this new growth that is burgeoning within me.

I am wanting the same for you, and I know that the longer I stay and wait for entry back into your life it will not truly be able to be granted to me. We must break free, break clean, and go our separate ways. Hopefully, we are able to compliment each others lives someday as friends, or perhaps we will be able to just be comfortable in each others presence should we see each other again. As it stands now, that is not possibility. That is why, even though you have been resistant to it, I have asked you kindly and patiently, please let us do this so that nothing else stands in our way. Let there be no obscurity. Let there be no perception of dominance or control. I so desire for you to set me free of that place.

I hear the way you have spoken to me recently, like you are SURE I am trying to bend you to a will that is not yours. I am sorry if by some actions you perceived me as such during our relationship. I want you to know, I never really wanted to control you. I never wanted to tell you how to think or how to be. I only want you to be happy. I only want you to embrace and know yourself. If I stand in the way of you doing that, let me exit graciously so that you can see, I am not attempting to bind you to me. I will unseal my energy from you. I will reverse and resend it back to myself so that I can have my soul's light back in its rightful place. A place it belongs because it is truly wanted there.

Perhaps you have no desire to ever have me in your life again. Perhaps you never wish to be friends. If you do feel that way, and you wish to exercise your choice to voice that knowledge, please let it be spoken. There is no reason to hide anything if you do not wish to. You may share whatever you wish and no more. I ask only for you to give what you want in this last act between us. Then I will be away and you can be everything you want without worrying about me. Then you and I, can be as free as we wish and enjoy all that freedom has to offer. I hang a star for each inch across the heavens winking at us for our own wishes for our own futures, separate, but nonetheless valid and real.