Thirty Five 03.19.10

There's a kind of quiet that descends in the nighttime that doesn't reveal itself during the activity of the day. It used to be a space I could not encounter without so much sorrow, panic, and grief when you first left me. Now it is a time I use for introspection. During this time, I am able to still my mind and meditate. I can examine my thoughts in this comforting silence. It is as if I am stilled by the hushed and heavy breathing of all the sleeping souls that surround me during these hours.

I lie still, growing more and more comfortable with solitude. This is not to say I am isolating myself. That is certainly not the case as I am more alive and active in the world that surrounds me than I can remember being in a long, long time. No I am definitely the spirit of motion during my days. But during the night time I find stillness and repose. I rest and return to myself so that I can encounter my emotions, my thoughts, and process the activities I am filling my days with. This time allows me so much insight. I can see clearly which acts are made as conscious decisions and which might be viewed as needless impulse. This reflection allows me to decide which activities I wish to engage in truly, and which I don for sake of mere distraction.

My days lately are filled with so many surprises. Some of them are brilliant encounters and some of them are truly challenging to my soul. Despite this, the rumination I engage helps me to articulate how I am feeling about these things, how I am reacting, and more importantly why I am emoting this way. The cause and effect are tethered to each other, together they create the reaction. To separate them, to compartmentalize them, is to bury my head in the sand. It is not enough to know how I feel, but why I feel the way I do. I exercise this ritual of cogitation to bring about more self awareness. Using the knowledge I glean from this, I then attempt to examine how this affects my behaviors. Sometimes the epiphanies are startling. Sometimes they remain hidden from view. Irregardless, I continue to contemplate and attempt to tease the reason from my mind.

When I rub up against something that proves more challenging for me to fully understand or address with lasting healing, I bring these thoughts to my therapy sessions and begin to find the tools to cope. However, my growth does not end there. I continue to work out these issues in my own time and further solidify my new awareness. When it helps me to heal, I ask for assistance from others around me. I communicate my needs to others in ways that are more mature and come from a place of healing instead of criticism manufactured to protect myself. I use these emotions and thoughts to transcend to a new future by turning them into something constructive rather than destructive as I have in the past. I outlet them through my writing, or I use other creative outlets to focus my feelings away from a place of pain or confusion.

I center myself in clarity and self actualization. Yes this time alone now has become so important to me, so beneficial to my growth. This is the time I use to review and assess all that passes behind me, in front of me, and before me. And this time is slowly but surely bringing me more peace and hope than I have ever felt in my heart. My soul is growing more strong and secure each day. I am so grateful to be learning these lessons. In spite of the uncertainty of so many things happening in my environment now that ordinarily would cause me to withdraw into desperation and pain, I am continuing to reflect and to find motivation to change. I am learning how to speak to myself in silence so that I know the best way forward to my goals.

This silence affords me so many gifts, and the noise of my day fills me with smile and promise. Silent prayer eases me into a place of complacency and calm. I feel myself smile as I lay there, knowing that although it can all seem overwhelming for it to be happening at once, I am learning that I am indeed up to the task. The quiet has stilled me and I can finally hear my own voice.