Thirty Six 03.20.10

Today's date has always been one that I have looked forward to with bliss since I met you. But strangley enough we are not celebrating together today the way we used to. I am remembering last year and how much fun I had with you at my side. I recall the way we gathered our friends about us, and fussed together over a meal that we both made by hand to serve them. And I remember as we sat down to dinner that night, to celebrate with our loved ones, the thought occurred to me: What if my life was just like this forever, would I enjoy that? The answer to that question was yes. That was the moment I knew, I hoped we would spend the rest of our lives together as partners, soulmates, wives, and dearest friends.

I had never had a partner like you before, one that shared so much, all of life's triumphs and tribulations with those around her. And even our union you seemed perfectly pleased to embrace and toast with our closest friends. I adore that spirit of giving that resides within you. Perhaps it was just my fear, or my need to protect you from harm that caused me to try to help you hone your judgement over time about who you let in that closely. You are like a rare jewel to me, full of wonder and beauty and life, and I wanted to share that with everyone. But I know, some people, including myself, are not always worthy to share in that energy.

Not everyone can value you the ways you deserve all the time, not even yourself. But I like to think, that in some ways I tried always to show you how much you meant to me. That I sometimes failed to do so in the right ways but always strove to display that I really did care about and adore you so very much. You were always a gift, a remarkable gift that wandered into my life. Kismet: your coming into contact with me was no mere accident. I do believe that fate itself ordained it should be, even if in the end, it was only for a short while. But still, the time I spent at your side was always precious to me.

The last two years have been a rollercoaster of change and turbulence for us both. We have both lost friends and gained new ones. We have both had triumphs worth celebrating. We have both experienced loss and needed to grieve. And now we both possess hope for our futures. I apologize for all the wrong doings I may have directed at you or myself during that time. I ask forgiveness for the stubborn dogmatic viewpoints I held onto out of need to protect myself from the threats I thought were sure to come. I ask forgiveness for the sometimes scathing verbal abuse I directed at you when I couldn't find a healthier way to communicate what I was thinking or feeling. Above all, I ask forgiveness and release from the fact that you might have seen me as overly controlling or insensitive to you when really I was just trying to offer you my advice, no matter how flawed I was. I see now, that is not always what you needed. And I, was not always right in the way I looked at things.

Hindsight can bring such sweet clarity. And I look back on the last two years now with such a glowing sense of happiness. It was not always perfect, it was not always healthy, but it was ours. For what it is worth, I had the most happiness with you than I have ever had in any relationship I have been in thus far. I would be lying if I said anything otherwise. Being with you, knowing you, having your friendship and your love gave me such joy at times I could not comprehend it fully. Like a dog trained to kill once it scents blood, my education in relationships and romance has been a violent one. I had come to associate happiness with struggle and strife. I had come to associate my future with aniexty and fear. I had come to associate love with conflict and mayhem.

It was not until I met you, and allowed you into my heart that I started to see, these things were not really set in stone. Change is good, and so is growth. Uncertainty can mean possibility. Comfort and optimism offer me healing and laughter. That is one of the things I miss most about being around you, my days are not nearly filled with the abundance of laughter you used to bring into it. I still laugh, I still enjoy my time on this planet, and I still share my mirth with others. I am liberating myself more and more each day from the pain of my past and walking bravely into the future with my heart to guide me now. I have to thank you for bestowing me with the example for this behavior. But it is true, that since you have gone, my days do not possess the same kind of laughter that once danced all around the edges even when we fought.

I know this is probably inappropriate of me to say, especially since tomorrow I am coming to sever ties with you so that we can move into healing and happiness, but I want to say it to you because I believe it requires recognition. A toast to you my once sweet love, to your beauty, your grace, your intellect, and your indominable spirit. A toast to you my once truest love, may you always know that my heart is grateful to you and wishes you joy. A toast to you for your continued happiness and success, even if we never meet again, I hope you know I love you in so many innumberable ways. A toast to you, and to us, and all that we have been through together.

Happy Anniversery.